Weekly Roundup: Hopelessly Heartless

Not Always Right | Roundups

Hopelessly Heartless! This week’s roundup features customers that are the worst of the worst: uncaring, mean-spirited, and heartless!

  1. Always Right, Even When Shooting Down A Helicopter (4,402 thumbs up)
    Neither helicopter nor heart attack will get in the way of this teed-off golfer’s swing!
  2. Driving Miss Crazy, Part 2 (4,075 thumbs up)
    If a snow storm and a car accident won’t stop this crazy driver, crashing into a police car just might.
  3. Wake Up And Smell The Snooty (2,668 thumbs up)
    Snooty restaurant customers are always right—even when their waiter is having an epileptic seizure!
  4. Got Love In The Bank (3,527 thumbs up)
    Truly heartless: a wife decides to get some banking done while her husband is having a heart attack.
  5. The Show Must Go On (3,209 thumbs up)
    A fellow customer’s heart may have stopped, but there’s no stopping a movie for these selfish theater-goers!

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

Idle Hands Are The Devil’s Dishwasher

| Christchurch, New Zealand | Extra Stupid

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to purchase this dishwasher.”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t actually have any in stock at the moment. It’s about a week’s wait.”

Customer: “That’s not good enough! I NEED ONE TODAY! How am I supposed to do the dishes if I don’t have a dishwasher for a whole week?!”

Are We Human, Or Are We Answers

| Germany | Bizarre

(I’m an online chat agent for a phone company. I help customers choose and order cell phones and plans through online chat.)

Customer: “Do you carry [mobile broadband plan]?”

Me: “Yes, we do! Would you like me to help you choose the right plan for you?”

Customer: “No. You’re automatic s***! I wanted to talk to an actual employee! No way I’m ever using [company] again.”

Me: “I assure you I’m in fact human. Now, do you want to continue?”

Customer: “I don’t believe you. Who’s our finance minister?”

(I tell her the name of Germany’s finance minister.)

Customer: “Oh, sorry, then. I just assumed because you were typing so neatly! Yeah, let’s keep going.”

(I help her figure out what’s the perfect internet plan for her needs. I make sure to do some small talk and deliberately add a typo here or there.)

Customer: “Thanks, that was really helpful! I’ll go buy it at the store, then.”

(I’m bummed because I have spent a lot of time helping her and I was looking forward to my commission. I won’t get this commission if she orders through the store.)

Me: “You’re welcome, but I could give you 25€ off if you order with me. It’s a matter of five minutes, tops.”

Customer: “No, thanks. I want to buy from an actual person, not a computer. Bye!” *hangs up*

Portrait Of A Customer As A Young Man

| Curitiba, Brazil | Language & Words

Me: “Hi, this is [bookstore]. Can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, do you have Ulysses in stock?”

Me: “We have it on paperback and hardcover. Do you want to make a reservation?”

Caller: “What is the author’s name?”

Me: “It’s James Joyce, sir.”

Caller: “J-A-M-E-S-J-O-Y-C-E, 10 letters… thank you! I’m doing some crosswords and I needed the answer to this. Thanks!” *click*

No Returns, Period

| UK | At The Checkout, Health & Body

(Our store has a policy that if an item of lingerie has tags and a receipt, and is in resaleable condition, we will refund it if it is not reduced by 50% or more.)

Customer: “Can I have a refund on this, please?” *puts bag on counter*

Me: “Okay, is it lingerie?”

Customer: *snorts* “Of course it is.”

(I tip out the bag. It contains a single pair of briefs that match a bra we also sell.)

Me: “So, you want to return these briefs? Do you have the receipt?”

Customer: *digs through her purse* “I have it in here somewhere.”

Me: “Um, there’s a… mark… on the inside of these briefs. I don’t think I can return them even with a receipt.”

(Note: There is a large, very obvious blood stain on the inside of the briefs. I cannot return an item in this condition unless it is seriously faulty. I am already feeling concerned that I have handled the item before knowing about the blood stain.)

Customer: “Why not?! They don’t fit! When I bought them, the girl said I could return them with the tags and receipt!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we can only return items in a resaleable condition and these aren’t so.”

Customer: “She said I could return them with tags and a receipt! I have both, so you have to give me a refund!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but there’s a blood stain on these. We can only return items that are faulty or in a resaleable condition. I’m familiar with all our products and I know these aren’t faulty. Because of the stain, we can’t resell them so I can’t process a return either. I’m really sorry.”

Customer: “But she said I could return them with a receipt and tags! I want to speak to a manager!”

Me: “I will get a manager, but it won’t change anything.”

(I go to get our department manager.)

Manager: “I’m sorry, but you can only return items in a resaleable condition. Even if you wanted an exchange, which you don’t, these have a blood stain so I can’t allow you to return them.”

Customer: “BUT THE GIRL SAID I COULD RETURN THEM WITH TAGS AND A RECEIPT, WHICH I HAVE!”

Manager: “If you wanted to return them, you should have tried them on over another pair of pants so they wouldn’t become stained with blood. You have put my staff at risk by trying to return them in this condition, and I am not prepared to even offer you an exchange given the condition you have presented this item in. In the future, please try on briefs when you are not at ‘that time of the month’ and there won’t be a problem.”

Customer: *gives manager a mortified look and scuttles out*

Me: *to my manager* “Thank you!”

Manager: “Go wash your hands. I’m sorry you had to deal with that!”

(I washed my hands about ten times until I felt like I’d taken a full layer of skin off!)

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