It Never Hurts To Ask…And Ask…And Ask, Part 2

| Commerce, TX, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Top

(A car pulls up to our store. Two teenagers get out while the driver waits inside. I know the second teenager as a petty shoplifter, so I keep a very close eye on them.)

Teenager #1: “I’d like a pack of cigarettes.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll need to see a valid, current, driver’s license in order to sell them to you.”

Teenager #1: “Why?”

Me: “Because I need to verify your age. By law, you need to be eighteen or older to purchase tobacco products in this state.”

Teenager #1: “I don’t have one.”

Me: “Sorry, I can’t sell you the cigarettes, then.”

(The two teenagers leave the store and talk with the driver. They then come back in and resume begging.)

Teenager #1: “Please?”

Me: “No. It’s against the law. I’m not able to do it.”

(They leave to the car and return again.)

Teenager #1: “Okay, I’ve got the license.” *hands me an old learner’s permit*

Me: “I’m afraid I still can’t sell you the cigarettes.”

Teenager #1: “Why not!? I’ve given you the license!”

Me: “It’s still not possible. You see, this is a learner’s permit, not a license. That alone wouldn’t be too bad if you could prove this is your permit. However, this doesn’t have a picture of you on it. But before you go fishing out a student ID or anything like that, I can’t accept this for other reasons. First of all, it has expired. Secondly, it isn’t a license with your picture on it. Lastly, it says you are only seventeen and that you had a birthday last month. You still aren’t eighteen.”

Teenager #1: “Oh, come on, please?”

(The teenagers leave yet again, talk to the driver, and return. This time, they take their begging to another customer who has been filling out paperwork and drinking coffee near the front door.)

Teenager #1: “Sir, could you buy some cigarettes for me? That guy won’t sell them to us.”

Another Customer: “Seriously? You are seriously asking me that?”

Teenager #1: “Well, yeah. He won’t sell them, and we really want them!”

(The other customer looks at them as if they have gone into the Twilight Zone.)

Another Customer: “You want me…”

Teenager #1: “…to buy the cigarettes.”

Another Customer: “Wait a moment. You want ME to buy you cigarettes. He’s already heard you ask me, and by law he can’t sell them to me because he will know that I am buying them for you.”

Teenager #1: “Oh, come on, just buy them, will you?”

Another Customer: “Furthermore, you are asking ME to break the law…”

Teenager #1: “Come on, man… please?”

Another Customer: “…an on duty, fully in-uniform police officer to break the law and buy you cigarettes?”

Teenager #1: “Yeah, please?”

Another Customer: “Think. About. It.”

(Seeing the officer’s answering glare, the teenager and his friend finally decide the game is over. No cigarettes tonight!)

Related:
It Never Hurts To Ask…And Ask…And Ask

This Is Lazy, But Here’s The Number, So Help Yourself Maybe

| Maine, USA | Extra Stupid

(I’m with my parents at a large chain hardware store. I’ve wandered off to the garden section and am minding my own business while looking at some potted plants.)

Customer: “Excuse me! How much are the potted plants out front?”

Employee: “I’ll help you out in just one second, okay? I have to unload this pallet right away, but I’ll be right with you.”

Customer: “You’re useless!” *comes up to me* “Excuse me! how much are the potted plants?”

Me: *looks around* “…Me? Oh, I don’t work here. I do believe that man told you he’d be right with you, though.”

Customer: “You work here, I know you do. Don’t lie! You just want to be lazy.”

Me: “No… I don’t work here. Sorry.”

Customer: “You just want to be lazy!” *stomps over to the registers* “Excuse me, but your employees are being lazy and won’t tell me how much the potted plants are.”

Employee #2: “Ma’am, I heard my coworker tell you he’d be right with you, and that girl doesn’t work here.”

Customer: “Sure, she doesn’t! She just wants to be lazy. HOW MUCH ARE THE D*** PLANTS?!”

Employee #2: “Well, which ones?”

Customer: “THE POTTED PLANTS!”

Employee #2: “Ma’am, we have many potted plants here—”

Customer: “THE D*** ONES UP FRONT!”

Employee #2: “Ma’am, there’s a rather large neon yellow sign in front of the rack they’re on. The price is on there.”

Customer: “Well, why didn’t someone say so?!”

Meow Amore Vole Fe Ya

| Denver, CO, USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals

Client: “Help, my cat is pregnant and I have no idea what to do now!”

Coworker: “Alright, do you have any un-neutered male cats in the house, or is she an outdoor cat?”

Client: “Yes, I have two un-neutered male cats in the house. Does it matter?”

Coworker: “Well, if you have un-neutered male cats in the house, that is likely how she got pregnant.”

Client: “That’s impossible. My male cats are gay!”

Mother’s Little Yeller

| Massachusetts, USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Top

Me: “A few quick rules before we begin our tour: we don’t allow photography inside the museum and, as everything inside is antique, please try not to touch anything.”

(At this point, I like to make a side note to any kids in the group to make them feel important. I turn to one of the visitor’s daughters at the front, who is about six years old.)

Me: “Now, everyone always assumes that I’m talking to you when I go over these rules, but really, I know that you know how to behave. The grownups, on the other hand, think they can do anything because they’re grownups. So you keep an eye on your parents for me, okay?”

(The visitor’s daughter grins and nods. Sure enough, a few minutes later…)

Me: “The bed curtains on the bed in here were handmade by a local woman out of homespun linen. She did all the work herself and it took her nearly ten years to—”

Visitor: “Wow, this is amazing!”

(The visitor grabs the 250-year-old fabric and starts rubbing it between her fingers.)

Visitor’s Daughter: *immediately smacks the visitor’s hand away* “Mummy you stop that! You heard what the nice lady said! Grownups have to follow the rules, too!”

Visitor: *hangs head in shame*

Other Visitor: “Oh my God, it worked!”

(The visitor’s daughter gave me a high five on the way out!)

Androcles And The Liquor

, | Missouri, USA | Food & Drink

(We have a difficult customer who comes in every day with his wife. Usually, he is just fine, but if he doesn’t get his coffee exactly right, he throws a huge fit. He’s even made a few girls cry from screaming at them.)

Me: “Good morning! How are you doing today?”

Difficult Customer: “Not good. I need my coffee.”

Me: “Yes, sir! Coming right up!”

Difficult Customer: “And, one other thing…”

Me: “…Yes?”

Difficult Customer: “Can I get a shot of whiskey in that?”

Me: “If I could give you coffee and whiskey, I think we would all have a better morning!”

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