He’s No Slim Jim

| Louisiana, USA | Awesome Customers, Top

(I’m talking to a regular I’ve known since I was a kid—let’s just call him Jim—who is leaning against our drink counter and drinking a cappuccino. Note: “Jim” is 5’10 and a little over 200lbs, most of which is muscle from working on a logging crew. I notice there’s a smudge on my glasses so I take them off and begin wiping them on my shirt. Right at that moment, a customer walks in. I always greet my customers, so I squint at the person to make them out since I’m not wearing my glasses.)

Me: “Good evening, sir.”

Customer: “Well, you don’t have to give me such a dirty look!”

Me: “What dirty look?”

Customer: “When I walked in the door, you gave me a nasty look as if I was s*** on the bottom of your shoe!”

Me: “No, I was squinting at you ’cause I couldn’t see.” *I point at my glasses* “I’m practically blind without these, and there was something on them. I was cleaning them when you walked in, so I had to squint to see you.”

Customer: “Hmph! You’re just making excuses! You think you’re better than me, but you’re nothing but trash! Only trash works in places like this!”

(At this point, Jim decides to speak up in my defense. Note that Jim has a VERY thick country-boy accent.)

Jim: “You’d better apologize to her right now, mister.”

Customer: “What?! What’d you say?”

(Jim speaks slowly and clearly this time, so that his accent is less apparent.)

Jim: “I said you’d better apologize to her right now.” *crosses his arms over his chest* “If you don’t, I’m gonna put my work boot up your a** and you’re gonna have to have it surgically removed!”

Customer: *turns ash white* “I’m sorry, miss!” *leaves without buying anything*

Indiscriminate Discrimi-Nation

| Chicago, USA | Bigotry

(I work in a call center as a supervisor. I overhear this conversation.)

Representative: “Thank you for holding. This is [Pakistani name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I’m sorry, what is your name?”

Representative: “[Pakistani name], sir.”

Customer: “Where are you located?”

Representative: “In Chicago, sir.”

Customer: “Are you sure you’re not in India? You sound like you’re Indian.”

(Note: the rep was born and raised in Chicago and is the son of an English father and Pakistani mother. He has no accent whatsoever.)

Representative: “Sir, I am certain we are in Chicago.”

Customer: “I want to talk to an American! I don’t want to talk to someone in India.”

Representative: “Sir, I was born and raised in the US. My parents are English and Pakistani, not Indian.”

Customer: “I want to talk to someone in America!”

Representative: “Sir, again I can assure you: you are talking to an American in America.”


Representative: “Sir, I am an American.”

Customer: “I know you people are in India! I’m complaining to my company that they outsourced us to you!” *hangs up*


| New Zealand | Health & Body, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I am currently going through medical school and working at a nearby hardware store part-time to help pay the bills. As part of study, students have been given internships at various local hospitals. Note: New Zealanders pride themselves on their DIY skills.)

Customer: “Hey mate, I need some stuff to build a deck. Can ya help me find it?”

Me: “Certainly, what were you after?”

(As per our instruction, after recommending the tools and materials the customer would need, I am required to point out various safety gear as well. All has been going great so far…)

Me: “May I also recommend that you grab some safety glasses? They could save you a lot of trouble if things happen to go wrong.”

Customer: *suddenly hostile* “Look, mate, I don’t need any of this s***! I know how it needs to be done. Any real man does! If you were a real man, you’d know too. I ain’t paying for any s*** I don’t need!”

(He eventually leaves, but not before complaining to customer service about me. Three days later while working at the hospital as a medical student, I take the same customer’s history. The reason: he had a splinter lodged in the side of his eye. I wish I was making this up!)

No Need To Drive This Deal Home

| Illinois, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Money, Top

(I have just brought a middle-aged couple back from a test drive. We are going over the price of the car.)

Me: “With your trade and money down, we’re looking at about $400 per month for the base model, and $440 per month fully-loaded.”

Husband: “But we only wanted to spend $500 to $550 or more per month!”

Me: “…Excuse me?”

Wife: “Like he said, we’re looking to spend no more than $550.”

Me: “Well, yes. Even if you get the fully loaded model, it’s far under $500 per month.”

Husband: “NO! What part of ‘$500 per month’ don’t you understand?”

Me: “Not a problem, sir. I definitely think we can make the numbers work for you at $500 per.”

Wife: “Much better. We’ll take it, then!”

Disin-jean-ous Or Just Un-capris-hending

| Sydney, Australia | Uncategorized

Customer: “Can you tell me if this pair of pants is discounted?”

(I scan the pants.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but these are full price.”

Customer: “But that sign says, ‘40% Off Jackets and Vests’!” *looks at me expectantly*

Me: “Yes, I can see that.”

Customer: “Then these pants must be 40% off!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s 40% off jackets and vests.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “Pants aren’t jackets nor vests.”

Customer: “Really?!” *walks away, perplexed*

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