Don’t (Mi)Stress Over It

| Canberra, ACT, Australia | Right | July 8, 2014

(Most of the clients are 18-year-old girls getting their navels done or university students wanting unusual cartilage piercings. It is a really friendly place with a good reputation. I get a call:)

Caller: “Hello? I was wondering if your studio has specific facilities?”

Me: “I’d be happy to help, sir. What kind of facilities—”

Caller: *cuts me off* “DON’T CALL ME SIR.” *in deadly serious whisper* “Call me mistress.”

Me: “Ah… yes, mistress?”

Caller: “That’s better. Is the studio sound-proof?”

Me: “No, mistress. I can’t say that it is.”

Caller: “I see. Does it have restraints?”

(The man in question goes on to ask an increasingly creepy list of demands. It turns out he’s a professional dominatrix and apparently people pay money to live with him and be his ‘slaves.’ Needless to say we weren’t what he was looking for, so I suggested he contact a few establishments located in the ‘sex industry’ areas of the city, who might be able to help.)

Me: “… anyway, mistress, to sum up for you, we just don’t do that sort of thing here. I hope [Other Business Names] will be able to assist you.”

Caller: *absolutely delighted* “Oh, you have been so helpful! Please, call me by my Christian name: Mistress Alexi!”

Boss: *after telling her all about it* “I’m pretty open-minded, but no way in h*** is there anything Christian about that!”

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Brain Unplugged

| Canada | Right | July 7, 2014

(The caller is having a problem with his Internet connection that can be fixed by restarting the modem. He says he already did, and needs a tech to come out, but I can see the modem hasn’t been turned off in a very long time.)

Me: “I’ll just have you unplug the modem for me right now, okay?”

Caller: “Okay, it’s unplugged.”

Me: “Okay, I can see the modem and it’s still online with us, so something else has been unplugged. It’s the skinny black wire coming out of the back of the modem. You can pull it right out of the back there; can you do that now for me please?”

Caller: “Okay, it’s unplugged.”

Me: “Are you sure? I can see it’s still online with us. Are there any lights lit up on the modem?”

Caller: “Yeah, there’s a bunch and two of them are flashing.”

Me: “Okay, well, the modem doesn’t have any batteries in there so it’s still getting power from somewhere. Can you please pull that skinny black cord right out of the back of the modem? It’ll pull right out.”

Caller: “Yeah, it’s unplugged.”

Me: “You pulled that skinny black cord out?”

Caller: “Yeah, yeah, it’s unplugged.”

Me: “And what are the lights doing?”

Caller: “They’re the same. Still two flashing.”

Me: “And you pulled out that cord, did you?”

Caller: “Yeah, it’s unplugged!”

Me: “That doesn’t seem possible for it to be getting electricity when it’s not plugged in.”

(I can see perfectly well it’s still online and know he hasn’t unplugged it, but it’s not a type I can reboot from my end.)

Caller: “Yeah, I told you. My Internet doesn’t work! Now can you please send me a tech?”

Me: “Well, something certainly does seem to be wrong. The next appointment I have is in… three days.”

Caller: “That’s fine. Thanks.”

(I go ahead and book the tech, who will come out and get it online by unplugging it for a few seconds. For that, the caller has to wait for three days, when he could have just done what I told him to and been online again immediately!)

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A Strange Site To Behold

| GA, USA | Right | July 7, 2014

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Do you ship?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, off of our website.”

Caller: “What is your website? I’ve been looking all over for it and I can’t find it.”

Me: “May I ask how you got our number, ma’am?”

Caller:  “Off of your website.”

Me: “But how could you get our number off of our website if you can’t find our website?”

Caller:  *hangs up*

(What a way to start the day…)

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Stupidity Can Accumulate

, | ON, Canada | Right | July 7, 2014

(I am working as a cashier. A customer comes up with a large order, which I ring up.)

Me: “All right, sir, your total comes to $2000.”

(The customer swipes his card and enters his account information and pin. It’s declined.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, your card was declined.”

Customer: “No, it wasn’t! I have lots of money in this account! Try it again!”

(I try it again. Again it’s declined.)

Me: “Did you mean to hit chequing? If you meant to use your savings account, that could be why it’s declined.”

Customer: “No, I only use my chequing account!”

Me: “Well, do you have a daily limit? Some banks have that set up, so you can only spend a certain amount each day.”

Customer: “Yes, I have a $500 daily limit.”

Me: “This transaction is for $2000, sir. That’s a lot more than $500.”

Customer: “But I haven’t used this card in three days!”

Me: “It’s a DAILY limit. It resets every day.”

(I didn’t feel like explaining that, even if it was cumulative, that still wouldn’t have equaled $2000.)

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Paying Dearly

| AR, USA | Right | July 7, 2014

(I am working my second day as a cashier when an elderly customer walks up with a bundle of bananas and a drink.)

Me: “Hello, sir, and welcome to [Store]. Would you like me to match the price of these bananas, dear?”

Customer #1: “No, godd*** it!”

Me: “Okay. Not a problem. I apologize. Would like to donate anything to [Charity We Support]? ”

Customer #1: *turns away and mutters something*

Me: “Was that a yes or…”

Customer #1: “READ MY LIPS. NO. N.O. CAN’T YOU UNDERSTAND SIMPLE ENGLISH, YOU D*** BIMBO?!”

Me: *all smiles* “I’m so sorry, sir. Not a problem.”

Customer #1: “I am so f****** tired of your s***, you little b****! The people here are so godd*** stupid. Quite smiling. Your job f****** sucks.”

(He walks off cursing under his breath.)

Me: *turning to the next customer* “Hello, dear. How ar—”

Customer #1: *rushing back* “And don’t call people dear, you little tramp! I’m old enough to be your d*** grandfather and she’s a woman, you f****** lesbian!”

(At this point, I’m almost in tears because it’s my second day ever and I’ve had nothing but positive responses all day. My current customer speaks up.)

Customer #2: “Don’t listen to that old b******, honey. You’re doing great and can call me whatever you like. Now, how much can I donate to that charity you were askin’ about?”

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