(I work at a gym and recreational facility that requires a membership.)
Customer: “Hi, I have a question about my membership payment.”
Me: “Okay, are you on the annual or quarterly payment system.”
Customer: “I don’t know.”
Me: “On the bills you get from us, is it for $350 or $1400?”
Customer: “I don’t know.”
Me: “Okay, if you can give me your name and phone number, I can make sure our billing person looks up your payment and then contacts you.”
Customer: “I don’t know my phone number…”
(I live in Belize. A lot of tourists think they can get away with anything in my country. One day, a foreigner walks into the store.)
Customer: “Can I get some Diazepam?”
Me: “Do you have a prescription?”
Customer: *tries to look bewildered* “Do I need one?”
Me: “Yes, especially since it’s a controlled substance.”
Customer: “It is?” *scoffs* “Well I didn’t know that. Some Xanax, then.”
Me: “That is a controlled substance too. Valium, Xanax, alprazolam, lorazepam, diazepam…they’re all controlled.”
Customer: “Well, then!” *hurriedly walks out of the store*
(An older gentleman is standing at the register looking directly at me.)
Me: “Can I help you, sir?”
Older customer: “Do I look like I need help? No! Oh, boo hoo, I’m a poor little boy who needs help!” *blows his tongue at me and leaves*
Me: “What just happened to me?”
(I work at the fitting rooms of a retail store. Two women are trying on bathing suits. They each have had obvious plastic surgery and enormous racks.)
Customer #1: *dumps a pile of bikinis on my desk* “None of these fit! It’s ridiculous that your store doesn’t carry anything to fit me.”
Customer #2: “Don’t waste your breath…she wouldn’t understand. Look at how tiny her boobs are!”
Customer #1: “Honey, let me give you my brother’s card. He can give you MUCH better boobs.”
Customer #2: “He did mine too! Look how bouncy they are!” *jiggles chest*
Me: “I’m…okay with C-cups, thanks.”
Customer #1: “Call him if you change your mind! Life is better with huge boobs!”
A Day In An Employee’s Life. This week, we share five stories that share the ups and downs (well, mostly the latter) of being an employee. If you’ve ever wanted to share with a friend what your job is like, send them this roundup!
- Teaching The Next Generation:
Fold…unfold…fold…unfold…It’s a wonder more clothing store employees haven’t gone crazy!
- A Time To Laugh, But Mostly A Time To Cry:
This one will get you teary eyed: A customer’s precocious little girl leaves a big, smelly surprise in the changing room.
- Mrs. Understanding:
Teach your children by example…the example of poor, suffering employees, that is.
- In This War, There Are No Winners:
When they say “stick it to the man,” they probably weren’t referring to the guy stuck cleaning up your mess with a mop and a broom.
- Nothin’ Like A Good Old Existential Meltdown:
Customers often ask stupid questions, but on occasion they can have profoundly earth-shattering ramifications.
PS: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!