How To Keep Your Online Devices In Line, Part 2

| Oak Ridge, TN, USA | Bizarre, Technology

Caller: “Yes, I would like you to send me a new modem. This one you sent me is possessed.”

Me: “…Possessed, ma’am? What makes you say that?”

Caller: “I turn the lights out, and the beast stares at me with the eyes of Lucifer!”

(The modem she is using has two lights on the front. When the modem is powered on but not connected to anything, the lights blink red.)

Me: “Does the modem ever seem to calm down at all, ma’am? Or is it always angry?”

Caller: “It only gets angry when I unplug it at night, but I have to unplug it so it doesn’t bring other demons! I can’t leave it connected when I’m not watching it!”

(I spent a good 15 minutes with this lady, who was always very kind, explaining that the lights were only status indicators. She insisted the modem was possessed, and I eventually sent her a new modem with blue lights instead.)

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How To Keep Your Online Devices In Line

Of Mice And Mental Regrets

| Georgia, USA | Pets & Animals, Top

(I’m helping a customer in the small animals area at our pet store.)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like some feeder animals for my snake.”

Me: “Certainly. Would you like mice or rats?”

Customer: “I’m not sure.”

Me: “Well, how big is your snake?”

Customer: *holds hands a good distance apart* “He’s a ball python… pretty big.”

Me: “Okay, so maybe a rat…”

(I show him to our rats. Note that we have small and medium rats in different cages.)

Customer: “Why are the ones on the bottom more expensive?”

Me: “They’re just bigger than the ones on top.”

Customer: “How long until they get that big?”

Me: “I’m not sure. They’re at least a few months old when we get them.”

Customer: “No, how long does it take them to grow from those?” *points to the mice*

Me: “You mean the mice?”

Customer: “Yeah, how long does it take them to grow into these guys?” *points back to the rats* “Like, what’s the difference between the rats and the mice?”

Me: “Um, they don’t grow into rats. They’re two different species.”

Customer: “So these guys aren’t big mice?”

Me: “No, they’re rats.”

Customer: “Oh… well, I feel like an idiot.”

Me: *laughs* “It’s okay. It’s an easy mistake to make.’

Customer: “…I worked at a pet store for three years.”

Recaf My Decaf

| Texas, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

Me: “Thanks for calling [pizza delivery]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I’d like to speak to your manager on duty.”

Me: “That would be me. What can I do for you?”

Caller: “I had placed an order with you earlier, and got [caffeinated soft drink] and [non-caffeinated soft drink]. I opened [non-caffeinated soft drink] and it tasted funny and raised my blood pressure. You must have tampered with it and added caffeine. I’d like a replacement.”

Me: “I can assure you that your drink wasn’t tampered with. It’s in sealed bottle from the manufacturer. But, what would you like instead?”

Caller: “I’d like another drink.”

(I list the four drinks we carry, three of which have caffeine.)

Caller: “I’d like a [another caffeinated soft drink].”

Me: “So, you’re going to replace [non-caffeinated soft drink] that was supposedly tampered with and had caffeine added for a drink that is guaranteed to have caffeine?”

Caller: “You got it!”

Me: *sighs* “It’ll be the in about thirty minutes, sir. Have a nice day…”

Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Bequeather

| Sydney, Australia | Awesome Customers, Time, Top

(Most customers at the café where I work are regulars, including an older couple who comes in every Saturday. The wife is slightly disabled and has a mild facial disfigurement. She has previously complimented me on a certain necklace I wear. Today, I’m not exactly in a good place. While I am washing up, she comes to the side of the shop and calls me.)

Wife: “I want to see you when you get a moment!”

(When I go to clean the tables, I walk over to her table.)

Me: “You wanted to show me something?”

(The wife hands me a small bag. Inside is an assortment of beautiful gold jewellery with sparkling stones.)

Me: “Oh, they’re so beautiful! Thank you for showing me these!”

Wife: “Keep them.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Wife: “I bought them for you.”

Me: “For me? Are you sure?”

Wife: “Yes, I ordered them for you. Do you like them?”

Me: “Of course I do… thank you. I’m very touched.”

Wife: “It’s alright, darling. You’re a beautiful girl, and I want to help you if you need it!”

(It’s moments like these that remind me there’s still good in the world.)

With All Douche Respect

| Kansas City, MO, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Money, Top

(Note: I am working the express lane in a large department store. Note that we also have a bank branch located inside our store, although this is not where I work.)

Customer #1: “Give me that ten back in a roll of quarters.”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t have enough quarters, and even if I did, I’m not allowed to sell rolls of quarters.”

Customer #1: “Are you kidding me? Is that from you, or your manager?”

Cashier: “That’s store policy.”

Customer #1: “That’s f***ing stupid. I’ve been a customer at this store for 27 god*** years and I’ve never had this problem!”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, sir. I really can’t do that.”

Customer #1: “Let me talk to your manager, then, because this is f***ing ridicu—”

(Fed up, another customer who has been waiting behind Customer #1 interrupts him.)

Customer #2: “Would you stop being such a colossal douche? She says she can’t, and she says it’s policy. It’s not going to change just because you yell at her. If you want to see a manager, go find one and leave her alone. Besides, there’s a BANK fifty feet away from you. Get out of this line! The rest of us have lives!”

Customer #1: “Listen, lady… stop calling me a douche—”

Customer #2: “THEN STOP BEING A DOUCHE!”

Customer #1: *leaves*

Customer #2: *to the cashier* “Sorry, people are douches!”

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