Very Green With The Green Fingers

| Leeds, England, UK | Right | November 3, 2015

(I work in a garden centre for a major DIY retailer.)

Customer: *in a posh accent* “Excuse me, do you sell reverse osmosis water…”

Me: “N—”

Customer: “Or distilled water?”

Me: “No, sorry, we don’t. What do you want it for?”

Customer: “Well, I have a house plant and I have read that they do not like tap water.”

Me: “That’s right; they prefer rain water. You could just harvest that.”

Customer: “How would I do that?!”

Me: *stifling a face/palm* “Well… we have water butts over there, buckets on aisle [number], or you could even use one of those pots you’re holding in your hand.”

Customer: “Oh, great, can you direct me to the compost for my house plant?”

Me: “Of course, come this way… What kind of house plant do you have?”

Customer: “One with lots of leaves.”

Shouldn’t Count On A Discount

| Long Island, NY, USA | Right | November 3, 2015

Customer: “[My Name] always gives me a deal on these.”

Me: “I’m [My Name].”

Customer: “Are you sure? Is there another [My Name]?”

Me: “No, I’m the only one. Yes, I’m sure that’s my name.”

Customer: “…So, can I get a discount?”

You Ain’t Comin’ Back

| Right | November 2, 2015

retail12done

The Wrong Supermarket For Super Hackers

| Saranac Lake, NY, USA | Right | November 2, 2015

(It is the early 1990s. It is my last week of work at the only department store in town and we are just rolling out the first UPC scanners in the store. This is new technology at the time and understandably sometimes things scanned wrong. After a third item rings up at the incorrect price:)

Customer: “You are making things ring up wrong on purpose just so you can pocket the extra money!”

Me: “Believe me, lady, if I knew how to hack the computer system here to change the prices I wouldn’t be working here!”

Causing An Infraction

| Nashville, TN, USA | Right | November 2, 2015

(As at many restaurants in the South, we have extremely sweet iced tea. It is common for guests to order “1/2 & 1/2 tea.”)

Me: “What would you like to drink?”

Guest: “I want some 1/2 & 1/2 tea, but I want more sweet than unsweet.”

Me: “That’s not how fractions work…”

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