Where There Are Smokers, There Is Fire

| IL, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Extra Stupid

(I am the manager of a store that sells hookahs, among many other things. Since there are very strict laws in the area I tend to cut people off before incriminating themselves too much. The phone rings and I answer.)

Me: “[Store Name]. This is [Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi. You guys sell hookahs? I want to know how these things work. I need to know what order to put things in. I’ve got the coal ready. I put that in the bowl on top, then the tobacco and weed right?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t sell hookahs for anything illegal. Just tobacco.”

Caller: “Oh right… Where do I put the tobacco then?”

Me: *sighs* “The tobacco goes in the bowl, then either a screen or tin foil with some holes on top of the bowl, and the lit coal on top.”

Caller: “Oh… I would have burned my house down again! Thanks!” *hangs up*

Me: “Again?”

Doesn’t Seem To Get The Concept(ion)

| Denison, TX, USA | Health & Body, Religion

(I do the marketing and advertising for an OB/GYN. I overhear an interesting exchange.)

Doctor: “You’re pregnant and you have an STD. You must have had some kind of sex to get pregnant.”

Patient: “Well, Mary didn’t!”

Makes You Want To Hit The Bottle

| CT, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Theme Of The Month

(I am bagging groceries for an elderly woman.)

Customer: “Now, don’t forget to pack those bags light, young man. I can’t carry like I used to.”

Me: “Of course, ma’am. No problem.”

(I have packed all her groceries in plastic bags, handing her each one over the counter.)

Customer: “Young man! This bag is way too heavy! Please repack this.”

(I look inside. There is a single two-liter bottle of soda in there.)

Me: “Um, ma’am, I can’t split a bottle of—”

Customer: “Just do it!”

(I shrug, take the bottle out of the plastic bag, put it in another identical plastic bag, and hand it back to her.)

Customer: “Ah, see? That’s much better. Why couldn’t you do that the first time?”