We Know Her Type

| Finland | Extra Stupid, Technology

(A customer had spilled beer on her old laptop and wants a cost-effective way of making it usable again. The spare keyboard is too expensive. We end up disconnecting the internal keyboard because its stuck keys prevent the machine from booting. She was fine with the idea of using an external keyboard from now on. The customer returned the next day, slamming the laptop on the counter.)

Customer: “The keyboard doesn’t work! I was here just yesterday and you said you fixed it!”

Me: “Yes. We ‘fixed’ it by disconnecting the keyboard, because you didn’t want to order a new one.”

Customer: “But it doesn’t work!”

Me: “It does not work because you agreed to disconnecting it. You specifically asked if anything could be done instead of ordering a new spare keyboard, which is more expensive than the machine’s current worth.”

Customer: “You didn’t repair it!”

Me: “You didn’t want the new keyboard. The old one was beyond repair. There’s nothing else I could do about it.”

Customer: “But I paid money for it!”

Me: “You paid us for opening the laptop and disconnecting the cable. Many budget laptops, such as this one, are really time-consuming to disassemble because they use plastic clips instead of screws. We charged you for 30 minutes of service time.”

Customer: “But the keys no longer do anything!”

Me: “…”

His Table Lawsuit Won’t Have A Leg To Stand On

| Baton Rouge, LA, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Home Improvement, Theme Of The Month

(My family is out to dinner at a Chinese buffet. My boss texts me from the furniture store where I work. I’m known for getting the problem customers.)

Boss: “You’re not allowed to sell to psychos anymore!”

Me: “But they’re my best business! But, seriously. What happened?”

(My boss proceeds to tell me about a customer that already harassed me three times the day before, as well as the customer service line several times, and tried to prevent our drivers from leaving his home after his delivery. His complaint was that his table was the wrong shade of brown.)

Boss: “He sent me an email complaining that he’s talking to highly educated people about suing us.”

Me: “Ha! His lawyer can call my lawyer! I’ll sue for harassment.”

(I happen to open my fortune cookie at this point and start laughing. I send my boss a picture. The fortune reads ‘A judgment will rule in your favor.’)

Me: “Fortune cookie says we can take him!”

Mom Is Breaking Bad Habits

| Australia | At The Checkout, Criminal & Illegal, Family & Kids, Health & Body

(I am serving a customer who is purchasing over $600 worth of clothing and accessories for her son’s upcoming 21st birthday, as well as making an exchange on his behalf.)

Me: “Okay. Was there anything else before I process the exchange?”

Customer: “No. Here you go!”

(She hands me the bag with the original item. As I remove it from the bag, an obviously used meth pipe falls onto the counter.)

Me: *in disbelief* “Um…”

Customer: “Oh, my God! What is that?”

Me: “Um, it’s a pipe…”

Customer: “A pipe? Like a smoking pipe? What is it for?”

Me: *I pause, unsure of how to break it to her*

Customer: “Is it for marijuana?!”

(By now she is already visibly flustered, looking incredibly angry, and, most of all, mortified. I decide not to tell her what it really is, in fear of her having a heart attack in front of me.)

Me: “Yeah. It’s for marijuana.”

Customer: “I’m going to kill him! What else is he doing? Oh, my God. I’m so embarrassed!”

Me: “He’s obviously got a lot of explaining to do?”

Customer: “I’ll have to confront him about this. Who knows if he’ll be getting anything at all for his birthday?!”

(To my surprise, she actually still purchased everything. I do wonder if her son confessed to what he was actually smoking!)