Un-bare-ably Competitive

| Chicago, IL, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Rude & Risque

(It’s the end of the day at the grocery deli. Most of the other customers have left. I am just about to start closing up when a last customer walks up. He is wearing oversized glasses and mismatched clothing, as if he hasn’t done his laundry in a while.)

Customer: “Hey, you closing up?”

Me: “I’ve got enough time for ya! What do you need?”

(He orders and I begin preparing it.)

Customer: “So, how is that job?”

Me: “Nothing really to complain about, other than the occasional weird customer—”

Customer: “You know, I’m pretty weird! You want to see how weird I am?”

Me: “No, sir, that’s all right, I was just—”

(The customer proceeds to pull down his pants right in the middle of the store and does a little victory pose. I’m so dumbfounded I almost cut myself on the slicer.)

Customer: *pulling his pants up* “I bet you haven’t met anyone weirder than that yet, have ya?!”

Me: “No, sir, I most definitely have not.”

The Hole Truth, And Nothing Butt The Truth

| Darwin, Northern Territory, Australia | Health & Body

(I work in a small shopping centre with about 15 shops. One of our regular gentlemen had come into the store to buy his lotto tickets for the week. I notice that he looks rather awkward as he is waiting for his tickets, and decide to make small talk with him.)

Me: “How’s your day going, sir?”

Customer: “Uh, fine…yours?”

Me: “It’s great, thanks!”

(The customer looks away for a moment, looks down at the paper bag in his hands, and then looks back at me.)

Me: “Is everything okay, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah, I just went to the pharmacy and picked up me pills that the doc gave me.”

Me: “Oh, well I hope everything is okay.”

Customer: “You see, I’ve never had these type of pills before, and I don’t know what this word on the packet means.”

Me: “Well, the pharmacist or your doctor would be able to tell you.”

Customer: *sadly* “Oh, okay…”

Me: “What’s the word, sir?”

Customer: *looks at the packet* “Uh…it’s suppo-sit-ory.”

Me: “Well…uh…sir…that means that you don’t take them orally…”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “You don’t put them in your mouth.”

Customer: “Well, how do I take me pills?”

(At this point, another customer behind him is clearly trying not to laugh.)

Me:  “Uh…how do I put this delicately? You…uh…”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “I really think your doctor would be the best person to tell you.”

Customer: “I don’t wanna go back there. Can’t you just tell me?”

Me: “Why don’t we go down to the end of the counter, sir, and I can explain it to you?”

(Not wanting to embarrass him further, but not wanting to deny his request, we go down to the end of the counter for some privacy. I spend the next 10 minutes explaining where exactly a suppository goes.)

Customer: *bright red face* “Oh! Uh!”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “I didn’t know…I’ve never heard that d*** word before! Well why the h*** would they prescribe something like that? It’s ridiculous!”

Me: “I’m not a doctor, but why don’t we finish your transaction? Maybe you can win the big draw tonight!”

Customer: “That would be nice, I could use the money. And you know, if I win, I’m coming back to see you!”

Me: *laughing* “After that, sir, I should hope so.”

(The customer laughs with me, we finish up, and he leaves. My coworker, who has overheard the entire conversation, comes over to me.)

Coworker: “Tell me I didn’t just hear what I think I heard.”

Me: “You heard right. Oh, I just feel so bad for him.”

Coworker: “You wanna take your break?”

Me: “Oh God, yes! I’m going to go see the girls at the pharmacy and tell them they might want to give him a call!”

(When he came in to the store the next time, he sadly refused to make eye contact. However, he tried to tip me multiple times!)

By Process Of Elimination

| Leesport, PA, USA | Food & Drink

Customer: “I want a chicken caesar salad.”

Me: “Okay. Would you like tomatoes, onions, and peppers on that?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Would you like tomatoes, onions, and peppers?”

Customer: “Um, no peppers.”

Me: “Okay, so just tomatoes and onions, then?”

Customer: “No, no onions.”

Me: “Just tomatoes?”

Customer: “No, no tomatoes, either.”

Me: “Okay…”

No Manners For Minions

| Colorado, USA | Bizarre

(Although it’s my first day at my job in the grocery department, I used to work in customer service in the same store. There’s a particular customer who often visited me in customer service. I fixed his transactions many times before and he has been nothing but nice. As I’m walking around putting stock in the aisles, this same customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Do you have split peas?”

Me: “What kind are you looking for? I believe we have some one aisle over with the canned food. We also have frozen peas with the frozen vegetables.”

Customer: “Okay, thanks.”

(A little while later, the original customer finds me.)

Customer: “I just want to let you know I found dry split peas in the same aisle we were talking in, on the lowest shelf. You don’t know your job.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, it’s my first day and I’m still learning.”

Customer: “WELL, YOU SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED TO THINK! You should know where everything is before they hire idiots like you!”

Knowing Is Half The Battle, Part 2

| Michigan, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid

Me: “Hello! How are you today?”

Customer: “I don’t know…”

Me: “Well, is there anything I can help you find?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

(There’s a long pause.)

Me: “…Is there a specific style you’re looking for?”

Customer: “I don’t know…”

Me: “Maybe a color?”

Customer: “I don’t know…”

Me: “What size?”

Customer: “I don’t know…”

Me: “Um, I can’t help you unless you give me something to go on.”

Customer: *dejectedly* “Okay.” *leaves*

Boss: “What just happened?”

Me: “I don’t know…”

Knowing Is Half The Battle

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