More Clueless Than Keyless, Part 2

| NY, USA | Extra Stupid

(I am working by myself at the lower level circulation desk of our library. A patron with two small children comes to check out a pile of books and hands me her key-ring with her library card on it. I scan it, hand it back, and check out her books.)

Patron: “Where are my keys? [Son], did you take my keys?”

Son: “No.”

Patron: *to me* “Did you give me my keys back?”

Me: “Yes, I did.”

(She continues looking, can’t find her keys, and begins to yell at me and at her children.)

Patron: “We are not leaving until I find my keys!”

Me: “You went to get your daughter a crayon. Might the keys be on the coloring table?”

Patron: “No! I didn’t go anywhere! They have to be here!”

(I go to check the coloring table, but I don’t see the keys. I go back and check the circulation desk again, even though I know I gave the keys back to her.)

Patron: “WHERE ARE MY KEYS?!”

(At this point, I have to help some other patrons.)

Patron: *to other patrons* “I’m sure that girl didn’t give my keys back.”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t have them. They aren’t at the desk.”

Patron: “WHERE ARE THEY?”

Me: “I don’t know.”

Patron: “This is ridiculous! This always happens down here! It’s a d*** good thing I didn’t lock the house. How would I get in without my keys!?” *to her children* “WE’RE LEAVING!”

(She drags her children upstairs to the main circulation desk. While there, she tells them that I’ve taken her keys and won’t give them back. However, while complaining, she finds her keys in her bag. Not surprisingly, she did not come back to apologize.)

Related:
More Clueless Than Keyless

History Needs Repeating

| TN, USA | History

(A customer calls, asking if we have ‘War and Peace’.)

Me: “No, we do not.”

Caller: “I want you to tell me all the titles of the books you have.”

Me: “We have over 100,000 books.”

Caller: “What types of book?”

Me: “Fiction, mystery, how-to, true crime, western, history.”

Caller: “What is history?”

Me: “Like the Civil War.”

Caller: “You mean War and Peace?”

Me: “No, like World War 2.”

Caller: “There was more than one?”

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Taking A Holiday From Reason

, | Fast Food, Restaurant | MT, USA | Bizarre, Holidays

(I am working the day before Christmas Eve. Our management has been pressing us to say ‘Happy Holidays’ so that people don’t get offended. However, sometimes I would slip up and say ‘Merry Christmas’ because of habit. I am also Wiccan, and therefore do not follow Christian practices.)

Me: “Here is your order! Have a nice day, and Merry Christmas!”

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Um… here is your order?”

Customer: “No, what you just said. You just wished me a Merry Christmas.”

Me: “Yes… yes I did?”

Customer: “How dare you! What if I didn’t believe in Christ! Do you know how offensive that would have been?! What if I was Jewish or Atheist?! You have really offended me! What do you have to say for yourself?!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I do apologize if I offended you. However, I don’t believe in Christ. I’m Wiccan. But I still celebrate Christmas because it’s a beautiful family holiday.”

(The customer goes quiet for a moment. All of a sudden she starts yelling.)

Customer: “How can you not believe in Christ?! He died for your sins on the cross! Do you have any idea what Christmas is about! It’s not about family; it is about the birth of Jesus! How dare you! I will never eat here again!”

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Got The Fraud On The Phoney

| CA, USA | Awesome Workers, Criminal & Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Top

(I work at a call center for an online store. My job includes fraud prevention. If a caller dials in to place an order that seems out of place, I let my manager know. This is one of those times.)

Me: “So, I’ve got a customer on the line here that uh… placed an order for a really expensive product. Expedited shipping. They want a tracking number for it. I’m not liking this.”

Manager: “Do the billing and shipping match?”

Me: “Nope. Completely different states, too.”

Manager: “Hmm… did they order anything before?”

Me: “Oh, yeah! They placed [order].”

(After a few minutes of silent research…)

Manager: *smiling* “Transfer them to me.”

Me: “Okay?”

(He puts it on speaker.)

Manager: “Thank you for holding. This is [Manager], manager in charge. How can I help you?”

Fraudster: “Yeah, I’m pretty mad at you guys right now. Been waitin’ for twenty godd*** minutes for a single trackin’ number! The last associate that talked to me is an incompetent b****!”

Manager: “Oh, well, I’m sorry to hear about that, sir. You mentioned that you were looking for a tracking number, is that right?”

Fraudster: “Yeah! And while you’re at it just fire the last b**** I spoke to! She’s f***ing useless as h***!”

Manager: “It’s going to be a few moments while I pull up the number. But how’re you doing?”

Fraudster: “Well… now I’m doing good. You know what you’re doing, unlike that—”

Manager: “That’s good to hear. Glad you’re not feeling guilty or anything.”

Fraudster: “For… what?”

Manager: “For the fraud orders you’ve been placing on our website.”

Fraudster: “Uh…”

Manager: “I’ll be honest with you: I know what you’re doing. I’ve known for a couple of weeks now. So, tell me, how many cards have you stolen?”

Fraudster: *scared* “Ju-just two—”

Manager: “Hmm, okay. Well, I work pretty close with [other state’s police department]. So, I’m gonna give you two choices. You can either turn yourself in like the good guy I’m sure you are. Or you can just sit there while I have them down there in a few hours, embarrassing you and your family.”

Fraudster: “O-oh, God. L-look, I—”

Manager: “I’ve got them on speed dial.”

Fraudster: “I’ll turn myself in!”

Manager: *extremely cheerful* “Oh, good. Now, what time should they expect you so I can let them know?”

Fraudster: “T-ten o’clock in the mornin’.”

Manager: “They’ll be waiting. Have yourself a good day, sir.”

(And yes, he did turn himself in!)

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Weekly Roundup: False Accusations

Not Always Right | Roundups

False Accusations! This week, we feature five stories where customers make (and get called out for making) false accusations!

  1. Where There’s Smoke (2,389 Thumbs Up)
    What do you get when you make a false accusation over a false fire alarm? A true fire!
  2. We Prefer Hipsters Over Hellcats (1,566 Thumbs Up)
    A hipster-hating customer goes nuclear… over a pair of prescription Ray-Bans.
  3. Killing One Cold Bird With Two Stores (2,969 Thumbs Up)
    A fast food patron chickens out after finding out he’s at the wrong restaurant!
  4. On Sale: Humble Pie (2,494 Thumbs Up)
    The next time this grocery customer gets prissy about price, they’ll be sure to check it twice.
  5. You’ve Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 4 (2,908 Thumbs Up)
    There are wrong numbers, and then there are profanity-laden, bomb-threatening tirades like this one!

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

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