A License To Kill Hope For Humanity

| Rochester Hills, MI, USA | Right | March 31, 2014

(I work customer service desk at a local retail store. Sometimes I cashier when we’re busy.)

Me: “Okay, your total is [total].”

Customer: “Okay.”

(The customer starts swiping her card, but it won’t read)

Me: “Go ahead and swipe the card again. It didn’t catch it the first time.”

(The customer swipes the card again, but it still won’t read. She keeps swiping it, and on one of these swipes I catch a glimpse of the card she’s using. She is getting increasingly frustrated.)

Customer: “WHY. WON’T. THIS. SWIPE!?”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Ma’am, take a look at your card for me, please?”

(The customer looks at her card. It’s her driver’s license.)

Customer: “Oh…”

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The Gift Of Friendship

| NY, USA | Right | March 31, 2014

Customer: “I am going to pay with a gift card.”

Me: “Okay, swipe it there.”

Customer: *swipes gift card*

Me: “Would you like me to take the gift card for you? There’s nothing left on it.”

Customer: “No, I like to keep them on my desk.”

Me: “Okay…”

Customer: “I keep them on my desk because when I invite my friends over, I see who’s really my friend. If the gift card is still there when they leave, they are a true friend. If not, I know to have a shotgun waiting for them when they come back!”

Me: “… Good idea?”

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Combo Number Four(skin)

, | Des Moines, IA, USA | Right | March 31, 2014

(I’m working the drive-thru at about nine pm. A car comes up and a teenager gives his order of a burger.)

Me: “And what size do you want for that?”

Customer: “Uh… circumcise me!”

Me: “You mean supersize?”

Customer: “Yeah! Circumcise me.”

(He drives to the first window, paying. I stick an extra plastic knife in his bag. When he drives to my window, I hand him his food.)

Me: “Sir, I included one of our plastic knives. Unfortunately, we can’t perform your request here.”

Customer: “What?”

(The girl in the passenger seat, presumably his girlfriend, leans over and whispers in his ear.)

Customer: *eyes widen and looks at me horrified*

Me: “You did ask.”

Customer: *steps on the gas and speeds out of the drive-thru*

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Understanding Of The Technology Is Backwards

| York, England, UK | Right | March 31, 2014

(It’s a crazy busy day in the library, with queues of around 10 customers per member of staff, and everyone is run off their feet. A lady comes in on a mobility scooter who is known to staff as a bit of a deliberate time waster. She starts shouting for a member of the staff to come and assist her.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes. I want something photocopied.”

(Normally photocopying would be self-operated by the user, but I can see why it would be difficult to do from a mobility scooter.)

Me: “Okay, no problem. Let me give you a hand. What do you need copying?”

Customer: “This!”

(She pulls an artist’s pad from her bag, which has a picture of a bird on it.)

Me: “Thanks. Let me get that copied for you.”

Customer: “Hang on. I need to finish the leg. Do you have a fine liner?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. I can get you a biro though?”

Customer: *grumbling* “I suppose that will do.”

(I hand her the biro and she starts painstakingly drawing in the leg of the bird. I glance over at the desk and see the queue has become even longer.)

Me: “I’ll pop back when you’ve had a chance to finish that.”

Customer: *shouting* “DON’T YOU DARE! STAY HERE! YOU HAVE TO HELP ME. I’M DISABLED. I TAKE PRIORITY!”

Me: “I understand, but if you aren’t ready for me to help you, I can come back later—”

Customer: “Write on this in mirror writing for me.”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “I need you to write on it backwards. Put my name and the date and the title, but backwards.”

Me: “Um, I’m really sorry but I don’t think I can do that. Why does it need to be backwards?”

Customer: “So it will be the right way round when you have photocopied it.”

Me: “That… is not how photocopiers work. It will be fine written normally. I promise.”

Customer: “You are so stupid! It’s the same as when you take a photo… That comes out backwards, too.”

Me: “… I’m pretty sure that doesn’t work like that either.”

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Missed The Magic Of The Magic Kingdom

| Fayetteville, NC, USA | Right | March 30, 2014

(A customer comes up to the till and hands me a bunch of DVDs. We have to up-sell, for obvious reasons.)

Me: “I see you are getting a bunch of Disney movies. Did you know the newest Harry Potter just came out? We do have some copies on the shelf.”

Customer: “I’m not even going to touch that anti-Christ movie! Any movie that delves into magic is Satan’s movies!”

(I look down at the movies being rented and finish the transaction with no more chit-chatting.)

Me: “Enjoy The Little Mermaid, and Beauty and the Beast! Have a nice day!”

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