And The Children Shall (Eat) Lead

| Scotland, UK | Family & Kids, Health & Body, Top

(We stock painted mediaeval knight figurines. However, they have removable weapons and are painted with lead paint, so they’re all kept on a high shelf out of the reach of children. Just to be safe, there are signs next to the figures stating that they are not safe for children. One day, I see a small boy gnawing on a William Wallace figure’s head, so I rush over and snatch it off him.)

Mother: “How dare you! That was very rude!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am. It’s just that this is not a toy, and is painted with lead paint. It’s not safe for him to be playing with, and definitely not safe to chew.”

Mother: “What?! It shouldn’t have been within his reach! What kind of death-trap store is this?!”

Me: “I’m so, so sorry, ma’am. Another customer must have moved it. I ought to have spotted it sooner. ”

(I’m feeling guilty, until the kid pipes up.)

Kid: “Mommy, I was quiet! You said I could have it if I was quiet!”

Me: “Ma’am, you didn’t give this to your child, did you?”

Mother: “How was I supposed to know it was dangerous?”

Me: “Ma’am, there are distinct signs all around the figurines.” *I point to the four signs posted around the figures* “Also, they’re kept well out of the reach of children for exactly that reason.”

Mother: “I don’t have time to read f***ing signs! They shouldn’t have been in my reach either!”

Me: “I agree completely, ma’am.”

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A Pricing One-Eighty On His 360

| OH, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Money

(I am ringing up a customer purchasing a mildly anticipated videogame.)

Me: “Before I start ringing these up, would you happen to have your [store name] rewards card with you?”

Customer: “No, I don’t even have one! Those are just a way for you to get more money out of me!”

Me: “Actually, we offer the basic version for free. If you would like to sign up now all you have to do is—”

Customer: “I said no, godd*** it!”

Me: “Alright, sir. No problem. I’ll just ring these up then.”

(The customer is buying a used Xbox 360, and five or so games. It takes me a few minutes to grab the Xbox and games from the back, as the ones on display are empty to prevent theft.)

Me: “Okay, would you like to put $10 down on a pre-order for any games?”

Customer: “No! Just hurry it up!”

Me: “Alright your total is $210.67.”

Customer: “I told you earlier I only wanted to spend $200 on this.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. You will have to put one of these games back or trade one for a cheaper one. The used versions are always cheaper and work just as well as the new ones.”

Customer: “No, you don’t understand! I want to spend $200 on this stuff.”

(This goes on for a few minute, until he finally decides to exchange one of the games for a cheaper one.)

Me: “Alright your total is $183.43.”

Customer: “Are you stupid?! I only want to spend $200!”

Me: *gives up* “Okay, your total is now $200 dollars.”

Customer: “Finally!”

(He hands me the money, grabs his items, and leaves without his receipt. I felt it would be wrong to keep the money, so I gave about half off the price for the next nice customer.)

Riding In On Blazing Saddles

| Marlborough, MA, USA | Money, Movies & TV

(A man comes into my store looking a bit irate. He pulls out an unwrapped DVD case of Mel Brooks’ “History of the World, Part I.”)

Customer: “I’d like to return this and get my money back!”

Me: “Was there something wrong with it?”

Customer: “I opened it up and there was no disc inside!”

(I open the DVD case to indeed find no disc inside.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t refund your money. This is something you’d need to take up with the manufacturer. This does happen rarely, but I can help get the contact info for the manufacturer if you’d like.”

Customer: “What!? Are you serious!? I want to talk to a manager!”

(My manager comes over and explains the same thing to him, how it’s outside of our policy to refund an item if there is no item to refund. The customer finally accepts this, but is livid.)

Customer: “Fine! Well, do you have History of the World, Part II then?”

Me: “Um… sir, that movie doesn’t exist.”

Customer: “Yes it does! I saw it once!”

Manager: “No, sir. There is a fake trailer at the end of History of the World, Part I. The one with Hitler ice skating.”

Customer: “Yeah! That’s the one! Where is it!?”

Manager: “Sir, like we already told you, it was fake. There is no History of the World, Part II.”

Customer: *storms out*

He Has Been Governated

| USA | School, Top

(We are having a political event at our school, and many politicians are attending, including the Governor of the state. There is a free lunch, but we get less than half the people we expect, so we start giving lunch to random people who happen to be walking by.)

Student: *cuts in line*

Man behind him: “Excuse me, you cut the line.”

Student: “Do you know who I am?”

(I don’t know who the student is, but I do know who the man behind him is, so I’m concealing my laughter.)

Man behind him: “No, but I’m not allowed to cut the line either and I doubt you’re allowed to.”

Student: “Excuse me? Who do you think you are?”

Man behind him: “The Governor. And you are?”

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The Sound Of One Idiot (And) Clapping

| Manchester, England, UK | Awesome Customers, Top

(The customer at the front of the queue is talking loudly on their phone, and ignores me when I ask what they want. I decide to ask the person behind them for their order.)

Customer #1: “Excuse me! I’m at the front. You serve me before him!”

Me: I’m very sorry, sir. You were on your phone. What can I get you?”

Customer #1: “Jesus! Stop interrupting me, can’t you see I’m talking to someone?” *continues conversation*

Customer #2: *quietly, to me* “Follow my lead.” *then, very clearly, at normal speaking volume* “Clap once if you can hear me.”

(Claps.)

Customer #2: “Clap twice if you can hear me.”

(Claps twice, with me and the person behind him joining in.)

Customer #2: “Clap three times if you can hear me.”

(Three claps, more of the queue and the people sat at a nearby table have joined in – most of the other people in the shop have stopped talking to see what the clapping is about.)

Customer #2: “Clap four times if you can hear me.”

(Most of the people in the shop clap along with him, with the person on the phone struggling to hear what’s being said by their friend.)

Customer #2: “Clap five times if you can hear me.”

(Everyone claps, and Customer #1 hangs up, looking angry.)

Customer #1: “How dare you interr—”

Customer #2: “Clap six times if you can hear me.”

(Everyone, except the now fuming phone guy, claps.)

Customer #2: “Oh, good. You seem to have finished your call. Why don’t you place your order now?”

(Customer #1 stutters for a few seconds, then storms out, mashing at his phone.)

Customer #2: “Oh, well. That was fun.”

(He got his drink for free, and now we always use that to shut up customers on their phones!)

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