Not Quite The Pizza Of My Eye

| USA | Food & Drink

(I work at a restaurant that sells pizzas that have been “kissed by the flame,” meaning they are cooked in a wood-fired oven. An older gentleman comes up to me at the cash register.)

Customer: “So, are you going to kiss my pizza?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “It says the pizzas are kissed!”

Me: “Oh! That is just the way we cook them. They’re made in a brick oven over a fire.”

Customer: “Darn it! I was looking forward to something special tonight!”

A Lose-Snooze Situation

, | Vancouver, Canada | Technology

Customer: *rushes into the store* “I need a battery.”

Me: “Sure, what type of battery do you need?”

Customer: “It’s for my home alarm system. It’s not working because the battery is dead.”

Me: “Okay, do you know what size or type of battery it uses?”

(I show him the various sizes: AA, AAA, C, 9 Volt, etc.)

Customer: “I don’t know. These all look the same.”

Me: “Could you bring in the one that is not working and I will match it up with the correct one to ensure you purchase the correct one?”

Customer: “You mean, bring the dead battery here?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “I can’t do that! It’s for my alarm system. If I take the battery out, it won’t work. The battery is dead, so my alarm is not working!” *leaves*

And A Pound Of Pronunciation, Please

| USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words

(Note: we sell almost any kind of vegetables at our grocery store.)

Customer: *checks a list* “A pound of [incomprehensible], please.”

Me: “Could you repeat that, please?”

Customer: “A pound of [incomprehensible]!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, never heard of [incomprehensible].”

Customer: *angrily* “[Incomprehensible]! You call yourself a grocery?!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, we don’t have it!”

Customer: “I’ll never come back here again!” *leaves grumbling*

(An hour later, he returns.)

Customer: *apologetic smile* “Couldn’t read my handwriting. A pound of roast beef, please.”

That’s One Shell Of A Cat-astrophe

| Michigan, USA | Pets & Animals

Me: “Welcome to [business name]. How can I help you?”

Couple: “We need a carpet cleaner. We saw this one in the ad.”

Me: “It’s right over here.” *takes them to the cleaner*

Couple: “We have cat vomit everywhere.”

Me: “Well, this should help. Here are some of its features—”

Couple: “We can’t even have company over. It’s embarrassing. There is so much cat vomit on the floor!”

Me: “Well, this one over here has better brushes.” *demonstrates another product*

Couple: “If our landlord were to see it, we’d get evicted. There is so much cat vomit!”

Me: “Well, this model is what I recommend.” *still showing features*

Couple: “…and the cats drag their meat all over the house.”

Me: “…I’m sorry?”

Couple: “We feed them raw meat, and they keep dragging it all over the house. It gets in the carpet!”

Me: “Wow. Yeah, this should help get that out.”

Couple: “We’ll take it. What sort of soap can we use with this?”

Me: “It doesn’t matter; it doesn’t have to be the same brand. Here’s some.” *shows them some soap*

Couple: “Is that going to be safe for our turtle?”

Me: “Huh?”

Couple: “We also have a turtle that we let roam around. This soap won’t hurt him, will it?”

The DST Fairy Bids Thee Good Morning

| Grapevine, TX, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Math & Science

(I am working in guest care at a hotel. It’s the morning after “springing forward”, and a guest calls down to ask the time.)

Guest: “What’s the current local time?”

Me: “It is 7:45 AM.”

Guest: “Then why does my clock say that time already? Did you send a maid into my room while I was sleeping to set my clock forward?! That is just unacceptable!”

Me: “Sir, the rooms all have atomic clocks that are automatically set by satellite signal.”

Guest: *click*

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