And Tell Voldemort He’s Next

| St. Louis, MO, USA | Geeks Rule

(I work in a toy store in a local mall. One day a man comes in and stands awkwardly to one side for a long while. I realize that something is…off about him, mentally. Finally, he approaches me.)

Me: “Hi, how may I help you today?”

Customer: “Have you seen Bellatrix Lestrange?”

Me: “We don’t carry any Harry Potter toys, but you might be able to find some Harry Potter stuff at Hot Topic.”

Customer: *looking completely serious* “No, I’m looking for Bellatrix. I’ve already killed Malfoy and now I’m looking for that b****.”

One Annoyed Paranoid, Part 4

| Indiana, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Would you like to put in an email address or mailing address to receive coupons?”

Customer: “Sure, I’ll give you my email address.”

Customer’s friend: “No! Don’t give her your email address. People can hack you and track you down and find you with those.”

Customer: “Oh, I guess I can’t do that then.”

Customer’s friend: “Wait, did you say email or mailing address?”

Me: “Either one.”

Customer: “Well, I can go ahead and give you my mailing address then, can’t I?”

Customer’s friend: “I don’t see why not!”

Related:
One Annoyed Paranoid, Part 3
One Annoyed Paranoid, Part 2
One Annoyed Paranoid

Over The Hill And Picking Up Speed

| Florida, USA | Uncategorized

(An elderly man walks up to my register with his button down shirt unbuttoned nearly all the way and doesn’t seem to care he’s almost not wearing a shirt. After scanning his groceries, he goes to swipe his card on our new machine.)

Customer: “Well, what the Jim Bean is this?”

Me: “Oh, thats our new card machine. You just need to swipe, then sign for it with the pen there.”

Customer: “What will they try to do next? D*** Chinese wantin’ to take over this country. Them and their Mickey Mouse!”

Dyed With Fresh Afterbirth

| Augusta, GA, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [bridal shop]. This is [my name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I was told I could pay for my dress over the phone. I can’t remember the style number but I know the color.”

Me: “No problem, I should be able to look it up for you. Is this a bridesmaid dress or a bridal gown?”

Customer: “I’m a bridesmaid. I know the color is placenta.”

(Thinking I misheard her, I move forward.)

Me: “What is the bride’s name?”

(I get her information and pull up the wish list.)

Me: “Okay, I see that the bride has selected style 1234 in persimmon. Also, we have that you need a size 12.”

Customer: “Um, I think you have the color wrong. The bride told me it’s placenta.”

Me: “Well, it may be that she misread our catalog or just mispronounced it when she was talking with you, but she definitely put persimmon in her wish list.”

Customer: “Are you sure she didn’t pick placenta and somebody put the wrong color in the computer?”

Me: “I can assure you that we do not carry a color called placenta.”

Customer: “Well, I’m gonna call her and make sure she knows you put that persnickety color on her file instead of placenta! I’ll call you back.”

Exorcisms Not Included, Part 2

| Illinois, USA | Uncategorized

(We have candy canes leftover from a holiday event sitting on a shelf above my register. A woman has just left her seven or eight year old daughter guarding a second load of purchases while she puts the rest in the car. The daughter is clutching a care-worn doll.)

Girl: *very politely* “Excuse me, I noticed you seem to have a bowl of candy canes up there. May I have one?”

Me: “Sure, as long as your mother says it’s alright.”

Girl: “Well then, I guess you will have to ask her, or I will have to ask, or…” *lowers her voice* “…the doll’s soul will have to ask.”

Me: “You know what? I can ask her. Yeah. I can totally ask her.”

Related:
Exorcisms Not Included