And The Nerds Shall Uninstall The Earth

| Wisconsin, USA | Technology

(I am on the phone answering a customer’s pre-sales questions about our media production software. She has seemed like an ordinary middle-aged woman so far.)

Me: “I just looked up the camera model you gave me, and our software should work with it just fine.”

Customer: “…Should?”

Me: “Yes. The file type that camera uses is supported by our software.”

Customer: “Whatever. Will it run on my computer?”

Me: “Are you running Windows XP?”

Customer: “No. Windows 7.”

Me: “Then there shouldn’t be a problem. With Windows 7, you should be fine.”

Customer: “There’s that ‘should’ again! You need to tell me for sure if this will work or not!”

Me: “Unfortunately, I don’t know enough detail about your system to say anything for sure. That said, everything I’ve heard so far seems fine. You shouldn’t have any trouble.”

Customer: “No! Don’t say ‘should!’ Why can’t you just tell me if it will work or not? It’s a simple question!”

Me: “Every computer is different. Even if two people bought identical models off a shelf, just choosing different programs to install would change how each computer runs. You and I can walk through the technical specifications page, compare all the details to your setup, and have a very very good idea if our software will work. But the only way to know for sure is to actually install it and see. That’s why we offer a free trial.”

Customer: “No! You’re lying! Why would computers be like that? That makes no sense! You should know for sure!”

Me: “I’m sorry for the confusion. Computers are very flexible tools, which is what makes them so hard to predict over the phone. Let’s download the free trial then, to see if—”

Customer: “That’s not it! I’ll tell you why! It’s revenge! The nerds got so fed up with everything they made computers impossible to use just to spite us! IT’S REVENGE!”

Related:
And The Nerds Shall IPO The Earth

1 Thumbs
1,334
VOTES

Takes One To Blow One

| Nashville, TN, USA | Pets & Animals

(I’m working on a particularly stormy day at the petstore. Lights are flickering and the wind is rattling the doors and siding of the store. Everyone is visibly terrified, save for one unscathed customer.)

Customer: “I’m looking for a hamster for my daughter.”

Me: “Uh, sure sir… our hamsters are over here. We have quite a selection and I can open the bins if you see one you’d like to hold.”

Customer: “These are all males. I’m looking for a female.”

Me: “I apologize for that sir. We only carry one gender to keep from in-store breeding. It’s in the best interest of the pets’ health and customer satisfaction, and we’re a male store.”

Customer: “You mean I HAD to drive all the way in THIS storm for a hamster you don’t even have?”

Me: “Well, you didn’t have to. But if you’d like, we have a female store located close by.”

Customer: “No way. Only a psycho would drive in this weather!”

Goodnight Loon

| Middlebury, CT, USA | Bizarre, Musical Mayhem

(I’m at work when a teenage customer sees a bracelet I’m wearing.)

Teenage Customer: *looking at my bracelet* “What’s that say?”

Me:Our hearts are heavy burdens we shouldn’t have to bear alone.”

Teenage Customer: “That’s nice. What’s it from?”

Me: “A song by Go Radio.”

Teenage Customer: “Can I have your bracelet?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Teenage Customer: “Your bracelet. Can I have it?”

Me: “Sorry, but this was given to me by the band when I saw them last October.”

Teenage Customer: “But I WANT it!”

Me: “Sorry, but if you want one like this, you either have to see them on tour or go on their webstore. I’m sure they’ll have them in either place.”

(Suddenly, the teenage customer freaks and GRABS at my wrist, slapping the counter when I pull it back.)

Teenage Customer: “I WANT THAT ONE! Why are YOU so special that they gave it to you?!”

Me: “Some little teenage brat mashed gum into my hair because I wouldn’t give her my spot at the barrier. All of the bands found out and Go Radio gave me this.”

Teenage Customer: *suddenly calm* “Oh… can I have it, then?”

Me: “What part of ‘no’ did you not understand?”

Teenage Customer: “I guess I should look up the webstore then…”

(She walks off, leaving my manager and the next customer confused.)

Next Customer: “What in the h*** was THAT about?!”

Oh, Dear God, It’s Growing Bigger

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Geeks Rule, Rude & Risque

(I am selling t-shirts at Dragon*Con, a very large media/SF convention in Atlanta. One of our most popular shirts is one with, “This is my Boomstick” emblazoned on the front, with an outline of Ash from the Evil Dead movies. As we are very busy, I’m in the habit of glancing at the shirt and asking the customer for the size to make checkout faster.)

Me: “…and what size is your boomstick, sir?”

Customer #1: “Large.”

Me: “I can’t believe I said that. Sorry.”

Customer #1: “Um, okay.”

Customer #2: *hands me money* “Just to let you know, MY boomstick is extra-large!”

1 Thumbs
1,731
VOTES

Paying Fool Price

| NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Math & Science, Money

Me: “…and your total comes to $10.28.”

Customer: “No, it doesn’t. I bought two shirts.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, but today is a buy 1, get 1 free sale on all women’s apparel.”

Customer: “Is this some sort of scheme? Because I’m not gonna pay unless I pay for both! I ain’t falling for no scheme!”

Me: “Miss, I can assure you that today is a a buy 1, get 1 free sale.”

Customer: *throws down a $20 and a $1 and storms out of the store*

Page 1,742/3,121First...1,7401,7411,7421,7431,744...Last