Ignorant About Immigrants

| St. Louis, MO, USA | Bigotry, Hall of Fame, Language & Words

(All of the signs in our store are both in English and Spanish.)

Me: “Welcome to [store name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I wanna know why the h*** you people cater to them Mexicans!”

Me: “I’m sorry your feel that way, sir. But it is company policy that we post in multiple languages; we even have a phone line that can translate for our customers. We consider it good customer service.” 

Customer: “That is bull! We are in America and people should speak American!”

Me: *getting ornery* “Well, sir, even I don’t speak American. I speak English.”

Customer: “You are one of those Brits! Probably came here to take a good American job just like the rest of them!”

Me: “No sir, I’m not British. I was born and raised right here in Missouri.” 

Customer: “Then why don’t you speak American?”

(At this point my coworker, having overheard everything, steps in.)

Coworker: “Because ‘American’ isn’t a language.”

Customer: “Yes it is! You d*** foreign people are taking over! I’m never shopping here again!” *leaves*

How To Deal With A Customer’s Crap

| Property Management | TX, USA | Health & Body

(I am a property manager for a homeowner’s association. I get a call from a homeowner.)

Homeowner: “Yes, I’m calling to tell you that you need to pick up the dirty diaper in my front lawn.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, that’s not what I do.”

Homeowner: “Well, somebody needs to pick it up! Who do you think will pick it up if you don’t?!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s your house. You’re responsible for maintaining your home. I’m not obligated to clean your lawn.”

Homeowner: “Well, then you can rot in H*** along with that diaper!”

Being The Bigger Man

| Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Hall of Fame, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I am standing in a line for a checkout at a supermarket, when I look over and see a family with two kids in another line. The kids are throwing stuff everywhere, tins, bottles, and jars. The cashier, a young girl, is frantically trying to calm them down. Note: I’m pretty big, about 6’3″ and broad, plus I have a black eye, cut nose and a cut across my lip from a sports match the day before.)

Cashier: *to kids* “Please stop throwing things. Someone’s going to get hurt.”

Father: “How dare you! You people just get off on telling other people what to do! You’re all just fascists, that’s what!”

Cashier: “Look, I’m not trying to tell you what to do, but your kids are going to end up hurting someone, and then it’ll be a big problem for all of us.”

Mother: “Are you threatening us?”

Cashier: *looking shocked and confused* “No! Not at all. I’m just saying that it would be best if you asked your children to stop before someone gets hurt.”

Father: “You’re still making threats! Either you stop with that right now or I swear to God I will give you a big problem! I’m going to make you sorry you were born, unless you shut the f*** up right now!”

(I catch the cashier’s eye, and she looks hopeless. I bend down, pick up a tin thrown by one of the kids and quietly move to just behind the parents.)

Me: “Excuse me.”

(They spin round. The father is not that tall, about 5’10”, so he’s pretty much looking me in the neck. I point at my black eye and battered face.)

Me: “One of your kids just hit me in the face. Is this a problem I should take up with you personally, or should I just call the police?”

(I’m looming over him now, very much invading his personal space.)

Father: “Oh, God, I’m sorry! I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

Me: “I would recommend you apologise to the nice lady who’s been putting up with you for the last 10 minutes without calling the police. It seems she’s had far more to deal with than me!”

The Downers Of Up-Selling

| Canada | Money, Spouses & Partners, Top

(At the ferry terminal where I work, we have a discount card. When loaded with money, it will give you a substantial discount when customers use it to pay for a ticket.  I don’t usually mention it because all the local commuters know about it, but when they are paying for 4 or more people at a time, it is actually cheaper to buy the card than to pay the usual price.)

Me: “Hello! How many of you are traveling today?”

Customer: “Five of us and the car.”

Me: Great! Hey, would you like to save some money today? We have this card and—”

Customer: “No! No card! Don’t sell me anything!”

Me: “I understand, sir. But if you load $95 on this card, it’s actually cheaper than the $120 dollars I will be charging you normally. You see it’s a discount card and-”

Customer: “No! I said no! Don’t you people listen? Always trying to sell me crap. Just give me a ticket!”

Me: “Okay then. That will be $120 instead of the $95 for a ticket. No problem.”

Customer’s Wife: “What?!” *smacks husband’s arm and glares* “Will you listen to her?”

Customer: *sheepishly* “Oh… uh… wait. Maybe we will take that card thing.”

Me: “Right away, sir…” 

He Is Twice The Man

| Orlando, FL, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Top

(For the Halloween season, we’re running several horror houses, which aren’t otherwise open throughout the year. Light-up devices aren’t allowed inside any of the houses, and as a queue supervisor, I’ve been warning people of this via a cute spiel I made up.)

Me: “There are no light-up devices allowed inside. It will make it easier to find you, and you will be eaten alive most violently!”

(At this point, a guest, who seems to have had both legs amputated and is in a wheelchair, speaks up.)

Guest: “But I’ve already been half-eaten!”

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