Scan-dalous

| Kerang, Victoria, Australia | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque

(I’m working a cash register at a supermarket.)

Me: “G’day, how’s it going?”

Customer: “Yeah, pretty good, thanks.”

(I begin to scan her items.)

Me: “So do you have any plans for the rest of your day?”

Customer: “Yeah, I hope to get laid for the first time in three years!”

(I look over to see she had amongst her groceries: several punnets of strawberries, dipping chocolate, oysters, condoms, and personal lubricant.)

Customer: *beaming*

(I return to scanning her items in silence. She pays and gathers her items.)

Me: “Have a great night.”

Customer: “Oh, believe me, I will!”

You’ve Got To Be Kitten Me

| USA | Language & Words

(Two of my coworkers both speak Irish fluently. I’ve picked up a few phrases from them. They are having a conversation in Irish when this happens. Please note: the female coworker has a medical condition where she twitches.)

Customer: “EXCUSE ME! How DARE you?!”

Female Coworker: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Apologize to me, immediately!”

Female Coworker: “I’m sorry ma’am, what’s the problem?”

Customer: “You were just talking about me! I heard my name! [Name]!”

Male Coworker: “You mean [Irish word]?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Female Coworker: *twitches* “I am sorry for the confusion, ma’am. In Irish, [word] means ‘kitten’. We were talking about the kitten my neighbor just bought his daughter.”

Customer: “No! I know it was my name!”

(The customer starts screaming bloody murder, so I approach.)

Me: “Is there something I can help with?”

Customer: “They were insulting me in some… some HEATHEN SPEAK!” *points at my female coworker* “And THAT ONE is possessed or something! She won’t stop twitching!”

(Suddenly, the customer swings her purse violently at us, but thankfully none of us are hit.)

Me: *to my employees* “Are you okay?!”

Female Coworker: “I’m fine. And yourself?”

(The customer screws up her face, balls up her fists and starts screaming again. She wouldn’t stop, so I had to have her arrested and taken out of the store.)

Common Courtesies: Not For Commoners, Part 2

| New York, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Wild & Unruly

(A couple and their 5-year-old child comes into my 20 items or less lane. However, they have a large, overflowing cart with clearly more than 20 items.)

Me: “Hi, I’m sorry but are you aware this lane is 20 items or less?”

Customer: “Does it matter? Take care of us!”

(The customer starts unloading her items on the tiny counter. Meanwhile, her child is standing in the cart and starts throwing things.)

Me: *to the customer’s child* “Alright, sweetie, please don’t throw things.”

Customer: “Excuse me? Don’t you dare tell my kid what to do!”

Me: “Ma’am, he’s throwing things. He could hurt—”

(At this point the kid hefts up a very large can of broth and throws it at me, hitting me in the face.)

Customer’s Child: *laughs*

Customer: “Oh! Isn’t he cute?! Good job sweetie! We don’t treat these people nice. It’s good to learn early to make them shut up!”

(Another cashier took over for me so I could attend to my injuries, but before security could get there they had left the store. Thankfully nothing was broken, but I had a pretty bashed up looking face for a while!)

Related:
Common Courtesies: Not For Commoners

Someone Needs To Boof-riend Him

| Illinois, USA | Language & Words, Pets & Animals

(A man approaches me while I’m at my register.)

Customer: “Excuse me; I have a question.”

Me: “Sure, what can I help you with?”

Customer: “What does ‘boof’ mean?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “‘Boof.’ You guys have a bumper sticker that says ‘boof.'”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I have no idea what ‘boof’ means.”

Customer: “The sticker is just dumb. It says, ‘My dog is my ‘boof.'”

Me: “Oh! ‘My dog is my BFF!'”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s what I said.”

Me: “It’s an abbreviation, sir. It means ‘best friends forever.'”

Customer: “Well, that’s dumb. How stupid do you have to be to have a dog as your best friend?!”

Screaming Some Nonsense Can Lead To Slapping Some Sense

, | USA | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I’m working at a fast food restaurant when a man suddenly storms up to the counter, completely ignores the woman whose order I’m taking, and starts screaming obscenities at me.)

Customer: “All you f***ing losers can go straight to h***!”

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Customer: “Every time I come here, it happens! You always get it wrong! I ordered this burger without tomato, and look at this! There’s a d*** tomato on it!”

(He shoves the burger under my nose. I glance down and see that the burger isn’t ours, but our competitor’s, from across the street.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I think you ordered this at [competitor restaurant] across the way. You need to complain to them.”

Customer: “I know what I’m talking about! I’m not a f***ing r*****!”

(Suddenly, the other customer he cut in front of slaps him on the backside of the head. Note that the other customer is a woman and can’t be more than five feet tall and a hundred pounds.)

Customer: “What the f***?!”

Other Customer: “You deserved that. You’re being stupid. Get the h*** out of here!”

Customer: “You telling me what to do, b****?!”

(She slaps him again, this time on the face.)

Other Customer: “Now, have you learned your lesson?”

Customer: *suddenly meek* “Yes, ma’am.”

Other Customer: “Good. Apologize.”

Customer: “I’m… I’m sorry. I must’ve went to the wrong place.”

(Dazed, the customer wanders out of the restaurant, leaving his burger behind. I gave the woman her meal for free!)

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