Blood Money

, | Texas, USA | Health & Body

(A caller is on the phone applying for a loan. We get to the part with his income.)

Me: “Okay, where are you employed?”

Caller: “I don’t work. I sell blood.”

Me: *confused* “You mean at blood banks?”

Caller: “Sometimes at blood banks. Sometimes on the street…”

Size Matters, Part 10

| Dublin, Ireland | Rude & Risque, Top

(I work at a small counter in my store that sells the company’s own brand condoms. A female customer comes to the condom counter with a complaint. I’m busy with a customer, so my coworker steps in.)

Customer: “I want to return these!”

Coworker: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “My husband says they’re too small and they won’t fit him!”

(My coworker is a very unabashed flamboyant man. He proceeds to take a condom out of the packet, open it, unroll it and pull it over his hand and right up to his elbow, all while the customer watches in stony silence.)

Coworker: “If that doesn’t fit your husband, can I have his number?”

Customer: *leaves silently, taking the box with her*

Size Matters, Part 9
Size Matters, Part 8
Size Matters, Part 7
Size Matters, Part 6
Size Matters, Part 5
Size Matters, Part 4
Size Matters, Part 3
Size Matters, Part 2
Size Matters

Don’t Throw Rocks In Glass Elevators

| USA | Family & Kids, Top, Tourists/Travel

(Note: I am a passenger on a cruise ship with my father. I am in my early 20’s and my father is in his late 50’s. We are in the elevator with some other passengers on our way back to our rooms.)

Passenger: *glares at us* “That’s disgraceful!”

Me: “I’m…sorry?”

Passenger: “That’s disgraceful. The age difference between you two. You should be ashamed of yourselves! Absolutely disgusting!”

(My dad and I give confused looks to each other. The other passengers have now begun to stare.)

Dad: “You’re very right. After all, I used to change her diapers when she was a baby!”

Passenger: “What?!”

Me: “Yeah, older men aren’t my type. Plus, he’s my dad.”

Passenger: *practically plows out of the elevator at the next floor*

Beware The Old Prune That Prunes

| Somerset, UK | Somerset, UK | Bizarre

(An elderly lady comes in and tells me she wants to look at flooring. As I’m under strict orders not to leave the tills, I direct her to the flooring while I get a coworker from that department. She walks away and comes back a few minutes later, and we begin to chat idly while waiting for help.)

Customer: “What’s your name?”

Me: *smiling and pointing at name tag* “Jasmine.”

Customer: “Oh, I used to have some jasmines in my garden.”

Me: “Oh that’s nice!”

Customer: “I HATED IT! It grew like a weed. I had to chop it all down.”

Me: “Oh, that’s not good.”

Customer: “Now, you’d better get me someone RIGHT NOW, or I’ll chop YOU down!”

Me: “Um, someone’s on their way.”

(A few minutes later, the coworker who went to talk to her comes up to me to borrow a tape measure for her. I tell him what she said to me.)

Me: *to coworker* “She said she wants to chop me down like she did her jasmine plants!”

Coworker: “You know, that’s really weird…when I first went up to her, she said ‘I’m so glad you’re here. I was going to smack her in the face in a minute!'”

(Finally, as the customer is about to leave, she comes up to me again.)

Customer: “Well, I’m glad you got your coworker. He was very good.”

Me: “I’m very pleased about that!”

Customer: *menacingly* “I’ll let you live…this time.”

Maturity Can Be A Tall Order

| USA | Pets & Animals

(At our zoo, during certain times of the day, guests can buy lettuce to feed our giraffes on an observation deck.  One day a man comes up with his family carrying a couple of leafy branches.)

Guest: “Hey, I found these branches in the woods around the zoo.  Can I feed these to the giraffes.”

Me: “No, sorry, sir.  The zookeepers determine the diets of the giraffes, and we really can’t feed them anything the keepers haven’t approved.  If you would like to feed them, you can purchase some lettuce.”

Guest: *disappointed* “Okay, I guess that makes sense.  I’ll get a few pieces of lettuce for my kids.”

(I return to selling lettuce to other guests, when out of the corner of my eye I see the man holding the branches just out of reach of the male giraffe’s tongue.  The giraffe is clearly desperate to get the leaves, and the man is grinning. My coworker apparently witnesses this as well.)

Coworker: “Sir, please stop teasing the giraffes.”

Guest’s Wife: *to her husband* “You’re a 36-year-old man.  You should know better!”

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