All That Glitters Is Not Old

| Florida, USA | Family & Kids, Top

(I’m working at a face painting booth at a local park. A gentleman in his 60s comes up with two small girls. They decide to get painted and hop into the chairs.)

Me: “Sir, the designs they chose both come with optional glitter and lipstick. Is that okay?”

Gentleman: “Absolutely, go all out! Glitter, lips, the works. Maybe this’ll teach Grandma not to leave the kids alone with Pop-Pop!”

In The Wrong Place At The Right Time

| PA, USA | Food & Drink

(I’m busing tables at a small, family owned restaurant. There is another restaurant about fifteen minutes away with the same name, so we sometimes get mix ups. We are just started to slow down after a fairly busy dinner rush when I overhear the hostess talking to a customer.)

Hostess: “Hi, welcome to [restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I placed an order with you guys and I’m here to pick it up.”

(The hostess checks but sees no order for her.)

Hostess: “I’m not seeing any order under your name. Are you sure you didn’t accidentally call [other restaurant] instead?”

Customer: “How DARE you accuse me of being that dumb? Of course I called here! You just can’t do your job right. Look in the back; I’m sure they have it!”

(The hostess goes to the back waitress station but doesn’t find it. She decides to call the other restaurant, and, sure enough, they have her order.)

Hostess: “Ma’am, I just called the other restaurant and they have your order. If you’d like, we can put your order in now but it won’t be done for another fifteen minutes.”

Customer: “NO! I need my food now! Give me someone else’s. I have stuff to do!”

Hostess: “I don’t know what to tell you, ma’am. You can either drive fifteen minutes to the other restaurant, or you can wait fifteen minutes and get it here.”

Customer: “Hmph, fine! I guess I’ll wait, but this is the worst service I’ve ever had!”

(As she waits, the customer stands at the counter while tapping her her foot and staring at her watch. When her food is finally finished, she tears it out of the hostess hands and storms out.)

Customer: “I’M NEVER COMING TO THIS S***HOLE AGAIN!”

Next Customer: *to the hostess* “…and we’re all very thankful for that!”

Time To Get Your Self Checked Out

| Newmarket, ON, Canada | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

Customer: “I want to make a complaint! The cashier triple charged me for the cheese!”

Me: “Really? Let me see the receipt so I can give you a refund.”

Customer: *shoves the receipt at me*

Me: “Ma’am, you said the cashier triple charged you?”

Customer: “Yes, and she was very rude and disrespectful!”

Me: “Ma’am, our receipts show which till the sale went through on. You were on self-checkout, so you overcharged yourself. Are you still wanting to make a complaint?”

Customer: *stammers and quickly leaves, minus her refund*

Next Customer: *jokingly* “Hi, I’m feeling guilty and would like to complain about myself as well!”

Your Weekend Makes My Grief Extend

| Nanaimo, BC, Canada | Bizarre

Customer: “So, how are you spending your long weekend?”

Me: “I’m working here.”

Customer: “Why would you be here?”

Me: *confused* “Because I’m working?”

Customer: “But why?”

Me: “Um, because I’m scheduled to work.”

Customer: “That doesn’t make any sense!” *walks away*

Murray’s Law

| Sydney, Australia | At The Checkout, Top

(I work at a complaints and returns desk. We generally get a few unreasonable and abusive customers each day, so we’ve developed a very effective tactic for dealing with them.)

Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “You guys are idiots!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Look at this receipt! Look at it!”

(He holds up a receipt for a purchase; it looks normal enough.)

Me: “Is there a problem with it?”

Customer: “God, you’re so dumb! Look how faint the ink is! I can barely read it! You want me to go blind?!”

Me: “Ah, well, it looks like the printer’s ink was running a little low, and it can look faded because of that. Would you like me to reprint it so you can read it?”

Customer: “NO! Then you’ll just get away with it! Stupid idiots!”

(The customer starts getting worked up and begins a rant full of swear words and physical threats. I realise what the situation calls for.)

Me: “I am terribly, terribly sorry sir. That looks like Murray did it. What an idiot!”

(This stops the customer’s rant in his tracks and looks at me, breathless.)

Customer: “…Murray?”

Me: “Yes, Murray! He’s always causing problems for customers like you. It’s really unfair. I’ll deal with it right now.” *calling out* “Murray? Come here!”

(As per protocol, the nearest male coworker who isn’t busy comes over to play the role of Murray.)

Male Coworker: “Yes?”

Me: “How dare you upset this customer! You’re fired! Get out!”

Male Coworker: *acts dejected* “I’m so sorry…”

(“Murray” shuffles off looking like he’s about to cry, and once out of sight gets right back to work.)

Me: “There we are, sir. You don’t have to worry about that sort of thing happening ever again. The customer always comes first, and we take complaints very seriously. Have a nice day!”

Customer: “Wow, you guys are really great! Thanks, and good riddance to that idiot Murray!” *leaves*

(This isn’t simply to avoid confrontation; our manager estimates that using the “Murray” tactic to placate customers like this saves us nearly an hour of verbal abuse each day, so we have more time to actually help the customers who need it.)

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