I’ve Got That Drinking Feeling

| Brisbane, QLD, Australia | At The Checkout, Awesome Workers, Criminal & Illegal, Food & Drink, Underaged, Wild & Unruly

(I’m standing in line at the counter, when an obviously drunk and under-aged boy wanders in. The cashier behind the counter is onto him like a shot.)

Cashier: “Excuse me there, champ. Have you got some ID on you?”

Drunk teen: “No, I don’t. Why?”

Cashier: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave my shop then, champ. Right now, please.”

Drunk teen: “What, just because I have no ID?”

Cashier: “Among other things, yes. You can’t prove you’re 18, and you’re clearly drunk, which means you’re not legally allowed to be in this store. Please don’t be difficult; just leave.”

(The drunk teen makes his way to the exit peacefully, but once past the front door decides to act up.)

Drunk teen: “Well, f*** you! F*** you and get f***ed! I’ll f***ing be here if I want to f***ing be here!” *flips both middle fingers at the cashier*

(The cashier, who is far taller and broader than he appears while he’s behind the counter, moves into the doorway to prevent the teen re-entering.)

Cashier: *very calmly* “No, you won’t. Now you’re becoming both an annoyance and a disturbance. You’d better get out of here quick smart, before something happens that you’ll regret later.”

Drunk teen: “F*** you! I’m gonna bash you man! I’m gonna beat your face!”

Cashier: *cracks up laughing* “Champ, I doubt you could even beat yourself off at this point.” *takes a step outside the shop* “Please though, take a swing. Give me the excuse.”

(At this point it apparently dawns on the teen that’s he’s in way over his head and his attempt at intimidation has failed miserably. The cashier seems quite willing to make an example of him.)

Drunk teen: “Uh… uh… I’m… I’m gonna hurt you man!”

Cashier: *icily, dangerously calm* “No. You’re going to apologise to the customers for annoying them, you’re going to apologise to me for annoying me, and then you’re going to leave, very quickly, before I put my size 14s so far up your arse your kids are born with tread-marks on their faces, so help me God.”

(The drunk teen starts to stammer out something, but is interrupted.)

Cashier: *in a very convincing and menacing Bale-Batman voice* “Get the f*** out of here. Now!”

(The teen flees at his top speed, bumping into and tripping over everything in his path. We all give the cashier a huge round of applause, and an elderly couple high-fived him!)

1 Thumbs
2,233
VOTES

Weekly Roundup: Historical Hijinx

Not Always Right | History, Roundups

Historical Hijinx! From vampire-hunting presidents to Viking chicken nuggets, for these customers, history is a complete mystery!

  1. (Not One Of) History’s Mysteries (5,123 Thumbs Up)
    For this customer, Cowboys & Indians are as fictional as Aliens & Zombies!
  2. S.H.I.E.L.D. Me From This Stupidity (1,468 Thumbs Up)
    We wish Captain America were the real deal, but for this 45-year-old moviegoer he’s a real American hero.
  3. Being The President Sucks (2,892 Thumbs Up)
    Yes, it’s true: Abraham Lincoln had a Stake in preventing the Twilight of our democracy!
  4. Pages Of A Post-Apocalyptic Persuasion (3,196 Thumbs Up)
    We’ll all be drinking Nuka-Cola if this customer’s search for World War 3 history bears mutfruit.
  5. Little Nuggets Of Interest (2,964 Thumbs Up)
    A child gives an Irish tour guide a real “nugget” of historical Viking wisdom!

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 11

| UK | Technology

Me: “Thanks for calling [store name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My internet won’t work! You have to fix it now! My business is losing hundreds of pounds thanks to you!”

Me: “I certainly do apologise about that. Are the lights on?”

Customer: “Yes, but one’s flashing.”

Me: “Okay, is the DSL cable plugged in securely?”

Customer: “DSL cable? There isn’t one of those!”

Me: “Erm, okay. So, what cables do you have plugged into it?”

Customer: “I haven’t got any plugged into it! It said it was a wireless router! So I don’t need any wires, duh!”

Me: “So… where is the router ma’am?”

Customer: “It’s in the filing cabinet, of course!”

Related:
Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 10

Going Overboard With The Engagement Ring

| NY, USA | Bizarre, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I work on a tour boat in New York. Some friends are on my tour. My partner of 6 years asked me to marry him yesterday, so I am excitedly showing my friends my breathtaking new engagement ring. An elderly lady has been glaring at us while I talk to them.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, can I get anything for you?”

Lady: “Did you say you’re getting married?!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am! I’m so excited!”

Lady: “You’re too young to get married!”

(Suddenly, the lady grabs my hand and rips my ring off my finger. Before anyone can do anything, she flings my ring overboard. I am in total shock while my friend screams at the lady.)

My Friend: “She’s 28!”

Lady: *suddenly all smiles* “Oh! That’s alright then. I’ll have a Coke. Thank you, dear!”

(I now have a new ring, but I never wear it to work.)

1 Thumbs
2,370
VOTES

Putting The Sub Into Subservient

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Food & Drink, Wild & Unruly

(I’m training at the back of a sandwich store with a coworker, when we notice that our other coworker on service needs help. Note: we have a promotion that makes any foot-long sandwich $6.00 between 11 pm and 11 am.)

Customer: “No! How much is that?! [Your coworker] just said ‘no’!”

Me: “Pardon me, miss, what seems to be the—”

Customer: “You have a sign outside that says every sub is six dollars.”

Me: “Yes, that’s true.”

Customer: “But she just said ‘no’!”

Coworker: “Miss, all foot-long subs -are- six dollars right now.”

(Suddenly, the customer lunges at my colleague. Her boyfriend immediately grabs her and pulls her to him.)

Customer’s Boyfriend: “Babe, calm down.”

Customer: “…Okay. Look: my boyfriend just asked if my sub was the same price. And you said no.”

Coworker: “Right! Yes. Because your sub is a six inch, and is cheaper.”

Customer: “But your sign says they’re ALL six dollars! And you said ‘no’!”

Customer’s Boyfriend: “Babe, you’ve got to calm down.”

Coworker: “Yeah, because your sub is only six inches long. It’s cheaper.”

Customer: *glares at us*

Me: “Regardless, your sub is only four dollars, miss.”

Customer: *turning on me, wildly* “No! I’m not paying for that! She said ‘no’!” *gestures to her boyfriend’s foot-long* “He’s paying for that, and that’s it! *turns to her boyfriend* “And don’t you ever grab me again!”

Customer’s Boyfriend: “Oh, yeah, I’m the one in trouble here.”

(The boyfriend and I finish the transaction for his foot-long while the girlfriend paces angrily outside.)

Me: “Here’s your change… and good luck.”

Customer’s Boyfriend: “Thanks. I’ll need it.”

Page 1,678/3,126First...1,6761,6771,6781,6791,680...Last