Tall Tail Tales

| BC, Canada | Pets & Animals

(I am working in the lobby of a large museum. We have a whale skeleton hanging from the ceiling. On a different floor, there is a limited time exhibit on dinosaurs.)

Woman: *points to large hanging skeleton* “Excuse me, what kind of animal is that?”

Me: “That’s a whale. It’s one of our prize—”

Woman: “That can’t be a whale! It has a tail!”

Me: “Um, I can assure you it’s a whale. Whales have tails.”

Woman: “Oh, I see. It’s like one of those weird prehistoric shark things?”

Me: “Well, actually this is an average modern-day whale—”

Woman: “But this is the dinosaur museum! And it’s got a tail!”

Me: “Actually, the dinosaur exhibit’s right upstairs.”

Woman: “Great! Maybe someone up there will be able to tell me what this is.”

Me: “It’s a whale.”

Woman: “It has a tail!”

H2-Woah, Part 2

| London, UK | Bizarre, Money

Me: “Hey, what can I get you?”

Customer: “I would like two bottles of water, please.”

(I give the water to the customer.)

Me: “That’s £5 please.”

Customer: “Excuse me? How much?”

Me: “£2.50 each, so £5.”

Customer: “That’s disgusting. How do you get away with charging that much for water? I am only willing to pay 50p for both as it’s only bottled tap water.”

Me: “It’s not tap water; it’s mineral water. Tap water is free if you want it.”

(The customer hands me £10.)

Customer: “I expect £9.50 change as I’m not paying that much.”

(I hand the customer £5 change.)

Me: “No, it’s £5 change.”

Customer: “I’m just f***ing with you. You’re just so beautiful I thought you deserved some abuse!”

Related:
H2-Woah

A Cold Replay Post Coldplay

| TX, USA | Musical Mayhem, Rude & Risque

(We’re at a party during a large music festival. Drinks are free, and there are a number of other activities at the event. We’re standing in line for the video photo booth. The employee operating the booth overhears our conversation.)

Me: “I pity whoever has to review all of these drunken videos.”

Employee: “That would be me.”

Me: “Oh… they make you look through every one of them?”

Employee: “Yeah, I’ve seen so many bare breasts.”

Me: “They flash the camera? Don’t they have to sign away their rights to the footage?”

Employee: “Yeah, but here’s the thing you have to know about drunk girls at a music festival: They aren’t very smart.”

A Borderline Liar

| CA, USA | Liars & Scammers

(A customer is paying with her credit card.)

Me: “I just need to see your card and ID.”

(She hands me her YMCA card.)

Me: “No, I’m sorry. I need a valid ID.”

Customer: “That is a valid ID.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I need either a state issued ID or a military ID.”

(She looks through her wallet but can’t find her ID.)

Me: “I’m sorry, did you want to use another form of payment?”

Customer: “No, this is ridiculous. I use this card everywhere I go for identification. I’ve even passed through immigration with this.”

Me: “Really? With your YMCA card?”

Customer: “Yes! At the airport, all you need is an ID with a picture on it.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry ma’am, I guess we are just not as lenient as Homeland Security.”

Height Trumps Hate

| San Diego, CA, USA | Awesome Customers, Bigotry, Family & Kids, Military, Rude & Risque, Top

(My younger brother has come to town to visit me. I take him to the bar I work at for a few drinks and to meet my friends there. A regular customer who has been hitting on me for months comes in and sees us sitting together in one of the booths.)

Customer: *tries to look down my shirt* “Huh, and I thought after all this time you were a f***ing lesbian. Or is this f** your beard?”

Me: “I’m not working tonight. Go bother someone else.”

(The customer slides into the booth next to me, and tries to put his arm around my shoulders.)

Customer: “Why don’t you send your f** boyfriend off to get some beer and we can have a nice talk?”

(Note that my brother has been sitting slouched in the booth, concealing his size.)

Brother: “Why don’t you take your hands off of her and f*** off?”

(The customer springs out of the booth and stands near my brother in a really stupid looking ‘karate’ pose.)

Customer: “Why don’t you make me, you f***ing f**?! Huh?! Why don’t you make me?”

Brother: “Okay…”

(As he starts to slowly get out of the booth, the customer realizes his mistake. The customer is maybe 5’8″, while my brother looms over a foot taller than him at 6’9″. My brother grabs him by collar and belt and throws him out.)

Brother: “And it’s Sergeant, not f**, if you don’t mind!”

(I love my little brother.)

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