Careless Carers

| MI, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal & Illegal, Family & Kids, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I work in a large retail center, and we are highly understaffed. I work in the outdoor department, and stop to help a caretaker with a child; they’re looking for a baseball glove.)

Me: “Hello, do you need some help?”

Caretaker: “I’m just trying to get this d*** kid to wear this glove.”

Me: “…Excuse me?!”

Caretaker: “Yeah, I work as this brat’s caretaker, and he won’t put his hands in the glove.”

(I lean down to help the child, speaking softly and quietly, as he seems frightened. This only seems to enrage the caretaker further.)

Caretaker: “How dare you, b****… talking s*** to him about me?! You’re a d*** stupid loser and that’s why you work here!”

Me: “Pardon me, ma’am, I wasn’t talking about you. And please, don’t call me stupid; you do not know me.”

Caretaker: “Why do you work here if you’re not an idiot?”

Me: “I’m still working on my RN, so I can be more than a caretaker with a nasty attitude.”

(The caretaker walks away, still cussing at the child. I call security and ask them to follow her and be sure she doesn’t hurt the boy. Meanwhile, I am called up front to work on the register. Of course, the same caretaker is in line.)

Caretaker: “Hurry it up, b****! I spend my hard earned money on these groceries. Don’t waste my time.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am… your total is $100.67.”

Caretaker: “Here. Use my food stamps.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am.”

Caretaker: “Unless you’re too f***ing dumb to know how to do that.”

(I finish ringing her up, but before she pushes her cart away, two sheriffs walk up and place handcuffs on her. Unbeknownst to me, she had, in fact, struck the child after I dealt with her the first time.)

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The True Justice League

| Queens, NY, USA | Geeks Rule, Top

(A cop comes in, in uniform and out of breath.)

Cop: “Batman.”

Employee: “Sorry?”

Cop: “Batman. Mask. Where can I find one?”

Employee: “Uh, we’ve got a selection of—”

(The cop grabs a mask, shoves a stack of money into the employee’s hand, and runs out.)

Employee: “What the f*** just happened?”

(I’m wondering the same thing, so I take off after the cop, only to find a second cop waiting for him.)

Second Cop: “You find one?”

Bat Cop: *puts on the mask* “Yeah. Think it’ll work?”

Second Cop: “It’s worth a shot…”

(They walk around the corner, so I follow to find a drunk man clinging to a second-story window dressed as Spider Man.)

Drunk Spidey: “Y’all just fake cops. Gonna be the Joker or some s*** behind that badge!”

Bat Cop: *in a deep voice* “Spiderman. Come on down. We have work to do.”

Drunk Spidey: *after a long pause* “We do?”

Bat Cop: “The city is in danger. I need your help.”

(Slowly, the drunk man climbs down until he’s hanging from the bars of the window. One of the cops has found a stepladder and they manage to cajole him into climbing down. It looks like they’re going to let him go until…)

Drunk Spidey: “Yo, Batman! Is there such thing as, like, bat-heroin? Cause I used all my spider heroin!”

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Inaction Figures

| Long Island, NY, USA | Holidays, Theme Of The Month, Top

(It is Black Friday. I’m shopping in the toy department of a store, taking a picture of an action figure that I plan on buying for a friend’s nephew. As I want to make sure the boy doesn’t have it already, I am sending the picture to my friend to check. I do not, nor have ever worked there.)

Woman #1: *talking loudly* “It’s so busy here today! Sure would be nice if I could figure out where the Avengers figures are!”

Woman #2: “Tell me about it; I can’t find anything!”

(I write them off as overly loud and ignore them while I wait for my friend to text me back.)

Woman #1: “You know, where I work we’re not allowed to even look at our cellphones, let alone talk on one.”

Woman #2: “You’d get fired at my job for using my phone.”

Woman #1: “It’s amazing the things people think they can do on the job these days. It’s ridiculous!”

Woman #2: “I know! They think they can pretend like they’re home and get paid for it.”

(They carry on like this while I wait. Finally, I get a reply text from my friend, grab the toy and walk off. About a minute later I look down, realize I am wearing a red fleece which the same shade as the staff uniforms, and suddenly everything clicks. They were passive-aggressively trying to get my attention for the better part of five minutes. By the way, if they had turned around they would have found what they were looking for!)

Marriage Has Grey Areas

| London, England, UK | Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners

(I’m at a bookstore, witnessing an exchange taking place between an employee and a middle-aged male customer.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you know where your copies of 50 Shades of Grey are?”

Employee: “Sure, they’re over there.”

(The customer walks over to the indicated shelf and picks up a copy.)

Customer: “Right, anniversary present… sorted!”

Intelligence Abhors A Vacuum, Part 2

| Minneapolis, MA, USA | Extra Stupid

(I work for a very well-known vacuum cleaner company. As part of our service, we repair and tune up vacuums for our customers. A couple comes in to get their vacuum back from being tuned up.)

Me: “Here’s your vacuum, folks!”

(The vacuum has a check-in sheet with the customer’s name, address, phone number and a description of the vacuum attached to it.)

Wife: “That’s not our vacuum!”

Me: “Okay, what makes you say that?”

Wife: “It’s the wrong color!”

Me: “Okay, what color was it?”

Husband: “Kind of an off-white.”

(This vacuum is white. It is very common for tuned up vacuums to be returned looking lighter in color than upon drop-off because they often come to us filthy and the cleaner we use is highly effective.)

Me: “So it appears to match the description on the sheet.”

Wife: “I don’t care what your paperwork says! I know what I know! You’re incompetent! Either that or your took our vacuum and sold it!”

(I spend the next hour calmly explaining to the customers that this is, in fact, their machine. The wife keeps insisting it’s not, that I’m a liar and/or some combination of idiot/thief and that we are incompetent. An hour late, this conversation finally stops chasing itself amid threats of litigation and promises to never come back to our store. I wind up comping them $30 in replacement parts even though I know for a fact they have the right vacuum.)

Old lady customer: “We’re going to the [location in St Paul that closed two years earlier] from now on!”

(Three hours later, the phone rings. It is the husband.)

Husband:“Turns out you were right. We looked at our purchase receipt and the serial number matches the one on the vacuum you gave us. Who do I make the check for the repairs out to?”

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Intelligence Abhors A Vacuum

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