Doesn’t Look After His Property

| Houston, TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

(I take tech support calls for computer-aided design software. I get a call from a customer who is having issues remembering a certain command prompt for his software.)

Me: “Good morning, this is [Company Name]. My name is [My Name]; how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m having trouble remembering one of my tool commands.”

Me: “Okay, sir, do you know what the command does? Maybe I can help you figure out which command you’re looking for.”

Customer: “Yeah! I can click on a line or shape and it’ll give me the properties of that thing. What’s that command called? It’s like ‘help’ or ‘information’ or something like that.”

Me: “The ‘properties’ command, sir.”

Customer: “Yeah! The one that gives me the properties of something! I want that. What’s it called?”

Me: “Sir, it’s called ‘properties.'”

Customer: “Yeah, the one that gives me the properties! It’s called ‘help,’ I think.”

Me: “Sir, to find the properties of an item in your model, you will use the ‘properties’ command.”

(I tell him how to start the command. Afterwards, there’s a long pause on the other end of the line, when suddenly the customer shouts.)

Customer: “OH! It’s called ‘properties!’ Got it! Thanks, bye!”

Screening Out The Stupids

| Minneapolis, MN, USA | Extra Stupid, Transportation

(Our car wash has an intercom in front so customers that have trouble can reach us inside the store. It’s a beautiful summer day, so the car wash doors are open.)

Customer: *over the intercom* “Hello?”

Me: “Yes, sir? How can I help you?”

Customer: *unintelligible*

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: *unintelligible*

Coworker: “I’ll go out there.”

Me: “Sorry, we’re not hearing you clearly in here. I’ll send someone out.”

Customer: “Hello? HELLO?”

Me: “Sir, someone will be right there.”

Customer: “HELLO?”

(The customer starts banging on the intercom. I see my coworker on the camera, and shut off the intercom. After a minute, the car drives in, and my coworker comes back.)

Coworker: “Well, that guy wins the idiot of the year.”

Me: “What happened?”

Coworker: “He said the screen froze and he couldn’t go further.”

Me: “Okay?”

Coworker: “So I pointed out that the screen said ‘Please enter car wash.'”

A Man Needs His Nectar

| Finland | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Top

(I go to my local store after a game of soccer, still wearing my full goalkeeper kit. The cashier and I have met several times but don’t actually know each other at all. I am buying beer.)

Cashier: “[My Name], you can’t buy beer!”

Me: “Why not?”

Cashier: “You come here looking so sporty and I thought you’d buy something healthy or nice, and you buy beer!”

Me: “Okay, I’ll buy something nice.”

(I turn around, grab a bunch of flowers, pay for them, and give them to her.)

Me: “There you go!”

Cashier: “What? For me?”

Me: “Yes.”

Cashier: “But… but why? No one has ever bought me flowers before.”

Me: “Well, you told me to buy something nice, and as you looked tired and a bit down I thought that it would be nice to buy you flowers.”

Cashier: “Thank you! This was so nice of you!”

Me: “May I now drink beer tonight?”

Cashier: “With both hands, if you like!”