There Is No Meat But Where Is The Proof

| Reading, UK | Uncategorized

Customer: “Is your ice cream vegetarian?”

Me: “Well, there’s no meat in it. It does have milk in, so it’s not suitable for vegans.”

Customer: “Yes, but is it vegetarian? You know, does it have alcohol in it?”

In Urgent Need Of A Monolith

| TX, USA | Uncategorized

(A patron has called about extending her borrowing time on a DVD. She is renting “2001: A Space Odyssey”.)

Caller: “I’d really like to get this for a little longer. I live far from the library, and won’t be able to get it back on time.”

Me: “Well, the staff member that handles the loans is not in today. I can take your name and phone number, and have her get back to you.”

Caller: “Oh, that would be just great. I really need to watch this movie because I’m going into space.”

Milking A Complaint For All It Weighs

| MA, USA | Top

(I’m checking out an older woman at the register.)

Customer: “Can you bag these light for me?”

Me: “Sure thing.”

(After several bags worth of items, she has no complaints. I then ring up a gallon of milk for her, and place it in its own bag.)

Customer: *angrily* “Did you not hear me earlier? I asked for these bags to be light. Do you want me to break my arm?”

Me: “Ma’am, there is only one item in that bag.”

Customer: “You’re trying to break my arm! Supervisor! I need a supervisor right now!”

Supervisor: “Can I help you with anything?”

Customer: “He’s trying to kill me! I asked for light bags, and he made this one too heavy. He refuses to redo it!”

Supervisor: “Ma’am, there is only a gallon of milk in that bag. Would you like him to pour out half of the milk for you? That is the only way I see to make that bag lighter.”

Customer: “I’m calling your manager and getting both of you fired. You belong in h*** for trying to kill me!”

True Exits Are On The Way Out

| PEI, Canada | Uncategorized

(We are a very small store, and only have one entrance/exit door. A visitor from a larger city, is standing in the middle of the store, looking lost.)

Me: “Hello, sir. Can I help you with anything?”

Customer: “Yes. Where is your exit?”

Me: “Our exit?”

Customer: “Yes, I came in that door, but I can’t find your exit.”

Me: “We only have one door.”

Customer: “One door? How strange!”

Her Thoughts Are In Utero

| NY, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Do you have any Japanese music?”

Me: “Yes, we have quite a large selection.”

Customer: “That’s great. My daughter wanted something by, um, ah…”

(I patiently wait.)

Customer: “Oh, I can’t remember the name.”

Me: “Don’t worry. Take your time. Maybe you could ask your daughter again?”

Customer: “No, I got it. Something like… uterus?”

Me: *pause* “Uterus?”

Customer: “Hang on. I think I’ll call my daughter.”

(The customer walks away, pulling out a cell. She comes back a minute later.)

Customer: “Okay, I got it now. It’s Utada. Hikaru Utada.”