Drunk But Orderly

| IL, USA | Awesome Customers

(I work as a bouncer at a bar in a small Illinois college town. On the busier weekend nights there are cops stationed in the bar district. Sometimes, they just sit and talk with the various bouncers, asking how their nights are going and watching for drunks. As I’m out at the exit door talking with one, he is telling me that it has been a slow night for the police with no real problems. Just then, a patron stumbles out of my door with a beer bottle in his hand.)

Me: “Sir, you can’t bring your beer outside of the bar. Could you please go back inside with it?”

Customer: “Why don’t you f*** off! You can’t do s*** to me!”

(Before I can say anything, the cop, who is next to me but out of view of the customer, steps out and addresses him in a non-threatening but very deep tone.)

Cop: “I advise you do what this man says. He may not be able to harm you, but I can. And I would love for you to give me an excuse to arrest you.”

(The customer looks as for a moment he is going to take a swing at the cop, but reconsiders his actions.)

Customer: “Perhaps I should go back inside.” *hurries back inside*

Cop: *turns to me* “I was really hoping he would make a move. Then I’d finally get to do something fun tonight!”

More Of A Dollar Half Full Kind Of Person

| OH, USA | Extra Stupid, Math & Science, Money

Me: “Okay, will that be all?”

Customer #1: “Yes, thanks.”

Me: “Do you have a [store] card?”

Customer #1: “Oh, I do!”

Me: “Alright, your total is $9.43.”

Customer #1: “Oh look, I even saved money!”

Customer #2: “How much?”

Me: “Umm, $0.60.”

Customer #2: “Ooh, that’s almost half a dollar!”

Google Oglala

| OR, USA | Language & Words

(I work for an in-home care company as a caregiver. I am assigned to this lady for a couple of hours as a one-time thing.)

Lady: “See my beads? I got those from my native tribe.”

Me: “Oh, you’re Native American? That’s really cool; so am I.”

Lady: “Yes, I’m from the Ogalalo Sioux tribe.”

(I happen to be from the tribe she’s talking about, which is pronounced ‘Oglala’.)

Me: “I think you’re talking about the Oglala Sioux tribe.”

Lady: “No, it’s not! It’s Ogalalo!”

Me: “Ma’am, I happen to be from the tribe you are referring to, and I know that’s it’s pronounced ‘Oglala’.”

Lady: “No! It’s ‘OGALALO’! You have no idea what you’re talking about! My late husband was native and he told me about all the tribes!”

(At this point, her current husband, who is sitting in the chair next to her, puts down his newspaper.)

Husband: “And he probably told you it was ‘Oglala’. Look it up.”

(She is sitting at the computer at the time, so she goes and googled it. Sure enough, the search corrects her and says, ‘Do you mean ‘Oglala Sioux?’.)

Lady: “F***!”

Coffee, Strong, And Proud

| Concord, NH, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Bigotry, Top

(Note: during the course of this conversation the customer uses several degrading terms for people of Middle-Eastern and African descent.)

Customer #1: *slaps a $10 bill on the counter* “I’ll have a pack of [racial slur] delights.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer #1: “You know, [different racial slur] specials! You know, the cigarettes the [yet another racial slur] make!”

Me: “You mean Camels?”

Customer #1: “That’s what I said I wanted, isn’t it?”

Me: “Not even close. You used several highly offensive racial slurs, but not once did you ask for a pack of cigarettes.”

Customer #1: “Whatever. Just get me the f***ing cigarettes!”

Me: “Yeah, that’s not happening. I’m exercising my right to refuse you service. The door’s right over there, have a nice day!”

Customer #1: “You’re kidding, right? What the f*** is your problem?”

Me: “It’s simple, really. If someone is bothering other customers, I am required to kick them out of the store. Your crude and abusive language is clearly bothering the customers in line behind you, so there you go. Goodbye.”

Customer #1: “What the f*** is wrong with you! What’s wrong with calling a [slur] a [slur]? They’re all f***ing [slurs], and you’re all a bunch of f***ing b****ds. You hear me? You’re all—”

(At this point Customer #1 turns around to yell at the other people in line, but cuts off as he catches sight of the customer right behind him. Customer #2 is a male African-American that could accurately be described as ‘terrifyingly enormous’. It should also be noted that one of the slurs Customer #1 has been using was aimed at African-Americans.)

Customer #1: “Whoa, man. I said ‘sand [slur]’. I don’t have any problem with you!”

Customer #2: *stares down at Customer #1* “Lemme see if I’ve got this right. You’re a loud-mouthed, ignorant, bigoted a**hole, but that shouldn’t bother me because you don’t have a problem with me specifically?”

Customer #1: “Uh, yes?”

Customer #2: “Uh, no. The nice man behind the counter asked you to leave the store. I suggest you do so before I decide you need some help getting through the door.”

(Customer #1 immediately flees out the door, allowing Customer #2 to put his four coffees on the counter.)

Customer #2: “Just the coffees, my friend.”

Me: “Dude, the look on that guy’s face was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. For that, and for helping me out, your coffee is on me.”

(The next day I told my manager what happened. After reviewing the security tapes (and laughing for a good 20 minutes) she gave me a nearly half a box of free coffee vouchers to give Customer #2. When I quit two years later, he still hadn’t run out of them.)

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Putting The Dire Into Directions

| Berlin, Germany | Geography

(My department store doesn’t sell all the ranges of clothes that the chain produces. However, there is another store just 200 meters to the left that I always tell people to go to when they are looking for an item we don’t have.)

Customer: “Do you have these shoes in [size]?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have any in stock, but if you can’t find your size here you could try the other store, which is two hundred meters to the left.”

Customer: “So, I go out and then to the right?”

Me: “No, the store is just to the left.”

Customer: “How far is it?”

Me: “As I said, just two hundred meters from here.”

Customer: “How am I supposed to know? I’m from [another big city nearby].”

Me: “Yeah, but two hundred meters is the same distance in that place as it is here.”

Customer: *sighing* “This city is just too big for me!”

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