A Bona-Fido Idiot

| NC, USA | Pets & Animals, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I am a dog walker. I’ve focused on an apartment complex near me, and get to know everyone’s dogs very well. The one I have the most trouble with is an Airedale Terrier. He is a biter, and the owner does not allow a muzzle on her dog. Unfortunately, not everyone would heed my warnings about not touching the dog.)

Man: “Hey, that’s a cute terrier. Can I pet your dog?”

(In anticipation, I wind the terrier’s leash tighter while keeping an eye on the second dog, which is a mastiff.)

Me: “Well, sir, he’s not my dog, and I wouldn’t advise petting him as he bites.”

Man: *stretches his arm towards the dog* “Nonsense, young lady. Terriers are the sweetest things, not like that pit you have there. You really shouldn’t own pits, you know. Crazy dangerous they are.”

Me: *pulls the dog back* “Sir, that’s a mastiff and neither of these are my dogs. I’m just their walker. Please do not touch the Airedale. He bites.”

Man: *still tries to pet the dog* “He’s so cute! Look at those little ears and that tail just wagging away!”

Me: “Sir, for the third time, please do not put your hand near the dog.”

Man: “Let’s give you a little pat eh-YRROUCH! He bit me!”

Me: *exasperated* “Yes, sir. He did. Did he break the skin?”

Man: “Your dog is crazy! You should be arrested for bring a dangerous animal in public!”

Me: “Sir, I did warn you and for the last time it is not my dog.”

Man: “What if I was a child?!”

Me: “You certainly have the logic of one.”

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Monster Having A Ball

| CO, USA | Holidays

(I’m working as a sign waver for a popular Halloween-themed seasonal retail chain. Because of the theme, I’m dressed in costume. I’m approached by a pair of teenage girls, but because I’m a little guy, I’m shorter than they are.)

Girl #1: “Hey! What are you supposed to be?””

Me: “I’m a pumpkin ghoul.”

Girl #2: “Would you be mad if I pushed you over?”

Me: *taken aback* “I believe I would. Though, because I was summoned unwillingly into this world to advertise for [Halloween chain], I am still a monster.”

Girl #1: “Okay, that’s creepy.”

(The two then run away as quickly as they could after exchanging uneasy looks.)

Me: *calling after them* “Have a happy Halloween!”

Past The Point Of No Return, Part 2

| CA, USA | At The Checkout, Liars & Scammers

(I’m working at a going-out-of-business sale, during which there’s a ‘All Sales Final, NO Returns’ policy. A customer approaches the register with a box full of pipe fittings. He starts placing them on the counter.)

Me: “Did you find everything all right today, sir?”

Customer: “Oh, I’m not buying these. I’m returning them.”

Me: *pointing to sign right next to me* “Sir, we do not take returns anymore.”

Customer: “Well, you’re f***ing taking these. I bought these and was told any unused ones can be returned. Now I want my money back!”

Me: “Sir, these aren’t even a brand we carry at this store.”

Customer: “Don’t f***ing talk to me! Hurry up and do your job.”

Me: “Sir, even if I could take returns, I don’t see a receipt for these items. When did you say you bought these?”

Customer: “Like, 3 months ago. You’re f***ing useless! Where’s your manager?”

(I grab my manager and explain the situation to him.)

Manager: *to customer* “So, let me get this straight. You’re returning a product that we never supplied three months after you supposedly bought them, with no proof of purchase, when we do not allow returns?”

Customer: “This is bulls***! I’ve been a loyal customer here for 23 f***ing years! You can’t just throw me out!”

Manager: “Sir, my name is on the building, and I’ve run this place since 1982. I’ve never seen you before in my life. So I suggest you get out now before I call the police.”

(The customer grabbed his box, muttered some swear words under his breath, and stormed out.)

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Past The Point Of No Return

She Has A Real Problem

| FL, USA | Bigotry, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I am at my regular grocery store at the checkout. The bagger is a sweet man with a mental disability, who is carefully bagging my items.)

Bagger: “You want this one?”

(He holds up one of my canvas bags, which I see has a hole in it.)

Me: “No, use another. Thanks.”

Woman behind me: “God! Hurry it up!”

Me: “I just finished paying. He’s fine.”

Woman behind me: “Oh, so you’re slow like him too? God all you special people need to stop interfering with normal people.”

Bagger: *looks offended* “Ma’am, she’s not not-smart. She goes to [University].” *points to my university logo on my sweatpants* “She’s real smart.”

Me: “And he’s the best bagger here! He’s very careful, ma’am, which is a good thing with groceries.”

(My bags are done. Since he knows I walk back to my dorm, the bagger just hands them to me and helps me shoulder them.)

Woman behind me: “God, he won’t even help you take them to your car? What a delinquent. I want to see a manager about this!”

Me: “I walk, lady. You want to call a manager over something I have intentionally asked him to do many times?”

Bagger: *to me* “Have a nice day!”

Woman behind me: “Retard.”

(The cashier, who hasn’t said a word through the whole thing, looks at the woman calmly.)

Cashier: “Refusal of service for massive discrimination towards a valued employee, as well as a regular customer. You may leave your items here; we’ll shelve them later. Please leave.”

(She instead decides to cause a massive disturbance, eventually breaking a shelf, and needing to be physically restrained while the bagger leads me and another customer behind the cigarette counter for our safety. We have to wait for a cop to come.)

Bagger: “Still… coming next week?” *he looks worried*

Me: “Yep.”

(His smile made me really happy for the rest of the day.)

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Oblivious To The Obvious

| UT, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Money

Me: “Hi, this is [name]from [insurance company]. I’m calling because your policy cancelled for non-payment of premium.”

Client: “Again?! This happens every month! It’s not my fault though. Can you tell them it’s not my fault?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Client: “See, each time my payment has been due, I’ve been in jail. My probation officer is an a**. Every time I do something illegal he throws me in jail. Every single time!”

Me: “I can set you up on automatic withdrawal from your bank just in case.”

Client: “No, I rarely have money. How can I avoid this happening again in the future?”

Me: “Pay your bill on time?”

Client: “But, what about the jail thing?”

Me: “Um… stop breaking the law?”

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