Don’t Wake The Fishies

| Gainesville, FL, USA | Pets & Animals

(The phone rings. I am on the sales floor in front of our tanks of fish for sale.)

Caller: “Hi, I need you to get on the computer and look up what fish you have and how much they are.”

Me: “I’d be glad to help you out. I’m standing right in front of the fish, so I can actually tell you right now how much they are and how many we have.”

Caller: “No, I need you to get on the computer and look it up. I can’t easily come down to the store, so I want to see how many of each fish you have and what the price is.”

Me: “What species were you looking for? I can just look and tell you how many we have and what the price is. It will be faster and more accurate than the inventory program, which I don’t have access to anyway.”

Caller: “You can’t get on the computer?”

Me: “No, ma’am, but I’d be happy to just look at the fish themselves. I can see how many we have in stock and give you the prices. What species were you looking for?”

Caller: “Never mind!” *hangs up*

Me: *speechless*

Please, No Free, Unlimited Questions

| Santa Claus, IN, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m a cashier at an amusement park that has a special deal involving free unlimited drinks.)

Customer: “How many free, unlimited soft drinks can I have?”

Me: *thinking I misheard him* “How many free, unlimited soft drinks can you have?”

Customer: *nods*

Me: “Sir, since our soft drinks are both free and unlimited, you can have as many as you want.”

Customer: *visibly brightens* “Thanks!”

Who Needs Learnin’ When You Can Be Sun Burnin’

| Canton, MI, USA | Family & Kids

(A coworker and I are cleaning up the magazines. A father and his two kids are walking by.)

Father: *to his son* “I just can’t believe you’re wasting your time looking at books when it’s such a nice day outside!”

Breaking Peter To Fix Paul

| Eden Prairie, MN, USA | Wild & Unruly

(I work as a cashier at an electronics retailer. A customer walks up with a computer lapdesk that opens up so it can store small items. Normally, two clips hold these shut.)

Customer: “Excuse me, one of the two clips is broken off.”

Me: “Oh geez, I’m sorry! Do you wanna grab another one that’s not defective?”

Customer: “Sure…” *leaves the broken lapdesk with me*

(I give the broken one to a fellow cashier so they can take it back to the service desk and defect it out. Several minutes later, the customer returns.)

Customer: *holding a new lapdesk* “Hey! Where’s the other lapdesk?”

Me: “Oh, I gave it to customer service because it was defective. We can ring this up now—”

Customer: “But I need the first one!

Me: “Wait…why?”

Customer: *holds up a lapdesk clip* “I broke one off the new one to put on the old one!”

Nothing Outlasts The Criticizer

| Gulfport, MS, USA | Extra Stupid

Customer: “I want to return these batteries.”

(She puts an opened pack of batteries on the counter.)

Me: “Oh, so they didn’t work?”

Customer: “Yeah, they worked for a few weeks, but now they’e broken. They’re not supposed to expire until 2015!”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s a ‘best if used by’ date, not an expiration date.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “Batteries die. It’s just saying that you should use them before this date, not that they will last for 3 years.”

Customer: “You mean I have to buy more batteries?!”

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