Wouldn’t Wish Him On Your Worst Enema

| Berkeley, CA, USA | Right | May 3, 2014

(A customer wanders around drug store for half an hour, feeling too embarrassed to ask where the enemas are.)

Employee: “Hi. Can I help you?”

Customer: “Uh, I’m looking for an enema bag.”

Employee: “Oh… you want a bag? We have some bags.”

(I lead the customer to a small case full of purses in the cosmetics section.)

Employee: “Here are the bags.”

Customer: “Do you know what an enema is?”

Employee: “No…”

Customer: “I’ll ask someone else.” *leaves drug store*

Diolch yn fawr Very Much, Part Dau

| Deiniolen, Wales, UK | Right | May 2, 2014

(I am on about my third shift as a new employee at a petrol station. I am currently the only day-staff member who speaks Welsh, and many customers, it seems, have never met the store’s Welsh-speaking night staff. As I live and work in a very Welsh-speaking area, my ability to use the language seems to be something of a novelty for the regular customers).

Customer: *in Welsh* “So nice to have a true Welsh-speaking Welshwoman on the staff here, even if you’re not local.”

Me: *in Welsh* “Well, thank you for the compliment. There are actually two ‘true Welsh-speaking Welsh’ staff members, but I’m afraid I’m not one of them!”

Customer: *in Welsh* “Sure you are. I mean it’s obvious you’ve come up from, like, [Mid Wales Town] or somewhere to study at [Nearby University], as your manner of speaking is a bit more polite than us lot. We do like to yell at each other, you know.”

Me: *in Welsh* “Well, you’re right about me studying at [Nearby University], but I’m actually from [Southern England town]. I’m polite because I am working in a shop and I’ve been trained to always treat customers with care and respect.”

Customer: *in English* “No f****** way! You can’t be English. Your Welsh is too good!”

Me: *in Welsh* “I assure you, I am English. I’ve had 3.5 years of Welsh lessons, and plenty of friends who’ve encouraged me to practice the language so that I’m comfortable using it in a work situation. I am flattered that you felt my Welsh was good enough to count me amongst born-and-bred Welsh speakers, though.”

Customer: *in English* “So you could understand everything I was saying to you just now?”

Me: *in Welsh* “Well, weren’t you of the impression I was from [Mid-Wales Town]? We sustained a conversation in Welsh.”

Customer: *in English* “I just can’t get my head around being able to talk in Welsh to an English person. I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to talk to you in English. I can’t deal with talking to you in Welsh. It’s too much.”

Me: *in Welsh* “Whatever makes you more comfortable. Would you prefer it if I also switched to English?”

Customer: *in English* “Oh God, no! It’s about time you lot learned our bloody language!”

 

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Bound(ary) To Serve

| Canberra, ACT, Australia | Right | May 2, 2014

(We have a regular that comes in every Wednesday or Thursday night. This time, I’m on the register when he comes in. I am female, wearing a knee-length tunic over linen pants as it’s high summer and very warm.)

Customer: *without saying hello* “Are you pregnant?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I was wondering if you were pregnant. Are you?”

Me: “I don’t see how it’s any of your business, but no.”

Customer: “It’s just that I had a haircut today, and my hairdresser was wearing a similar outfit to you. She was four months pregnant and got angry at me because I didn’t notice or say anything. So now I’m wondering, do all women wear what you wear when they’re pregnant?”

Me: “I’m not sure why your hairdresser had such a strong reaction, but I’m pretty sure most women are wearing what I’m wearing right now because its 45 degrees celsius outside and not because it’s a secret code that we’re reproducing.”

Customer: “Oh, good point. Sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude by asking personal questions.”

(The very next week, he returns and again walks right up to the register.)

Customer: “Do you have a boyfriend?”

Me: *sigh* “Yes.”

Customer: “Are you going to marry him?”

Me: “Okay, sir, I think we need to have a quiet chat about boundaries…”

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On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 7

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Right | May 2, 2014

(While I’m cleaning the men’s washroom, a regular has walked in.)

Me: “I’m sorry. I’ll just be a minute longer and then you can use the washroom.”

Customer: “Nope. Gotta go now.”

Me: “Well, then, I’ll leave and finish when you’re done.”

Customer: “Nah, don’t worry. I don’t have anything to hide.”

(I only just managed to get out of the room before he finished opening his pants!)

 

Refunder Blunder, Part 5

| Calgary, AB, Canada | Right | May 2, 2014

(I’m the assistant manager of my store. I’m at work on a quiet day when I get the following call.)

Caller: “Hello. I’ve got a problem here.”

Me: “Sorry to hear that. What’s the issue?”

Caller: “A refund with you guys didn’t show up on my credit statement!”

(It’s rare, but possible for an employee to make the mistake of charging the card a second time instead of refunding the money, so I check that right away.)

Me: “Oh, dear… By any chance does the same charge from us come up twice? If so—”

Caller: “No, no. There’s just no refund listed!”

(Baffled, I get her to give me the date and number from her receipt so I can look up the transaction.)

Me: “Oh, so, this is the sale transaction, not the refund. When did you come in to return the items?”

Caller: “I didn’t.”

Me: “You… Sorry, what?”

Caller: “I didn’t return them.”

Me: “So… you didn’t actually do a return with us, and now you’re wondering why there’s no refund on your credit statement?”

Caller: “Well, it just sounds silly when you put it like that!”

 

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