Needs Glasses To See The Irony

| Cornwall, England, UK | Health & Body

(I work for a large chain opticians. One of our main competitors has a store three doors down.)

Customer: “I have an appointment. My name is [Name].”

Me: “Can I take your date of birth as well. I can’t seem to find your name on screen.”

Customer: “It’s [date]. I know I have an appointment in five minutes with Mr. [Name].”

Me: “We don’t have anyone here with that name and I can’t find you in our customer list. Are you sure the appointment isn’t with [Competitor]?”

Customer: “Just because I need the test doesn’t make me blind! I know where my appointment is and I have the card to prove it!”

(The customer throws his appointment card on the desk. It becomes immediately clear that he is supposed to be three doors down.)

Me: “I’m sorry, Mr [Name]. That is [Competitor]’s card. You need to go there.”

Customer: “Don’t give me that. I know where I am! Just because you’ve redecorated in the last week doesn’t mean you can pull the wool over my eyes.”

Me: “I assure you, sir. You are in [My Opticians’]. This happens all the time.”

Customer: “No! I want to speak to your manager! How dare you refuse to see me! I’ve been a customer of Mr [Name]’s for years and—”

(The customer looks closely at my uniform and the large logo on my shirt.)

Customer: “Why didn’t you tell me I was in the wrong place? I’m going to be late because of you!” *runs out*

A Bona-Fido Idiot

| UK | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

(I work for an animal charity. I am out in the local community promoting responsible dog ownership.)

Me: “So is your dog neutered then?”

Customer: “Sorry?”

Me: “Sorry, madam. Is your dog neutered?”

(The customer stares blankly.)

Colleague: “Madam, has your dog been castrated?”

(The customer continues to stare blankly.)

Me: “Has he been ‘done’?”

Customer: “Oh, yeah. He did have an operation on his ears a few weeks ago…”

Trying To Use Yards Is Too Much Of A Feet For Some

| Gladstone, MO, USA | Crazy Requests, Home Improvement, Math & Science

(I am picking up some fabric at a large craft store. I am waiting in line to have it cut. A very loud customer cuts in front of everyone to ask about a bolt of fabric she’s carrying.)

Customer #1: “How much is this fabric?”

Employee: “It’s $9.99 per yard, ma’am.”

Customer #1: “I don’t want to know how much per yard. I want to know how much per foot!”

Employee: “That would be a third of a yard. So, it would be $3.33.”

Customer #1: “No! Not one third of a yard! ONE FOOT! How much per foot does it cost?!”

(Another customer in line decides to interject.)

Customer #2: “One third of a yard is a foot. Three feet make one yard. So it’s $3.33 per foot.”

Customer #1: “Who asked you!? You don’t even work here! What do you f****** know?!”

Employee: “Ma’am, please watch your language. Also, [Customer #2] is correct. Now if you’ll please take a number, I’ll help you when it’s your turn.”

(Customer #1 throws the bolt of fabric on the counter.)

Customer #1: “I’ll need two five-foot pieces for my curtains. Exactly five foot. I measured twice!”

Employee: “Ma’am, you need to take a number. All of these people were here before you.”

(All the other customers agree that the employee should just go ahead and help the customer so that she will leave.)

Employee: “Okay. You want three and one third yards in two pieces. So, that would be one yard and .65 of a yard.”

(The employee mumbles to herself as she tries to figure out how much the last .65 would be.)

Customer #1: “No! I’m not paying for yards! I f****** want two pieces of fabric, five-feet long each! Why is that so hard for you to understand!?”

Customer #2: “Because, you stupid cow, fabric is sold by the yard, not by the foot! So her measurements are by the yard. That’s how she has to price it. By the way, if your windows are exactly 5 ft tall, how are you going to hem them and run a curtain rod through them?”

Customer: “I’m not going to sew them. Not that it’s any of your f****** business! I’m going to cut holes in them and run those little plastic rings through the holes.”

(Sure enough, the customer has two packs of white plastic SHOWER rings in her cart, and a long pressure SHOWER rod.)

Customer #2: “Those are for a shower curtains! But, sure; you do that. I’m sure it will look freaking spectacular with your ghetto neon purple curtains.”

(The employee starts unrolling the fabric and measures out the pieces. Then she folds it up and prints the label which she then pins to the fabric.)

Customer #1: “ARGH! You’ve just f****** ruined it! Now it has a pinhole in it! I’m not paying for that! You cut me two new pieces and don’t put no d*** pins in it!”

(At this, yet another customer feels the need to interject.)

Customer #3: “Oh, my god, lady! There won’t be any holes in it! That’s fleece! They always put a pin in the label to hold it on there!”

(The customer storms off, taking the fabric with her. As I’m as seamstress for a local renaissance festival, I’m in this store quite a lot. I witness the customer in there again three days later. She is complaining to a manager about the width of the fabric for her curtains, which now have holes cut in the top and those little shower rings put through.)

Customer #1: “This fabric is not wide enough! She cut it the wrong way!”

Manager: “Ma’am, first off we do not do returns on cut fabric unless it was not cut to your measurements. And second, that fabric was not cut in width, it was cut in length. It comes 45 inches wide on the bolt.”

Customer #1: “Well, I don’t want it 45 inches wide. I want it wider! So it will hang right on the walls.”

Manager: “Ma’am, as I’ve said, it only comes in 45 inches wide. I can’t help you with that. It was already cut, AND you’ve cut holes in it.”

Customer #1: “No, no. The woman cut it sideways! I watched her do it! She just didn’t know what she was doing. She didn’t even know how to do feet, she wanted to do it in yards.”

Me: *to the manager* “Miss, I saw the whole thing the other day. The employee definitely cut it properly, and exactly how this customer wanted it. And, yes, she measured it in feet after the customer insisted she do so.”

Customer #1: “No one is f****** talking to you, b****!”

Manager: “Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Please do not come back to this store. Ever!”

Customer #1: “You’re f****** right, I’m not coming back! You pieces of s*** don’t know how to cut s*** properly!”

(Customer #1 throws the fabric in the trash on the way out the door, while mumbling about employees with their head up their a**. The manager pulls the fabric out of the trash.)

Manager: “Does anyone want three yards of neon purple fleece fabric with shower curtain rings!?”