One Customer And You’re Already Pooped

| Australia | Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Pets & Animals

(I am waiting to pick up my cat at the vet when I witness an exchange between the receptionist and a customer.)

Receptionist: “She’s doing well. She’s passed some formed feces—”

Customer: “What does that mean?”

Receptionist: “Uh… It just means it’s solid—”

Customer: “But what does that MEAN?”

Receptionist: “What? Formed feces?”

Customer: “Yeah, that second one.”

Receptionist: “Oh… um… It’s her bowel movements.”

Customer: *blank stare*

Receptionist: “Number Two?”

Customer: *blank stare*

Receptionist: “Her, um, her poo, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, that’s good.”

Body Of Lies

| Scotland, UK | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Theme Of The Month

(I work in the ‘special collections’ department for the local authority. My job is to cover the reception area and take any orders for special collections over the counter. Usually people come in to get things such as TVs, furniture, and such uplifted.)

Customer: “Hi. Is this the right office for booking a collection?”

Me: “Yes. How many items do you need uplifted?”

Customer: “Just one.”

Me: “Okay, no problem. Is this for a business a personal residence?”

Customer: “Personal Residence.” *leans closer to me over the counter in a creepy manner* “Is there any way this can be done discreetly?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Customer: “I mean, can you not record my details. Can I just have the uplift, and pay extra to not have my details logged?”

Me: “Um… No, not really. That’s not how we do it. We have to record your details. Now, what do you need uplifted?”

Customer: “A dead body.”

(We stare at each other in silence whilst I have the biggest mental panic attack ever. A few seconds pass before the customer bursts out laughing.)

Customer: “I am so sorry. I’m just messing with you. You’re face was priceless! I have ALWAYS wanted to do that!”

(The customer left, still laughing, while I stood there with my mouth hanging open in complete shock and amusement.)

Finally Sees Cents

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Math & Science, Money, Theme Of The Month

(The price of the fuel has gone up, from $0.537 cents per litre, to $0.539 cents per litre. We always change the outside signs BEFORE we change the price on the pump. A customer pulls up just as the price is changing. She fills her car with fuel and pays. She turns to leave, then looks at her receipt. She returns to the counter.)

Customer: “Um, excuse me, but you have ripped me off. You have charged me the wrong price.”

Me: I’m sorry? Let me take a look at the receipt.

(I look at the receipt, and it clearly shows the price as being $0.539 cents per litre. She had purchased 25 litres.)

Customer: “See, it’s the wrong price. You are rip-off merchants. You have stolen my money!”

Me: “Ma’am, the price is correct, I’m unsure as to what you are referring.”

Customer: “When I drove in, the pump said 53.7 and then you charge me 53.9 cents a litre! That’s extortion!”

Me: “Well, actually the signs outside clearly indicate the price, and the pumps had just changed as you pulled up.”

Customer: “So you admit it! You have ripped me off! I want to see the manager!”

Me: “I am the manager, ma’am. For the inconvenience, I shall refund you the difference.”

(I hand her the five cents.)

Customer: “Seriously? I’m not stupid you know! It’s a lot more than just five cents!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, you purchased 25 litres yes?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “The price went from 53.7 CENTS a litre to 53.9 CENTS a litre?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “So 25 multiplied by .2 of a cent equates to 5 cents.”

(Red faced and obviously extremely mortified, the customer raced out of the store without so much as a ‘sorry!’)