Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 6

| San Antonio, TX, USA | Family & Kids

(I’m a lifeguard at a large pool in San Antonio. We don’t allow anyone who can’t swim to jump from the diving boards. This particular day, we have two parties, both 40 people large. A young girl is about to jump off the board and has already been told she cannot be in the pool, due to inappropriate swimwear. Her mother approaches me.)

Mother: “Excuse me, would you mind keeping an eye on my daughter?”

Me: “Don’t worry, ma’am, it’s my job to watch her, but if I remember correctly, your daughter’s already been told not to get in the pool. She’s not wearing a swimsuit.”

Mother: “Oh, don’t worry, she’ll only go off once. Just watch her. She can’t swim.”

(I proceed to blow my whistle and tell the girl to step down. When she walks over, the mother is absolutely livid.)

Me: “Your daughter’s been told already ma’am. She shouldn’t even be in the pool. Besides that, we don’t allow anyone that can’t swim to go off the boards.”

Mother: “Are you f***ing kidding me?! This is f***ing ridiculous! All you have to do is watch my f***ing daughter go off the board and make sure she doesn’t drown. How hard is your godd*** job?! Where’s your manager?!”

(My manager is called over and I explain the situation.)

Manager: *to the mother* “Let me get this straight: you want my guard to be ready to save your daughter, who can’t swim, instead of just now allowing her off the board, like he’s trained to do?”

Mother: *blank stare*

Manager: “Just leave.”

Related:
Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 5
Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 4
Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 3
Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 2
Dim Witted And Off The Deep End

Scan-dalous

| Kerang, Victoria, Australia | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque

(I’m working a cash register at a supermarket.)

Me: “G’day, how’s it going?”

Customer: “Yeah, pretty good, thanks.”

(I begin to scan her items.)

Me: “So do you have any plans for the rest of your day?”

Customer: “Yeah, I hope to get laid for the first time in three years!”

(I look over to see she had amongst her groceries: several punnets of strawberries, dipping chocolate, oysters, condoms, and personal lubricant.)

Customer: *beaming*

(I return to scanning her items in silence. She pays and gathers her items.)

Me: “Have a great night.”

Customer: “Oh, believe me, I will!”

You’ve Got To Be Kitten Me

| USA | Language & Words

(Two of my coworkers both speak Irish fluently. I’ve picked up a few phrases from them. They are having a conversation in Irish when this happens. Please note: the female coworker has a medical condition where she twitches.)

Customer: “EXCUSE ME! How DARE you?!”

Female Coworker: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Apologize to me, immediately!”

Female Coworker: “I’m sorry ma’am, what’s the problem?”

Customer: “You were just talking about me! I heard my name! [Name]!”

Male Coworker: “You mean [Irish word]?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Female Coworker: *twitches* “I am sorry for the confusion, ma’am. In Irish, [word] means ‘kitten’. We were talking about the kitten my neighbor just bought his daughter.”

Customer: “No! I know it was my name!”

(The customer starts screaming bloody murder, so I approach.)

Me: “Is there something I can help with?”

Customer: “They were insulting me in some… some HEATHEN SPEAK!” *points at my female coworker* “And THAT ONE is possessed or something! She won’t stop twitching!”

(Suddenly, the customer swings her purse violently at us, but thankfully none of us are hit.)

Me: *to my employees* “Are you okay?!”

Female Coworker: “I’m fine. And yourself?”

(The customer screws up her face, balls up her fists and starts screaming again. She wouldn’t stop, so I had to have her arrested and taken out of the store.)

Common Courtesies: Not For Commoners, Part 2

| New York, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Wild & Unruly

(A couple and their 5-year-old child comes into my 20 items or less lane. However, they have a large, overflowing cart with clearly more than 20 items.)

Me: “Hi, I’m sorry but are you aware this lane is 20 items or less?”

Customer: “Does it matter? Take care of us!”

(The customer starts unloading her items on the tiny counter. Meanwhile, her child is standing in the cart and starts throwing things.)

Me: *to the customer’s child* “Alright, sweetie, please don’t throw things.”

Customer: “Excuse me? Don’t you dare tell my kid what to do!”

Me: “Ma’am, he’s throwing things. He could hurt—”

(At this point the kid hefts up a very large can of broth and throws it at me, hitting me in the face.)

Customer’s Child: *laughs*

Customer: “Oh! Isn’t he cute?! Good job sweetie! We don’t treat these people nice. It’s good to learn early to make them shut up!”

(Another cashier took over for me so I could attend to my injuries, but before security could get there they had left the store. Thankfully nothing was broken, but I had a pretty bashed up looking face for a while!)

Related:
Common Courtesies: Not For Commoners

Someone Needs To Boof-riend Him

| Illinois, USA | Language & Words, Pets & Animals

(A man approaches me while I’m at my register.)

Customer: “Excuse me; I have a question.”

Me: “Sure, what can I help you with?”

Customer: “What does ‘boof’ mean?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “‘Boof.’ You guys have a bumper sticker that says ‘boof.'”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I have no idea what ‘boof’ means.”

Customer: “The sticker is just dumb. It says, ‘My dog is my ‘boof.'”

Me: “Oh! ‘My dog is my BFF!'”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s what I said.”

Me: “It’s an abbreviation, sir. It means ‘best friends forever.'”

Customer: “Well, that’s dumb. How stupid do you have to be to have a dog as your best friend?!”

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