Not Remotely Intelligent, Part 7

| KY, USA | Technology

(I am taking tech support calls for a satellite TV company.)

Me: “Thank you, sir. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “My remote isn’t working.”

Me: “I apologize for that trouble, but I am happy to help. Lets reprogram the remote, okay?”

Customer: “Okay, how do I do that?”

Me: *I proceed to explain the steps to program the remote* “Now, use the number buttons on the remote to put in the code 02258.”

(The next thing I hear are loud tones coming from the buttons on the phone in my ear. I can hear the customer is not talking into the phone, which leads me to believe he is talking into the remote.)

Customer: “Okay, I did that.”

(He asks if I am there a few times, before realizing he isn’t talking into the phone.)

Customer: *into the phone this time* “Okay, I did that.”

Me: “Thank you, sir. That was good practice. Now let’s do that again, but this time with the remote control…”

Related:
Not Remotely Intelligent, Part 6
Not Remotely Intelligent, Part 5
Not Remotely Intelligent, Part 4
Not Remotely Intelligent, Part 3

The Not So Great Gatsby

| Redmond, WA, USA | Awesome Customers, Pets & Animals

(A man sporting a heavy metal t-shirt, torn jeans, facial piercings and green hair approaches my register. As he gets closer I notice he’s cradling a small cat in his arms.)

Man: “Hey… umm… this is probably going to sound kind of weird but I was just in the parking lot and—”

(He’s promptly cut off by a shrill scream. We both turn to see a horrified lady charging towards us like a rabid rhino.)

Lady: “What the h*** are you doing?!”

Man: “Oh, there you are! Listen—”

Lady: “Get your filthy meat hooks off my Gatsby! You monster! Let him go!”

(She violently starts trying to beat the man with her purse. Braving the blows, the man hands the cat over to her.)

Lady: “Oh, my poor Gatsby! Did the horrible man hurt you? Oh, don’t you worry, I’ll make him pay!” *glaring at me* “You! Call the police right now! And you!” *turns to the punk* “Don’t move! I’m going to see you in jail for trying to kidnap my Gatsby!”

Man: “Really? Well before you do that ma’am I should warn you that I intend to report you to the SPCA for endangering the life of your pet.”

Lady: “What?”

Man: “You left your car window rolled all the way down, and dear Gatsby there climbed out after you went in. I very nearly hit him as he ran out into the parking lot so I thought it only right that I bring him in where he wouldn’t be at risk of getting lost, run over, or kidnapped. Are you saying I should’ve just left him out there where anything could’ve happened, and you thus would most likely have had to go home minus your darling pet?”

(The lady turns red, drops her shopping, and promptly runs out of the store with her cat.)

This Customer’s Spirit Is Unsinkable

, | Derbyshire, England, UK | Awesome Customers, Movies & TV, Top

(I am quite well-spoken and have what many people refer to as a ‘posh’ accent.)

Me: “Alright, so that will be £24, please!”

Customer: “You’re far too posh to be working in a place like this!”

Me: “Why, thank you! I do tend to hear that rather often! I’ve got to pay my way through university somehow, I suppose.”

Customer: “Ooh yes! You sound just like that Kate Winslet!”

Me: “Um, thank you! Have a good night!”

(About one week passes, when the customer comes through again, this time with her entire family in tow.)

Customer: “It’s Kate Winslet!”

Me: “Hello again! How are you all this evening?”

Customer: “I’d be better if you could just talk at my kids a second!”

Me: “Okay then. I mean, what would you like me to say?”

Customer: “They’ve been watching Titanic all week getting ready for this. Say that bit when she’s stuck on the door at the end!”

Me: “Um… ‘I’ll never let go, Jack!'”

Customer: *to her kids* “Ha! Didn’t I tell you she sounded just like her?!”

Me: “Well, I’m glad you liked it. Is there anything else I can help you all with tonight?”

Customer: “Oh, no thank you, darling. Just stay as you are. It’s so nice to be served by people that are just so happy!”

(These customers are now regulars, who not only ask me to quote Titanic every time they come through, but also got one of my coworkers to do the ‘Gangnam Style’ dance.)

The Cake Is Not A Lie

| TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(I’m making a banana split, when a woman frantically rushes over to me, waving her hands up and down.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am, is everything all right?”

Customer: “Yes, yes, I just have a question.”

Me: “Okay, what is your question?”

Customer: “These cakes in this case over here, the mint one… does it have cake in it?”

Me: “…Excuse me?”

Customer: “Does this cake have cake in it?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, the cakes contain cake.”

Someone Freed Willy

| College Station, TX, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Rude & Risque

(I am a manager at a local hotel. I’m manning the phones.) 

Me:” Thank you for calling [hotel name], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hello, I stayed at your hotel last weekend. I just wanted to let you know that there was a man without his pants on at the pool area.”

Me: “I’m sorry you had to witness that, sir.”

Caller: “Oh, it’s no problem. It was just awkward because his ‘willy’ was hanging.” 

Me: “Sir?”

Caller: “Well, it must have been a 10-incher because my wife is still talking about it ’til this day!”

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