Not Harnessing The Brain Waves

| NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Tourists/Travel

(I work at guest services aboard a cruise ship that does 5-day cruises to Canada. We get pretty wacky questions sometimes. A man comes up to the desk.)

Guest: “Excuse me, I have a question.”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

Guest: “Where does the water in the pools come from?”

Me: “We actually convert seawater into freshwater and put it into the pools.”

Guest: “Oh, so that’s why the water’s splashing so much!”

Bull-Only Sandwich

| Aberdeen, Scotland, UK | Food & Drink, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I’m a cashier at a fairly small sandwich shop in my city. I’m on duty at the same time as one of my coworkers, who is also my friend. She stands 5’9″ and is very slim with pink hair. She looks like a doll. A rather large guy comes in; he wants a sandwich with an obscene number of exotic and special items.)

Customer: “I want a large pumpernickel sandwich, with black forest ham, avocado, shrimp, caramelized onions, pine nuts, basil, honey-glazed salmon and dragon fruit. And I want it now, so get a move on!”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, that sounds delicious, but I’m afraid we only do quite basic sandwiches here. You’d need somewhere special for that order.”

Customer: “F*** that! I need to be back at work soon and I want my d*** sandwich! Call yourself a business, denying me my food like that! I’m reporting you unless you serve me right now! Now make me my sandwich!”

Coworker: “Okay, I get that you’re angry about this, but I really can’t do anything about this. The only parts of that order we could do are the onions and the shrimp. Apart from that, we just don’t stock the ingredients. Now, either please order something else or leave. You’re holding up everyone else.”

Customer: “I don’t believe this. Make me my food right now or I’m coming back there to kick your a** till you do as I said!”

(My coworker is now quite annoyed, as it’s been a long day.)

Coworker: “Number one, threats aren’t going to help you. I can’t make it because we don’t have the ingredients, not because I don’t want to. Number two, if you come back here it’s not going to end well, do you understand me?”

Customer: “If I come back there you can’t do a d*** thing to stop me! I know my rights and I want my food!”

Coworker: “Please don’t come back here. If you get violent, it will be unpleasant for you.”

Customer: “What, you think you can do anything to me? You think you can kick my a**, barbie? Nobody believes that.”

(I’ve been eavesdropping from further down the counter. I’m a pretty big guy, 6’4”, and I’m in good shape. I see this as my cue to lean over.)

Me: “I believe her.”

Customer: “Oh yeah? And who the f*** are you? Another a**hole who’s going to refuse me my food?”

Me: “I was thinking more a black sash in Lethwei, a competitor in both Eskrima and Sambo, and if you’re familiar with the local circuit I’m the latest MMA champion. And yes, I’m refusing your food.”

Customer: “I wasn’t talking to you though, was I? I was talking to her.”

Me: “I know. In fact, please do come back here and try to fight her. I need a laugh.”

(Upon my saying this, the customer looks surprised and confused.)

Me: “See, what I probably should have mentioned is she’s the one who helps me train for all that stuff I mentioned. She wins about half the time. Please try and fight her? Youtube needs a new hit.”

(The customer blusters a bit more before backing down and huffing his way out of the shop, still threatening. I wasn’t lying: she would have wiped the floor with him!)

The Holy Twi-Light

| Norfolk, VA, USA | Family & Kids, Religion

(I am teaching a children’s Bible Study lesson on the sons of Isaac.)

Me: “So the first twin’s name was Esau, which means hairy. And his brother came out holding onto his heel, and his parents named him Jacob.”

Girl #1: “Like the werewolf in Twilight?”

Girl #2: “Why did they name him Jacob? Does it mean ‘holding heels’ or something?”

Me: “Uh… hold on.”

(I go to the back of the room to look in the Bible, and see if it mentions why they chose the name Jacob.)

Girl #1: “Jacob is like the name from Twilight!”

Me: “Please don’t mention that book around me.”

Girl #3: “Do you like Twilight, Miss [my name]?”

Me: “No, I do not!”

Girl #1: “Why not?”

(I open my mouth to answer, but…)

Boy: “Because it’s BAD!”

All Sighs Point To No

| MD, USA | Uncategorized

(A lady calls and complains to our store.)

Me: “Good Afternoon, [name of store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I would like to speak with a manager!”

Me: “Sure, no problem!”

Manager: “Hello, this is [name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I was just in your store eating my lunch in your little cafe, and your cashier on register #11 offended me.”

Manager: “I’m sorry, ma’am. What did she do to offend you?”

Customer: “She yawned.”

Manager: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “She yawned, and I was so offended that I could not eat my lunch. She should not be paid to just stand there and yawn.”

Manager: “Uhm…” *dumbfounded*

Customer: “I did not want to say anything to her because she was very large.”

Manager: “Okay ma’am, I will tell her to stop yawning and to get more sleep at night.”

Customer: “Thank you so much!” *hangs up*

No IQ For IV

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Language & Words

(I work at a video store. A customer is on the far side of the store and yells out to me. He does not hold up the DVD.)

Customer: “Hey man, which Saw is this?”

Me: “Well, what does it say on the cover?”

Customer: “It doesn’t say anything!”

(I walk over to the customer and immediately recognise the problem.)

Me: “That would be Saw 4, sir. ‘IV’ means four.”

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