Enough To Split Your Sides

| WA, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(A waitress is taking my father-in-law’s order, which comes with a choice of side dish.)

Waitress: “And what would you like, sir?”

Father-In-Law: “Filet mignon, please.”

Waitress: “And how would you like that cooked?”

Father-In-Law: “Medium, please.”

Waitress: “And which side?”

Father-In-Law: “Both.”

Send You Off The Rails

| Nashville, TN, USA | Home Improvement, Liars & Scammers

(I am self-employed in the real estate appraisal business. I have made an FHA appraisal of a home that needs some minor repair. Once the repairs have been made, it will be necessary for me to re-inspect the home to make sure that the repairs have been satisfactorily completed. In this case, I have required that railings be installed around the front porch and stairway because they are several feet above the walkway. Shortly after submitting the appraisal and repair list, I received a call from the seller’s realtor.)

Realtor: “I want to talk to you about the repairs you required. Why do we have to put up stair and porch railings?”

Me: “It’s an FHA requirement. When a home sells with FHA financing, it has to meet minimum safety standards set by FHA.”

Realtor: “Well, I don’t see why they’re necessary. The house already has an FHA loan. Why weren’t the railings required when my client bought the house?”

Me: “I don’t know. Maybe the other appraiser wasn’t paying attention.”

Realtor: “Why can’t you just look the other way?”

Me: “I’m sorry. That’s not the way I do business.”

Realtor: “We’re not going to put up the railings. And that’s that.”

Me: “I understand your frustration, but it seems to be a shame that you’re going to allow this sale to be killed over a few hundred dollars.”

Realtor: *long pause* “Okay, but you can’t charge for the repair inspection.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Realtor: “I mean if we’re going to pay for a repair that’s clearly not necessary, then the least you can do is waive your fee for the repair inspection.”

Me: “Let me call you right back. I’ll have to talk to my supervisor about this. I don’t know what he’ll say.”

Realtor: “Okay. That will be fine.”

(The realtor doesn’t know that I’m self employed. I wait ten minutes and call the realtor back.)

Realtor: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello. I just spoke to my supervisor and he got mad as h***. I argued on your behalf and he finally agreed to a 50 percent discount on the fee. This is the best I can do. He’s really upset with me.”

Realtor: “A 50 percent discount? Okay. That will be fine.”

(The realtor and seller were good to their word and quickly had the railings installed. On the invoice to the mortgage company, I charged full fee, but wrote in blue ink, ‘This fee represents a 50 percent discount.’ I later did several more appraisals for that realtor. He thought he had gotten the best of me!)

Doesn’t Even Know Where To Start(er)

| OH, USA | Extra Stupid, History, Top, Transportation

(I work at an auto parts store in a small town in the Appalachian foothills. I am talking to an elderly customer.)

Customer: “I need a starter for my 1990 Plymouth Acclaim.”

Me: “Alright. There were two different starters used on that car. One was made by Bosch, and the other was made by Mitsubishi. Do you know which one your car has?”

Customer: “No. I don’t. I’ll have to find out.”

Me: “Well, it’s okay. They will both work interchangeably. Just be aware that they do look completely different from each other, The one I sell you might look different, but it will still fit and work fine. It looks like the Mitsubishi starter is less expensive, so I’ll grab that one for you. Okay?”

Customer: “Now hold on a second. I don’t want no Mitsubishi anything! Don’t you know? Japan was against us in World War II!”

Me: “Alright, sir. I’ll get you the German-made Bosch starter.”

Customer: “Now, that’s better!”