Wined And Dined And Fined

| Chicago, IL, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Food & Drink, Money, Top

(I wait tables at a popular Chicago Italian restaurant that gets a lot of traffic from Cubs fans on game day. Another waitress has a table full of young men who have come down from an affluent suburb to see the game. They’re very friendly, and charming, and drinking up a storm. She drops their check, and goes to serve another customer and comes back to find that they’ have ‘dined and dashed.’ We are required to cover our tickets, so she is now $100+ in the hole, and starts trying to pick up a later shift so she doesn’t lose money. A few other waiters head over to the bar where we usually go after our shifts. One comes back, bursting with excitement.)

Waiter: “Those guys who stiffed you are all drinking at the bar!”

(Our restaurant also happens to be a popular cop hangout. One of our regulars, a 6’9″ fierce-looking cop, who is sitting in the poor waitress’s station at that very moment, speaks up.)

Cop: “Can you take care of her tables for a moment?”

(The cop takes the waitress down the street to the bar, with several of us following to see the fun, and storms up to the group of young men.)

Cop: “Gentlemen, I believe you forgot to take care of something this evening.”

(Horrified, the young men frantically dig through their pockets and start throwing money at her. She ends up with a 50 percent tip!)

Inspecting Can Be Very Faxing

Whitehorse, YT, Canada | Crazy Requests, Theme Of The Month, Transportation

(The phone rings in the service department.)

Caller: “I was wondering if you guys do vehicle inspections for imported cars and trailers?”

Me: “Yes, we sure do.”

Caller: “Well, I have a bit of a problem. I live about four hours away and I have a trailer that I brought up from the USA. I have all the paperwork but I haven’t had the inspection for registering it in Canada done yet. I forgot to get it done when I brought it through the city a couple of weeks ago.”

Me: “We can do it anytime Monday through Friday. The inspection should only take a couple of minutes.”

Caller: “Yeah that’s the problem. I really don’t have time to get the trailer to the city before the 30 day permit expires. Do you guys need to see the actual trailer before you can do the paperwork?”

Me: “Yes, we have to see the actual trailer.”

Caller: “Can you just fill in the paperwork and fax it to me?”

Me: “We have to actually inspect the trailer. We also need all the paperwork to register the trailer in Canada.”

Caller: “But what if I just fax you the paperwork, can you just fill it in and fax it back to me? I don’t have the time to take the trailer to the city, that’s gonna cost me a whole day. It would be great if I could just fax the paperwork to you.”

Me: “We have to inspect the actual trailer and we need the original paperwork.”

Caller: “Why!?”

Me: “Because we can’t inspect a fax!”

Caller: *click*

Making A Monumental Mistake

| Washington, DC, USA | Crazy Requests, Theme Of The Month, Tourists/Travel

(The Washington Monument is currently under construction due to an earthquake in 2011. It’s covered from top to bottom in scaffolding as workers make repairs. The ticket booth where you would normally buy tickets to ride the elevator to the top is, obviously, closed. I am walking by one day, and I notice a woman with three children standing at the booth, carrying a lot of tourist merchandise, and looking around in a semi-panic. She sees a park maintenance employee, and waves him over.)

Tourist: “Sir! Sir!”

Employee: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

Tourist: “I’m trying to buy tickets for the Washington Monument, but there’s no one here.”

Employee: “Well, ma’am, the Monument is closed right now.”

Tourist: “No, no. The ticket booth is closed, but I want to buy tickets.”

Employee: “Sorry, I think you misunderstood. The monument is closed to the public for repairs. I don’t know when it will re-open, but it won’t be for a very long time.”

Tourist: “I can see the booth is closed, and I resent your condescending tone!”

Employee: “I meant no tone, ma’am. But the booth is closed because the Monument is closed.”

Tourist: “I’ll make this easy on you. I… want to go… up… there!”

(At this point, I have to step in and help this poor fellow who’s working outside in the heat and humidity and getting harassed by this crazy tourist and her now-crying children.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but maybe I can help here. The monument…” *I point at it* “…is closed and under construction. No one is allowed to go inside because it’s unsafe.”

Tourist: “What are you talking about? I see people up there right now!”

Me: “Those are construction workers.”

Tourist: “I don’t care who they are. I just want to buy some tickets. We traveled a long way to get here and I promised my children they could go up there!”

Me: “Well, maybe you should have checked before you got here.”

(She pulls out an old, beaten-up tourist map from her purse and waves it in my face.)

Tourist: “This said I could buy tickets!”

Me: “Right. Well, this map is from 2005. See? It has a picture of President Bush on it.”

Tourist: “Don’t you dare blame him! This is all Obama’s fault!”