Our Faith In Humanity Is Sinking

| Fort Nelson, BC, Canada | Extra Stupid, History, Movies & TV

(I hear two younger girls—maybe 16 or 17—in the hallway talking right outside my office. One of the girls sees a poster on the wall that has something to do with the 100 year anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic.)

Girl #1: “Oh, wow, it’s been 100 years since the Titanic sank. I didn’t know it had been that long.”

Girl #2: “Really? Leonardo DiCaprio sure doesn’t look that old! He must have a lot of work done…”

Discussing Green Cards Until You’re Red In The Face

| MI, USA | Uncategorized

(I work in a drug store as a photo tech. Part of my job is taking passport photos. I take the photo then run it through a software program to ensure it meets standards for a passport photo. I have no leeway on the size of the photo. I cannot make it smaller or larger.)

Customer: “I need a Green Card photo.”

Me: “I can’t do Green Card photos.”

Customer: “But I need a Green Card photo.”

(He speaks pretty decent English, and his accompanying wife speaks flawless English.)

Me: “I’m sorry; I’m not even sure where you would go for that. It needs to be taken in a very specific way and I don’t have the software to do a Green Card photo.”

Customer: “Just take the photo!”

Me: “I can take a passport photo for you, but it won’t be the right size.”

Customer: “Take the photo!”

Me: “I’ll take a passport photo for you, but it won’t be what you need.”

(The customer speaks to his wife in their native language.)

Customer’s Wife: “Shut up, she knows what she’s doing.”

Me: “I actually don’t, because we don’t do Green Card photos and I assure you, this is not going to be what you need. This photo will be too large to use.”

Customer’s Wife: “You’ll do fine, dear.”

(I take the photo, explain to them again it will not be what they need. At their insistence, I process the photo and tell them as it develops it will not be what they need. I hand the finished product over.)

Customer: “It’s not the right size!”

Me:” I know. I do not have the capability to do a proper Green Card photo. This is the smallest photo I can make for you.”

Customer: “It’s too big!” *brandishes credit card at me, mistaking it for Green Card* “This size, this size!”

(I decide to make one last attempt at explaining this before I call my manager, who I love but I know is having a bad day.)

Me: “I do not have Green Card specification software. The only identification photos I can take accurately are passport photos. My computer is not capable of making a Green Card photo.”

Customer: *pauses* “Well, why the h*** didn’t you just tell me that?!”

Me: “I did, love. Five separate times. Have a great day, folks!”

Urine Her Way

| TX, USA | Bizarre, Health & Body

(A customer comes in and so far has been acting completely normal.) 

Customer: “May I use your restroom?”

Me: *gesturing to the sign right behind me* “I’m sorry ma’am, we don’t have a public restroom.”

(Suddenly the customer grabs her crotch like a child, and starts hopping up and down. She tries to take off running to the gas station across the street, and I shout after her that they don’t have a public restroom either. I see her run out of the gas station, squat down next to the air pump, and begin peeing. She then returns to my store.)

Customer: *sighs with relief* “When you have to go, you have to go.” *winks at me and walks out*

Misbehavior Reaches Critical Mass

| USA | Family & Kids, Religion

(My husband and I are sitting a few tables down from a family of six. All of the children are older, the youngest looking about 17, so I didn’t expect any problems until a priest walks in.)

Teenage daughter: “Hey [brothers’ names], look at the priest!”

Mother: “Shush, don’t embarrass yourself.”

Son #1: “S***, does this mean we can’t do s***?”

Teenage daughter: “Oooh, you swore in front of a priest! You’re going to Hell!”

Son #1: “You’re going to Hell for being a wh***.”

(The parents look mortified at their behavior. I am shocked, too, especially at a man in his early twenties calling his younger sister a wh***. After chastising them both, the parents go back to conversing with the older daughter until the other two start up again.)

Teenage daughter: “Hey, [other brother], I dare you to go ask for confession.”

Son #2: “Seriously, you both need to shut up.”

Teenage daughter: *completely ignoring her mother’s warning* “You’re scared of a little priest? What’s he going to do? Send me to Hell?”

(Finally, it appears the priest has had enough, and stands up, approaching the table from the girl’s side.)

Priest: “First off, young lady, I have heard your mother tell you to be quiet several times. The fourth commandment says honor thy mother and thy father. You, my dear, obviously need some work on that. Secondly, if anyone needs confession at this table, it is you. Thirdly, the makeup doesn’t quite cover the hickey on your neck.”

(At this, the second son bursts out laughing, and the father profusely thanks the priest for reigning in his now speechless daughter. They ask the priest to join them and insist on paying for his meal. Besides that, on the way out, I hear the mother tell the daughter she’s grounded until she’s 30.)

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There’s Something In Those Poppy Seeds

, | NYC, NY, USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Top

(My boss is known for being very strict, and demanding ‘good customer relations.’ He reprimands us if we say things that he thinks are ‘unprofessional,’ which has forced us to be very formal with everyone who comes into the shop. Today, he’s running late.)

Customer: “Can I get a toasted everything bagel, and-” *turns to daughter* “What do you want?”

Customer’s daughter: *about eight years old* “Poppy seeds and cream cheese!”

Customer: “…and a poppy seed bagel with cream cheese.”

Co-worker: “Sure, here’s your poppy seed. Just give me a minute to toast the everything.”

Customer’s daughter: *after a few seconds* “Mommy.”

Customer: “We’re almost ready to go, dear, mommy just needs her bagel too.”

Customer’s daughter: “Mommy…I dropped my bagel and the cream cheese is dirty.”

Co-worker: “Don’t worry about it. Here’s a new one for free.”

Customer’s daughter: *very excited* “BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

Customer: “Bagel bagel bagel bagel!”

Me: *handing the customer her bagel* “Here’s your BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

Coworker: *joining in* “BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

(Suddenly, my boss walks in the door. My coworker, the customer, and I all shut up and look embarrassed. The daughter doesn’t stop.)

Customer’s daughter: “BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

Boss: “When in Rome. BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

All three of us: “BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

(My boss is still serious, but whenever that customer comes in, he starts screaming ‘BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL’ over and over again!)

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