Fortunately For Us Both, I Like Crazy

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Awesome Customers, Geeks Rule, Rude & Risque, Top

(I work in the “exotic phone call” industry. Most customers know they’re paying a lot of money for the call, so they don’t play games. But, every once in awhile, I get calls that even I find strange.)

Caller: “Oooh, hey, what’s your name?”

Me: “You can just call me ‘Candy.'”

Caller: “Oh, no, I’m diabetic. Can I call you something else?”

Me: “Well, my special callers call me ‘Silk,’ because I’m so smooth.”

Caller: “Hmm, no. I don’t like silk… or satin.”

Me: “Well, how ’bout this? What do you wanna call me?”

Caller: “Err… Cortana? Like, from Halo?”

Me: “Really? I LOVE Halo!”

(In the end, this caller and I talked about the Halo franchise for roughly three hours without discussing anything even remotely dirty. It was the most enjoyable call I’d taken all month. To show my appreciation for the conversation, I took 50% off of his bill.)

That Almost Became A Four-Finger Discount

| Florida, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I’m working the checkout during one of our biggest sales events. Despite the long line of customers, everyone seems to be happy and everything is going well. Then, a woman with a rather sour look on her face flings her items onto my counter.)

Customer: “I can’t believe how rude you are. How DARE they hire you for a customer service position!”

Me: *startled* “I’m sorry, ma’am, but what exactly is it that I did?”

Customer: “The man you just checked out cut the entire line! I’ve been waiting patiently in your f***ing for over five minutes and you decide to help the a**hole who doesn’t want to wait like the rest of us!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I agree that it was rude of him, but I didn’t realize that he cut in front of you as well as everyone else.”

(Despite my apologies, she continues to scold me loud enough that my manager hears, walks over, and stands behind her. I’m placing her cash in the register when suddenly she lunges over the counter and reaches for the cash drawer. I quickly slam the door shut, accidentally pinching her fingers in the process. She yelps as she’s holding onto her hand, screaming for a manager.)

Manager: “Yes, I’m the manager. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, you can fire that b**** of an employee you have there. She has been nothing but rude to me since I got here, and she just now assaulted me! I also demand that she apologize to me!”

Manager: “Well, yes, I do agree that an apology is in order. Ma’am, I am sorry that you hurt yourself while attempting to steal the money from her cash drawer. ”

Customer: “Excuse me?!”

Manager: “With all due respect, ma’am, not only was I standing behind you when it happened, I also have you on camera reaching over and trying to steal money from the cash register, so there is no use denying it. So, before I escort you to my office and call the police, I’d honestly like to know why you tried to take money out of the cash register.”

Customer: “Well, with everything that’s happened here today, I felt that I should be compensated. I figured I should get my stuff for free, as well as a little extra back for my troubles!”

Some Customers Can’t Be Helped

| PA, USA | Bizarre

(I’m sorting out sizes in a rack of shirts that just gone clearance. I notice a customer that appears to be having difficulty finding what they’re looking for.)

Me: “Sir, I just want you to know that the extra smalls, smalls, and mediums are all in the labelled sections. However, I’m still in the process of sorting through the larges and extra larges. Let me know if you need help finding anything.”

(The customer randomly takes a bunch of mediums and throws them in the small section.)

Customer: “I don’t need your f***ing help!”

Me: “I apologize if I offended you sir, but it’s my job to offer assistance.”

Customer: “WELL, THEN YOU’RE NOT DOING YOUR F***ING JOB!”

Well, That Narrows It Down, Part 3

| Phoenix, AZ, USA | Extra Stupid, Health & Body

(While checking in on a patient…)

Me: “Do you know the name of your primary care doctor?”

Patient: “Oh, I don’t remember that.”

Me: “Do you remember anything about them? The name of the practice, or what street it’s on?”

Patient: “It’s either a man or a woman.”

Me: “I see…”

Related:
Well, That Narrows It Down, Part 2
Well, That Narrows It Down

He’s A Hair Too Sensitive

| USA | Family & Kids, Top

(I am picking up my 4-year-old cousin from daycare. I see a man dragging his daughter behind him; he walks straight to an employee.)

Father: “I demand to know who was with my daughter earlier!”

Employee: “Sir, what is the problem?”

Daughter: “Daddy, nothing was wrong. She just didn’t know.”

Father: “No! That lady was rude.”

Employee: “Sir? What lady?”

Father: “My daughter drew a picture of her family, wrote ‘dad’ above a long haired figure and ‘mom’ above a short haired figure. And that rude lady said she must have it backwards.”

Employee: “Oh, that. It was just a plain misunderstanding. Pamela saw it and went, ‘Did you write mom and dad on the wrong people?’ Your daughter explained that you did have long hair and mom had short hair. And she was like, ‘Oh,’ but she wasn’t in any way rude.”

Father: “That’s IT! Your employee assumed that was an error. What is the matter with long haired men and short haired women?”

Employee: “Sir, nothing is wrong. It was simply a misunderstanding and Pamela meant no harm by it. I can ask her to come out here right now.”

Father: “Forget it! We’re leaving and not ever coming back. Let’s go!”

Daughter: “Daddy, you’re being rude!” *to employee* “Sorry!”

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