Contextual Innuendos

| Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Rude & Risque

(I’m at work on a Saturday with a clerk and a pharmacist. I notice the clerk speaking with an elderly woman out front but don’t think much of it. A few minutes later, the clerk comes back with a strange expression on her face and tells me I have to go help the woman.)

Me: “What can I help you with?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a vibrator.”

Me: “A…vibrator?”

Customer: “Yes. I had one, but I used it too much and it wore out.”

Me: “I don’t think we have anything like that. Where did you buy the first one?”

Customer: “At another pharmacy, but I want one with a long handle so it can reach better.”

(At this point I’m biting the inside of my cheek in an effort not to laugh.)

Me: “What kind of vibrator are you looking for, exactly?”

Customer: “You know! One of those that rub your feet!”

Me: “OH! Sorry, we don’t have anything like that.”

Must Have Been The Funny Farm

| Nanaimo, BC, Canada | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

(Note: I work in a farm supply store. In addition to selling the usual stuff like equipment, animal feed, and seed, it also sells chickens and chicks.)

Customer: “Where are your nugget chickens?”

Me: “…Pardon?”

Customer: “Your NUGGET chickens!”

Me: “I’m afraid I’m not understanding what you are looking for. Are you wanting to purchase chicks, or perhaps full grown chickens?”

Customer: “No, no, no! You know, the chickens that lay nuggets!”

Me: *puzzled expression*

Customer: “CHICKEN NUGGET CHICKENS, for crying out loud! I promised my son I’d get him one! He loves chicken nuggets!”

Me: “Ma’am, chicken nuggets are not laid by chickens. Chickens lay eggs. Nuggets are small pieces of chicken that have been breaded and baked or fried.”

Customer: “I’ll have you know, Missy, I grew up on a farm and I know what I’m talking about! Nevermind, I’ll just try the store in the next town. You’re worthless!”

Bottom-Rung Bozos

| Florida, USA | Top, Wild & Unruly

(This takes place in a small, mom-and-pop gift store. Note: I am about 7 months pregnant when this takes place.)

Customer: “Hey you, girl! I need one of those games at the top of the shelf.”

Me: “Sure, no problem, sir. Just give me a moment to finish up here and I’ll grab it.”

Customer: “Well, hurry up!”

(The customer continues to mutter about me being useless. I go to grab the ladder when my coworker, who happens to be the owner’s son, sees this.)

Coworker: *to me* “Oh hey…you don’t need to be on that ladder. I got it.”

Customer: *to coworker* “What?! No, I asked her. Let her do it!”

Coworker: “Sir, it’s not safe for her to be up there right now.”


(Note: the customer himself is extremely large.)

Coworker: “Sir, she’s pregnant, not fat.”

Customer: “Stupid b**** is just fat! You shouldn’t accommodate fatties! She’s just a fat b****! Make her do her job! STOP ACCOMMODATING THE FATTIES!”

Me: “Sir, I’m seven months pregnant, not fat, and if you continue to use vulgar language, I will have to ask you to leave.”

Customer: “You stupid b****! Do your d*** job, you stupid fat a**!”

Me: “I’m refusing you service. Please leave.”


(The owner, who has overheard the entire exchange, comes over.)

Owner: “Sir, you shouldn’t be carrying on and calling people fatties…especially pregnant women.”


Owner: “I’ll do you one better: I own this store, and if I see you in my store again, I will have you arrested for trespassing. Oh…and NO, you don’t pay her salary: I do, and I plan to give her a big raise after this.”

Customer: “SCREW YOU! You can’t talk to me this way. I’m a paying customer!”

Coworker: “Hey buddy, you just blow in from stupid town? You haven’t bought anything.”


(In his anger, he knocks down a rack of merchandise over and hauls out of the store as fast as he can.)

Coworker: “I’m going to call the police…”

(The customer was arrested less than a block away, and I got a raise.)

When Intelligences Cancel Out, Part 2

| Lawrence, KS, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

(I work as a cashier. At the checkout, the display on the cash back screen shows the amounts. Underneath is a large “No Cash Back” button, and below that in the corner is a small “Cancel” button.)

Me: “Your total is $25.88.”

Customer: “This will be debit.” *swipes card* “Oh, I hit the ‘Cancel’ button.”

Me: “That’s okay. You’ll need to swipe it again.”

Customer: “I don’t get why you can’t make this clearer! I don’t want cash back.”

Me: “Then you need to hit the button that says ‘No Cash Back’, not the ‘Cancel’ button.”

Customer: “That’s just dumb! Why don’t you make a button that just says ‘Cancel’ if you don’t want cash back?!”

When Intelligences Cancel Out

Animal, Mineral, Debatable

| Boston, MA, USA | Math & Science

(The store I worked at sells rock and mineral specimens, so it’s quite common that customers don’t know much about what they are buying. Luckily, I have a geology background, so I can explain in detail what things are.)

Customer: *points up at a piece* “What is that?”

Me: “It’s a chrysanthemum stone.”

Customer: “Well, what is that?”

Me: “It’s strontium sulfate that forms on top of a black limestone.”

Customer: “But what IS that?”

Me: “Strontium sulfate is Celestite. This is just a different form of it, but deposited on a limestone; it looks like a flower.”

Customer: “But what is THAT though? It’s not a fossil of a flower, is it?”

Me: “No, it’s a mineral on top of a limestone. Limestones are a fine-grained sedimentary rock. The crystallization just makes it looks like a flower.”

Customer: “So it’s a rock on top of another rock?”

Me: “Not technically, but sort of…I don’t know how to explain it simpler than that.”

Customer: “So, it’s two rocks in one! I’ll take it.”

Me: “Okay, great. I’ll assume you want an info card on it?”

Customer: “Nah, it’s just a rock on a rock. That’s all I need to know!”

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