With All Douche Respect

| Kansas City, MO, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Money, Top

(Note: I am working the express lane in a large department store. Note that we also have a bank branch located inside our store, although this is not where I work.)

Customer #1: “Give me that ten back in a roll of quarters.”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t have enough quarters, and even if I did, I’m not allowed to sell rolls of quarters.”

Customer #1: “Are you kidding me? Is that from you, or your manager?”

Cashier: “That’s store policy.”

Customer #1: “That’s f***ing stupid. I’ve been a customer at this store for 27 god*** years and I’ve never had this problem!”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, sir. I really can’t do that.”

Customer #1: “Let me talk to your manager, then, because this is f***ing ridicu—”

(Fed up, another customer who has been waiting behind Customer #1 interrupts him.)

Customer #2: “Would you stop being such a colossal douche? She says she can’t, and she says it’s policy. It’s not going to change just because you yell at her. If you want to see a manager, go find one and leave her alone. Besides, there’s a BANK fifty feet away from you. Get out of this line! The rest of us have lives!”

Customer #1: “Listen, lady… stop calling me a douche—”

Customer #2: “THEN STOP BEING A DOUCHE!”

Customer #1: *leaves*

Customer #2: *to the cashier* “Sorry, people are douches!”

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The Comradewealth Of Moscowchusetts

| Rockport, MA, USA | Geography, Language & Words

Customer: *in a Southern drawl* “Do you speak English?”

Me: “Sir?”

Customer: “I said, DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?!”

Me: “Sir, I can assure you that I speak English. Why would you ask?”

Customer: “Hey, look, I ain’t never been to Massachusetts. I thought all y’all spoke Russian or some s***!”

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Aisle Always Need Directions, Part 4

| Australia | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(I’m stacking shelves next to the chip display when this happens. Note: The display is very large thus hard to miss.)

Customer: “Hi, I was wondering if you could help me?”

Me: “Of course. What can I do for you, ma’am?”

Customer: “I was wondering what aisle the chips are in?”

(I’m a little stunned, as she is standing right next to them.)

Me: “Um, just right there.” *points to chips*

Customer: “No! I asked what AISLE they were in.”

Me: “Um, ma’am you’re standing right—”

Customer: “FOR F***’S SAKE! CAN YOU PLEASE JUST TELL ME WHAT AISLE THE CHIPS ARE IN?”

Me: “A-Aisle 7.”

Customer: “Thank you! Now was it really that hard?”

(The customer arrives back at the display a few minutes later.)

Customer: *grabs chips* “You could have f***ing told me I was standing right f***ing next to them! HONESTLY! What is this world coming to?!”

Me: *speechless*

Related:
Aisle Always Need Directions, Part 3
Aisle Always Need Directions, Part 2
Aisle Always Need Directions

We All Half Our Favorites

| Ohio, USA | Family & Kids

(My friend and I both volunteer at a daycare for school credit. Although we try to act like we don’t while we’re on the clock, we both do have our favorite students.)

My Friend: “So, who are your favorites?”

Me: “[Little Girl] and [Little Boy].”

My Friend: “I’ve met [Little Girl]. She’s a good kid.”

Me: “Yeah, she’s a sweetie. It took awhile for me and [Little Boy] to warm up to one another, though.”

My Friend: “Oh, yeah?”

Me: *laughs* “On my first day, he drew a picture and gave it to me.”

My Friend: “Aw, that’s so sweet!”

Me: “It was of him karate-chopping me in half.”

My Friend: “…”

Me: “Sometimes, I don’t know if I want to hug that kid or smack him.”

(This was almost two years ago. The picture hangs on my bedroom wall to this day.)

Backhanded Corpulence

| Essex, UK | Health & Body

(I’m customer-facing tech support, and I’ve just fixed up a customer’s phone after a few issues she’s been having.)

Customer: “Oh, that’s brilliant! Thank you so much! Oh, and I love your hair! It’s so trendy!”

Me: “Thanks! Well, if you need any more—”

Customer: “Yeah, sort your weight out and you’d be alright looking.”

Me: “Sorry?!”

Customer: “It’s okay, just exercise! Bye!”

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