This Customer’s Spirit Is Unsinkable

, | Derbyshire, England, UK | Awesome Customers, Movies & TV, Top

(I am quite well-spoken and have what many people refer to as a ‘posh’ accent.)

Me: “Alright, so that will be £24, please!”

Customer: “You’re far too posh to be working in a place like this!”

Me: “Why, thank you! I do tend to hear that rather often! I’ve got to pay my way through university somehow, I suppose.”

Customer: “Ooh yes! You sound just like that Kate Winslet!”

Me: “Um, thank you! Have a good night!”

(About one week passes, when the customer comes through again, this time with her entire family in tow.)

Customer: “It’s Kate Winslet!”

Me: “Hello again! How are you all this evening?”

Customer: “I’d be better if you could just talk at my kids a second!”

Me: “Okay then. I mean, what would you like me to say?”

Customer: “They’ve been watching Titanic all week getting ready for this. Say that bit when she’s stuck on the door at the end!”

Me: “Um… ‘I’ll never let go, Jack!'”

Customer: *to her kids* “Ha! Didn’t I tell you she sounded just like her?!”

Me: “Well, I’m glad you liked it. Is there anything else I can help you all with tonight?”

Customer: “Oh, no thank you, darling. Just stay as you are. It’s so nice to be served by people that are just so happy!”

(These customers are now regulars, who not only ask me to quote Titanic every time they come through, but also got one of my coworkers to do the ‘Gangnam Style’ dance.)

The Cake Is Not A Lie

| TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(I’m making a banana split, when a woman frantically rushes over to me, waving her hands up and down.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am, is everything all right?”

Customer: “Yes, yes, I just have a question.”

Me: “Okay, what is your question?”

Customer: “These cakes in this case over here, the mint one… does it have cake in it?”

Me: “…Excuse me?”

Customer: “Does this cake have cake in it?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, the cakes contain cake.”

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Someone Freed Willy

| College Station, TX, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Rude & Risque

(I am a manager at a local hotel. I’m manning the phones.) 

Me:” Thank you for calling [hotel name], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hello, I stayed at your hotel last weekend. I just wanted to let you know that there was a man without his pants on at the pool area.”

Me: “I’m sorry you had to witness that, sir.”

Caller: “Oh, it’s no problem. It was just awkward because his ‘willy’ was hanging.” 

Me: “Sir?”

Caller: “Well, it must have been a 10-incher because my wife is still talking about it ’til this day!”

He’s Obviously Just Wingin’ It

| Georgia, USA | Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

(I serve a customer some food, specifically wings and fries. He approaches me with his meal; two of the wings are badly hidden in the fries.)

Customer: “Hey man, you didn’t give me two wings. Cook them again!”

Me:” I’m sure that I gave you the order just like you asked.”

Customer: “Yo man, I told you! I have two f***ing wings missin’! How the f*** do you know that I be gettin’ all my wings?!”

Me: “I also cook the food, sir.”

Customer: “THAT DON’T MEAN NUTTIN!”

Me: “I count before, during, and after food preparation. I guarantee you, you got what you ordered.”

Customer: “NO I DIDN’T!”

Me: “Okay, then please explain why there are chicken bones in the fries, and why you have hot sauce on your lips.”

Customer: *flips me the bird and storms out of the store*

The Liquidation Of Our Education

| Cedar Rapids, IA, USA | Extra Stupid

(I am a cashier at a well-known home improvement store. I’m working the closing shift in our garden register during summer, and am the only register open. We have a wide range of displays of water fountains up for customers to see them working, to decide if they want to buy one for their yard. A customer walks in and stands in front of fountains for several minutes looking at them before coming over to me.)

Customer: “Hey, I’m trying to get a fountain for my yard, and I had a quick question. Do you know much about them?”

Me: “Well, I’ve only been trained as a cashier but I’ll answer what I can.”

Customer: “Great! I just wanted to know, is the water included?”

(I can’t believe the customer is asking this question, so I joke with him.)

Me: “No, sir. You buy the water separate.”

Customer: “Oh, how much is it?”

Me: “Do you have a sink at home?”

Customer: “Yes. Why?”

Me: “Then the water is free.”

(The customer looks confused until he suddenly realizes what he’s asked.)

Customer: “Oh!”

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