Oh, Dear God, It’s Growing Bigger

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Geeks Rule, Rude & Risque

(I am selling t-shirts at Dragon*Con, a very large media/SF convention in Atlanta. One of our most popular shirts is one with, “This is my Boomstick” emblazoned on the front, with an outline of Ash from the Evil Dead movies. As we are very busy, I’m in the habit of glancing at the shirt and asking the customer for the size to make checkout faster.)

Me: “…and what size is your boomstick, sir?”

Customer #1: “Large.”

Me: “I can’t believe I said that. Sorry.”

Customer #1: “Um, okay.”

Customer #2: *hands me money* “Just to let you know, MY boomstick is extra-large!”

Paying Fool Price

| NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Math & Science, Money

Me: “…and your total comes to $10.28.”

Customer: “No, it doesn’t. I bought two shirts.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, but today is a buy 1, get 1 free sale on all women’s apparel.”

Customer: “Is this some sort of scheme? Because I’m not gonna pay unless I pay for both! I ain’t falling for no scheme!”

Me: “Miss, I can assure you that today is a a buy 1, get 1 free sale.”

Customer: *throws down a $20 and a $1 and storms out of the store*

Boss Like A Boss

| Painted Post, NY, USA | Bigotry, Hall of Fame, Top

(I’m working at a well-known family diner. I am one of the gayest men you might ever meet and am serving two elderly ladies.)

Me: “Hello, ladies! It is very nice to meet you. My name is [name]. You ladies look sharp today! What can I get you to drink?”

(I take their drink order, return just moments later, and take their food order. They are acting completely fine, until…)

Customer #1: “Here, honey, this is for you. You look like you need it.”

(She hands me a book on how homosexuality is inappropriate and an abomination. I have faced this before, so to avoid conflict I give them the following response.)

Me: “Oh, great! My girlfriend will love this!”

Customer #2: “Oh, nevermind, honey. You won’t need that, then! You never know where these homos are hiding now a days!”

(I start to tear a little bit. My manager happens to be gay as well and overhears this.)

Manager: “HEY! I do not ever want you to lie to a customer just to avoid a conflict! You are one of my best employees, and I will not have some bigoted customers putting you down. Ma’ams, I would greatly appreciate it if you left my establishment and do not return. If you cannot handle him as a gay man, then you do not deserve him as a straight man!”

Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 6

| San Antonio, TX, USA | Family & Kids

(I’m a lifeguard at a large pool in San Antonio. We don’t allow anyone who can’t swim to jump from the diving boards. This particular day, we have two parties, both 40 people large. A young girl is about to jump off the board and has already been told she cannot be in the pool, due to inappropriate swimwear. Her mother approaches me.)

Mother: “Excuse me, would you mind keeping an eye on my daughter?”

Me: “Don’t worry, ma’am, it’s my job to watch her, but if I remember correctly, your daughter’s already been told not to get in the pool. She’s not wearing a swimsuit.”

Mother: “Oh, don’t worry, she’ll only go off once. Just watch her. She can’t swim.”

(I proceed to blow my whistle and tell the girl to step down. When she walks over, the mother is absolutely livid.)

Me: “Your daughter’s been told already ma’am. She shouldn’t even be in the pool. Besides that, we don’t allow anyone that can’t swim to go off the boards.”

Mother: “Are you f***ing kidding me?! This is f***ing ridiculous! All you have to do is watch my f***ing daughter go off the board and make sure she doesn’t drown. How hard is your godd*** job?! Where’s your manager?!”

(My manager is called over and I explain the situation.)

Manager: *to the mother* “Let me get this straight: you want my guard to be ready to save your daughter, who can’t swim, instead of just now allowing her off the board, like he’s trained to do?”

Mother: *blank stare*

Manager: “Just leave.”

Related:
Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 5
Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 4
Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 3
Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 2
Dim Witted And Off The Deep End

Scan-dalous

| Kerang, Victoria, Australia | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque

(I’m working a cash register at a supermarket.)

Me: “G’day, how’s it going?”

Customer: “Yeah, pretty good, thanks.”

(I begin to scan her items.)

Me: “So do you have any plans for the rest of your day?”

Customer: “Yeah, I hope to get laid for the first time in three years!”

(I look over to see she had amongst her groceries: several punnets of strawberries, dipping chocolate, oysters, condoms, and personal lubricant.)

Customer: *beaming*

(I return to scanning her items in silence. She pays and gathers her items.)

Me: “Have a great night.”

Customer: “Oh, believe me, I will!”

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