Please Set Your Phone To Jiggle

Sandy Springs, GA, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m cleaning one of the theaters after a show. The lights haven’t come up yet, so I have a flashlight with me. An old lady approaches me.)

Old Lady: “Excuse me, sir. Could I use your flashlight? I lost my cellphone.”

(I shine the light over to where she is sitting, but find nothing. Another woman, who is also assisting the old lady, comes up.)

Assistant: “Is everything okay?”

Old Lady: “I lost my cellphone.”

Assistant: “Uh-oh. Did you turn it off, or is it on vibrate?”

Old Lady: “It’s on vibrate.”

Assistant: “Well, here let me see if I can call it. What’s your number?”

(The old lady gives her number and the assistant dials it. I hear the phone ring, but keep looking around and am unable to locate it.)

Old Lady: “Oh, wait. I found it!” *reaches into her shirt and pulls cellphone out from her cleavage*

The Gay Jean Debate

| Michigan, USA | Top

Customer: “Why do these jeans say ‘straight leg’ on the tag?”

Me: “Oh, we carry three different types of jeans. So, we mark each pair to—”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “That’s not right. Tell me the real reason!”

Me: “Because they’re straight legged jeans.”

Customer: “NO!”

Me: “Well…ma’am, why do you think they’re marked like that?”

Customer: “Well, how should I know? That’s why I asked you, but you won’t tell me!”

Me: “They say that because the jean legs are straight all the way down, see?”

Customer: *angry* “The jeans aren’t gay friendly?!”

Me: “Uh…no, they are. They’re totally gay friendly.”

Customer: *brightens* “Oh, okay!”

(And she bought them!)

A Clear And Self-Centered Danger

| Boston, MA, USA | Top

(A couple approaches the information desk while I’m manning it. They are probably in their mid-60s.)

Me:  “Can I help you find something?”

Customer:  “Yes, where are your paperbacks by Clancy?”

Me:  “They’re right over here in fiction; follow me.”

(They tag along behind me as I lead them the 10 steps over to the fiction wall.)

Me:  “He’s this whole shelf, and part of the next one.  Was there anything else you were looking for today?”

Customer:  “Other stuff like him. You know, like Woods, Connelly, and Lescroart.”

Me:  “Well, they’re all here in fiction too. It’s alphabetical by author, so you can work your way down from here.  Woods is right at the end by the window.”

Customer:  *peevish* “Why can’t you people just put all the stuff I like together?!”

(At this point his wife, who has been silent the whole time, chimes in.)

Customer’s Wife: “Because the world STILL doesn’t revolve around you, dear.” *to me* “His mother has a lot to answer for!”

Single-Handedly Stupid

| California, USA | Extra Stupid

Me: “How are you doing? Did you find everything all right?”

Customer: “No, I was looking for left-handed writing instruments, but apparently, you don’t have them. I guess I’ll have to take my business somewhere else. I feel bad for my son, though. He has been suffering.”

Me: “Ma’am, I believe that all pencils and pens work for both right-handed and left-handed people.”

Customer: “Then, why is he suffering? He says his hand hurts every time he writes! You don’t understand!”

Me: “I am left-handed. I have been using the same pencils and pens as everyone else, and never had a problem.”

Customer: “I don’t like your tone! You are so disrespectful and unsympathetic! I want to speak to your manager!”

One, Two, Skip A Few

| Livingston, NJ, USA | Uncategorized

Me: *answering the phone* “Thank you for calling [bookstore]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “What are your hours?”

Me: “We’re open from 9 to 10 every day.”

Customer: “You’re only open for one hour?!”

Me: “Oh, no, 9 AM to 10 PM.”

Customer: “That’s only one hour!”

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