Eyes Wide Shut

| Wisconsin, USA | Top

(Note: I am the customer in this story. This takes place when I am getting a makeover at the cosmetics counter of a department store.)

Saleswoman: *doing my eye makeup* “Okay, now open!”

Me: *opens mouth & keeps eyes closed*

Saleswoman: “I meant your eyes, dear…”

Gravity, The Universal Mood Killer, Part 3

, | Washington, USA | Rude & Risque, Top

(I work at a store that sells area rugs. We take a fair amount of phone calls from people who have questions regarding area rugs.)

Me: “[Store], this is [name].”

Caller: “Hello? I have a question. Can you help me?”

Me: “Of course, what is your question?”

Caller: “I can’t get it to stay up!”

Me: “Oh…um…okay. What do you mean?”

Customer: “My area rug! It’s old and I love it, but recently I can’t get it to stay up. The…what are they called? Fibers? They are all crushed and won’t stay up!”

Me: “Oh, I see.”

Customer: “I’ve been vacuuming it non-stop on all the different settings. It’s not as stiff and thick as it used to be. No matter how hard I suck, it just won’t stay up!”

Me: *trying to stay composed* “Alright, well that does tend to happen with age. Rugs tend to get pile-crushing after long periods of heavy traffic.”

Customer: “So, you’re telling me I can’t get it up because it’s old?!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, that is exactly what I’m telling you.”

(I manage to keep it together for the rest of the conversation. However, my manager, who can hear the entire exchange, is cracking-up next to me the entire time. The innuendo was much thicker than her rug!)

Related:
Gravity, The Universal Mood Killer, Part 2
Gravity, The Universal Mood Killer

Forget You, And Forget Me Too

| Chicago, IL, USA | Extra Stupid

(I work at a gym and recreational facility that requires a membership.)

Customer: “Hi, I have a question about my membership payment.”

Me: “Okay, are you on the annual or quarterly payment system.”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “On the bills you get from us, is it for $350 or $1400?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Okay, if you can give me your name and phone number, I can make sure our billing person looks up your payment and then contacts you.”

Customer: “I don’t know my phone number…”

You Better Belize It

| Belize | Criminal & Illegal

(I live in Belize. A lot of tourists think they can get away with anything in my country. One day, a foreigner walks into the store.)

Customer: “Can I get some Diazepam?”

Me: “Do you have a prescription?”

Customer: *tries to look bewildered* “Do I need one?”

Me: “Yes, especially since it’s a controlled substance.”

Customer: “It is?” *scoffs* “Well I didn’t know that. Some Xanax, then.”

Me: “That is a controlled substance too. Valium, Xanax, alprazolam, lorazepam, diazepam…they’re all controlled.”

Customer: “Well, then!” *hurriedly walks out of the store*

Nanny Nanny Boo Boo, The Golden Years

| Maine, USA | Bizarre

(An older gentleman is standing at the register looking directly at me.)

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Older customer: “Do I look like I need help? No! Oh, boo hoo, I’m a poor little boy who needs help!” *blows his tongue at me and leaves*

Me: “What just happened to me?”

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