These Customers Are Mostly Harmless

| Western Australia, Australia | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Geeks Rule

Me: “Good evening, welcome to [pizza store]. How can I help you this evening?”

Customer: “Just a Meat Lover’s on the regular base, thanks.”

Me: “Not a problem. It should be ready in ten to fifteen minutes. Can I just have a name for the order?”

Customer: *politely* “No.”

Me: “…Sorry?”

Customer: “It doesn’t matter, does it?”

(The customer’s friend looks a bit annoyed at the customer, like he’s done this before, but doesn’t offer a name either.)

Me: “Well, it’s busy tonight and I may not be the one giving out the pizza, so if there isn’t a name they may not know whose pizza it is.”

Customer: “I just don’t want my name on the computer.”

Me: “Well, I could put a fake name down instead?”

Customer: *rolls his eyes, and then replies* “Fine, just put down Slartibartfast.

Me: “…Slartibartfast?”

Customer: “I told you it didn’t matter!”

(He then walks off before I can reply to his name; I’m a huge fan of Douglas Adams myself. When his pizza comes out, I call out his name.)

Me: “Slartibartfast and the hoopy frood Zaphod Beeblebrox?”

(Both men laugh as they collect the pizza. The next time they came back, it was a pizza for Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect!)

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Makes You Want To Dye A Little, Part 4

| Greeley, CO, USA | Bizarre

(I am known at my job for having interesting colored hair. I had it purple for about two months before I changed it to black with purple streaks. It is now a lot more subtle, and I really like it.)

Customer: “What did you do to your hair!?”

Me: “I dyed it.”

Customer: “No, you ruined it! I come in here all the time and I loved to look over and see your funky hair! It made me long for my wild days when I used to do crank. You just ruined my life!”

(I am speechless, and trying to ring her up as quick as possible. At this point, my wonderful manager comes over.)

Customer: “Do you have kids?!”

Me: “Uh… no.”

Manager: “I do.”

Customer: *to my manager* “You lie to your kids! Santa isn’t real! My kids knew the truth! There is only Jesus! And drugs aren’t bad! You lie to kids!”

(She grabs her things and leaves in a huff.)

Me: *to my manager* “What the h*** was that?!”

Related:
Makes You Want To Dye A Little, Part 3
Makes You Want To Dye A Little, Part 2
Makes You Want To Dye A Little

Tall Tail Tales

| BC, Canada | Pets & Animals

(I am working in the lobby of a large museum. We have a whale skeleton hanging from the ceiling. On a different floor, there is a limited time exhibit on dinosaurs.)

Woman: *points to large hanging skeleton* “Excuse me, what kind of animal is that?”

Me: “That’s a whale. It’s one of our prize—”

Woman: “That can’t be a whale! It has a tail!”

Me: “Um, I can assure you it’s a whale. Whales have tails.”

Woman: “Oh, I see. It’s like one of those weird prehistoric shark things?”

Me: “Well, actually this is an average modern-day whale—”

Woman: “But this is the dinosaur museum! And it’s got a tail!”

Me: “Actually, the dinosaur exhibit’s right upstairs.”

Woman: “Great! Maybe someone up there will be able to tell me what this is.”

Me: “It’s a whale.”

Woman: “It has a tail!”

H2-Woah, Part 2

| London, UK | Bizarre, Money

Me: “Hey, what can I get you?”

Customer: “I would like two bottles of water, please.”

(I give the water to the customer.)

Me: “That’s £5 please.”

Customer: “Excuse me? How much?”

Me: “£2.50 each, so £5.”

Customer: “That’s disgusting. How do you get away with charging that much for water? I am only willing to pay 50p for both as it’s only bottled tap water.”

Me: “It’s not tap water; it’s mineral water. Tap water is free if you want it.”

(The customer hands me £10.)

Customer: “I expect £9.50 change as I’m not paying that much.”

(I hand the customer £5 change.)

Me: “No, it’s £5 change.”

Customer: “I’m just f***ing with you. You’re just so beautiful I thought you deserved some abuse!”

Related:
H2-Woah

A Cold Replay Post Coldplay

| TX, USA | Musical Mayhem, Rude & Risque

(We’re at a party during a large music festival. Drinks are free, and there are a number of other activities at the event. We’re standing in line for the video photo booth. The employee operating the booth overhears our conversation.)

Me: “I pity whoever has to review all of these drunken videos.”

Employee: “That would be me.”

Me: “Oh… they make you look through every one of them?”

Employee: “Yeah, I’ve seen so many bare breasts.”

Me: “They flash the camera? Don’t they have to sign away their rights to the footage?”

Employee: “Yeah, but here’s the thing you have to know about drunk girls at a music festival: They aren’t very smart.”

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