Driving Himself Into A Ditch

| USA | Criminal & Illegal, Extra Stupid, Money, Transportation

(I’m at court filing documents for a client when I overhear a judge’s assistant speaking with a man waiting in the lobby behind me.)

JA: “I’m sorry, sir, but the judge isn’t willing to do anything about the towing costs.”

Defendant: “What?”

JA: “You’re going to have to pay these yourself.”

Defendant: “But… no! He can’t do that!”

JA: “Sir, there’s nothing he can do. He’s already waived all your court costs. The tow is your responsibility.”

Defendant: “But what about me going to jail over not paying these?!”

JA: “You have four outstanding warrants in three states! You were driving on a suspended license! You should have been arrested on the spot!”

Defendant: “But he has to make these go away or I’ll go to jail!”

JA: “Sir, you should BE in jail. We did not make you drive on a suspended license. I called the DMV and you’re even flagged in THEIR system! At some point you have to take responsibility for your actions. I really don’t know how you’re not in jail right now.”

Defendant: “FINE! But I’m still owed a bond by you people!”

JA: “Okay. I can get that to you, but that person is out today. Will you be in town tomorrow to pick it up or would you like me to mail it?”

Defendant: “Nah, I’ll just drive here.”

JA: “… You’ll… drive here? Yourself?”

Defendant: “Yeah, that’s what I said.”

JA: “Sir, could you please take a seat? I’m going to need to grab somebody to come talk to you.”

Defendant: “Finally!”

(The clerk and I, who had been listening in disbelief the entire time, watch as the JA walked over to the bailiff and explained the situation. I left when the handcuffs came out.)

Dealing With A Whole New Animus

| TX, USA | Bigotry, Extra Stupid, Technology

(I’m working my shift on a particularly lazy Sunday night, when two guys come in. I’m the only one out on the floor, as my other two coworkers are in the back. I greet the guys as they come in.)

Me: “Hey, guys. How are y’all doing?”

Guy #1: “Um, good. You?”

Me: “Doing great, actually. What brings you guys in here today?”

Guy #2: “Y’know, games. Are there any employees we can talk to, or—”

Me: “You are.”

Guy #1: “Girls don’t play games. Don’t lie to me.”

Guy #2: “And if you play games then list five characters from the same game.”

Me: “Connor Kenway, Haytham Kenway, Achilles, Charles Lee, and Ziio.”

Guy #1:Assassin’s Creed, huh? Who’s the main character in the first one?”

Me: “Altaïr.”

(This goes on for several minutes, and my coworker finally comes out of the back.)

Coworker: “Hey, y’all need anything?”

Guy #2: “Yeah, actually. You need to hire her or something!”

Coworker: “We did.”

Guy #1: “Oh God, I’m sorry. We were quizzing her on Assassin’s Creed. And she kinda won.”

Coworker: “Yeah, gamer girls do exist. Guys just get mad when the girl knows more about the game than they do.”

(After buying their games, the two customers leave, and my coworker and I start to close up.)

Coworker: “So that happened. Why’d he say you won?”

Me: “He thought Ezio’s close friend was Leonardo di Caprio.”

Off-Color Customers

| Sydney, NSW, Australia | Crazy Requests, Home Improvement, Theme Of The Month

(A customer comes up to me with several bathmats. I am the only staff member in a large store; my coworker is at lunch.)

Me: “Hi. Can I help you?”

Customer #1: “I need to know which of these you think will suit my bathroom.”

Me: “I have no idea what your bathroom looks like.”

Customer #1: “Well, it has…” *mutters off strange colour combination I don’t quite understand* “…and black on the floor. Which one suits my bathroom?”

(This goes back and forth for several minutes. Finally I have had enough.)

Me: *pointing to one* “That one will suit.”

Customer #1: “Are you sure? I need one for toilet, one for wash hands and one for…” *struggles to find word*

Me: “Bathtub?”

(I go and get him another set, but he is upset that there will be two contour mats for the toilet.)

Me: “You will need to wash that one more often, so two would be good.”

Customer #1: “I look for more. You come.”

Me: “No, you look. I am the only one in the store at the moment and there is another customer waiting.”

(I turn to the other customer, vainly hoping for an easy sale.)

Me: “Hi. Can I help you?”

Customer #2: “I need jersey fabric. Can you show me where it is?”

Me: “Okay. I can show you quickly. I do need to back to the counter as I am the only one on the floor right now.”

(I take her to the jersey fabrics and point them out to her.)

Customer #2: “I need five colours.”

Me: “Okay. I’ll just leave you to choose them. Bring them to the counter when you are ready.”

Customer #2: “I need your help choosing them.”

Me: “Sorry. I really need to be back at the counter, as I’ve already explained.”

Customer #2: “How long until someone comes back and you can do it?”

Me: “20 minutes.”

Customer #2: “I’ll come back.”

(I go back to the counter to find that Customer #1 is back there.)

Customer #1: *with other bathmats* “Will these suit my bathroom?”

(I eventually sell Customer #1 the two sets of mats in the colour I chose. After 20 minutes, my coworker has come back and Customer #2 comes back in.)

Customer #2: *haughtily* “Can you serve me now?”

Me: “Yes, I can. Sorry about before. That customer was really doing my head in. Do you need help finding colours?”

Customer #2: “No. I know exactly what colours I need.”

(All Customer #2 wanted me for was to hold up fabric while she ‘ummed’ and ‘ahhed’ over the colour, as well as carry the very light rolls to the counter!)