That’s What You Get For Choo-Choo-ing Me Out

| Coventry, UK | Top, Tourists/Travel

(I work as a maintenance man for the top railway maintenance company in the UK. I’m maintaining buttons on the station platforms—important buttons that station staff use to let the signalman know the train is boarded and ready to leave. I must also add that to test these buttons, we need a train to be present.)

Customer: “Excuse me lad, can you tell me when the next train to Euston is, please?”

Me: *looking up at information boards* “I can see that it is due any minute now. Should you need any more help, you can just refer to the digital screens above you.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me!”

Me: “E-Excuse me?”

Customer: “I checked on my phone half hour ago, and it said the train was due at 22 minutes past. It is now half past.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Usually, the station staff can tell you why the delay has been caused, but I can tell from the screen…” *points* “…that it is expected in a couple of minutes. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you any more, as I’m just here to make the trains safe to run.”

Customer: “F***ing typical! Won’t help no c***!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “You railwaymen are all the f***ing same! Whenever I see you ‘working,’ you are just standing about!”

Me: “I assure you, sir, we work very hard, but currently we are waiting for a train so we can test the station’s communication with the signalman. Without a train, the button panel won’t communicate with him.”

Customer: “Bull****!”

Me: “Well, I—”

Customer: “Whenever I pass you guys on the train, you are always standing at the side of the track, doing nothing! No wonder train fares increased because YOU b******s are leeching the system!”

Me: “Are you talking about when the train is moving and you see men like us on the track?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “Well, if we were maintaining things on the track…how are we meant to do that if a train is driving over it?”

Customer: *turns red*

(He runs off, mumbling, before catching a station attendant and ripping into him as well…and missing his train in the process.)

No Scan, No Scam

| Newton, NJ, USA | Liars & Scammers, Money

(I work in a store in a small town where most of the customers are elderly and sweet. If a price doesn’t come up, I will generally trust a customer if they say they know the exact price.)

Me: “Oh, there’s no bar code on this.”

Customer: “Well, it was $39.99, but I guess that doesn’t help you.”

Me: “Well, I can enter it manually. You’re sure it was $39.99?”

Customer: “Actually, it was…$19.99.”

Me: “Sir, do you really want me to call for a price check and make you and all the people behind you wait ten minutes for someone to come up here?”

Customer: *defeated* “…It was $39.99.”

Guess Who’s Flapping To Dinner

| Ottawa, ON, Canada | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

Customer: “This may sound odd, but we’re looking for a light with a finish that’s resistant to…um…bird poop.”

Me: “I’m guessing you have a pet? Well, no finish is going to stand up completely to that kind of thing, but we can look at a few things. What kind of light are you looking for?”

Customer: “It’s for over our kitchen table.”

(I proceed to find them some lights. Later on as I’m helping them out to their car…)

Me: “Oh, I never did ask the name of your bird!”

Customer: “Well, we have about 70 of them. Bye!” *drives off*

Coworker: “Remind me not to accept any of their dinner invitations.”

Going Native

| Kansas City, KS, USA | History

(We have our patients review their insurance/contact information before their visit roughly once a year. This ensures that everything that we have on file is up-to-date.)

Old Man: *looks over information* “There’s something on here that I want to change.”

Old Man’s Wife: “Honey, our address and phone number have been the same for 20 years. What could you want to change?”

Old Man: “Right here where it says ‘Caucasian,’ it should say ‘Native American.'”

Old Man’s Wife: “Why would it need to say ‘Native American?’ You’re not an Indian, honey. You were born in Kentucky.”

Old Man: “Yeah, I was born in Kentucky. Kentucky is in America. I was born in America. That makes me a NATIVE American!” *shakes head*

Surrogate Swearers

| Hampshire, UK | At The Checkout, Language & Words, Top

(I am working on a till that frequently has problems with the scanner. I attempt to scan a customer’s item, but the barcode won’t go through and I mouth a swear to myself.)

Customer: “Go on, say it.”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer’s Husband: “What did she do?”

Customer: “Swore under her breath.” *turns back to me* “You can say it. Vents the frustrations!”

Me: “I’m afraid I’m not allowed to swear in front of the customers.”

Customer: “Shall I say it for you?”

Me: “If you like.”

Customer: “Bugger!”

Me: “Ah, I feel better now.”

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