Just Plain Batty, Part 2

| California, USA | Crazy Requests, Religion

(I work as a Sunday school teacher at my church, which I’ve been going to for the past ten years. Most of the church members know me by now, and they know I’m a goth, even though I don’t look it when I’m working. This happens when a new member notices I am wearing a bat necklace.)

New Member: *gasps* “That’s scary!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

New Member: You “shouldn’t wear that to church. It’s scary and it’s evil! You’re corrupting the children!”

Other Member: *to the new member* “It’s just a bat; bats aren’t evil.”

New Member: “It’s a vampire, and vampires are from Satan!”

(I put my necklace into my shirt so no one can see it. After church, the pastor comes up to me.)

Pastor: “Where’s your necklace? Did you lose it?”

Me: “Someone complained about it because it was ‘scary,’ so I tucked it into my shirt.”

Pastor: “That’s stupid. I’d hate to have her see what you have planned for the kids this Halloween!”

Related:
Just Plain Batty

We With Consoles Are Always Ready To Console

| Billings, MT, USA | Bizarre, Family & Kids, Wild & Unruly

(I’m a regular at a game supply store. All the managers and employees know me, and often ask me to help with customers. A customer and her young son walk into store.)

Employee #1: “Hello and welcome to [game supply store], where we sell and trade used games. My name is [employee name]. Is there anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “Oh, yes… I was looking for a game for my son. I think it’s called [extremely outdated game].”

Employee #1: “I’m sorry, we haven’t had any games for [extremely outdated console] in over four years. We could help you with finding another game from an up-to-date console if you would like.”

Customer: “NO! I want that game for my son to play! He played it at the local pizza place on one of their arcade boxes, or whatever they’re called!”

Employee #1: “Again, ma’am, we do not have [extremely outdated game], but we can surely help you find another game if you would like.”

Customer: “Yeah? Then what about THIS one?!”

(Suddenly, the customer grabs a brand-new game off the shelf and smashes it with her heels.)

Employee #1: “Ma’am, you are gonna have to pay for that. Please stop or I’m gonna have to get management out here.”

Customer: “Fine, go ahead! I don’t f***ing care! I want to talk to the motherf***ing management!”

(The manager comes over.)

Manager: “Ma’am, is everything okay?”

Customer: “No, it’s not f***ing okay! My son wants [extremely outdated game], and he wants it NOW!”

(At this point, the customer’s child finally speaks up.)

Customer’s Son: “Mommy, it’s okay. We can just get the game from [website].”

Customer: “No, no, no, no! We are getting you this game from this store, TODAY! This happened because of your f***ing s****y employee not helping me!”

Manager: “Ma’am, we just can’t have people coming in and smashing our games just whenever they get mad. Again, you are going to have to pay for that, and then please leave the building.”

Customer: “What do you mean, LEAVE the building?! I shouldn’t have to! I’m the customer! I’M ALWAYS RIGHT!”

(With that, the customer loses all control and ATTACKS the manager and the employee #1. Employee #2 and I manage to get her on the ground while employee #1 calls the police. Surprisingly, her son remains completely calm during the entire situation.)

Me: “Little boy, how are you just so calm in all this?”

Customer’s Son: “This isn’t the first time this has happened. Last time, she kicked someone where it hurts a lot, ’cause he fell over crying and stuff.”

Me: “Oh, well, do you have any other parents at home?”

Customer’s Son: “Yeah, just call this number…”

(He proceeds to take a folded piece of paper with delicately written numbers on it. I call the number. Before I can even explain the situation, the man on the other end of the line already seems to know what has happened.)

Me: “Yes, hello?

Man: “Oh, God… don’t tell me she did it again!”

Me: “Yeeeeeeeeep.”

Man: “Yeah, I’ll be over. Which store is it at this time?”

(I give the man our store’s location. About 20 minutes, a big man enters the store. During this time, the police have arrived and are filing the report and interviewing everyone. I have just been interviewed when he comes up and talks to me.)

Man: “Where is she?”

Me: *points at cruiser*

Man: “Thank God.”

(After the big man leaves with the son, employees #1, #2, and the manager come up to me.)

Employee #1: “Who was that?”

Me: “I don’t know, but it sounds like tonight’s gonna be a good one for him.”

(We later found out that the customer was the man’s wife, and the son was later moved to a different home. The son eventually would often spend days at the gaming supply store talking with the employees. Great kid, I’ll tell you that!)

Where There’s Smoke, There’s Backfire

| Kittery, ME, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers, Top

(I am working the register. A mother and her teenage daughter are quietly arguing nearby. When they’re done, the teenager comes up to my register while the mother lingers a few feet away.)

Teenage Customer: “I need a pack of [cigarettes]!”

Me: “Certainly! May I see your ID, please?”

Teenage Customer: “I’m with her.” *points to her mother*

Me: “Okay, but the person who actually purchases the cigarettes has to be at least 18, no matter who they are with.”

Teenage Customer: “Oh for f***’s sake!”

(The teenager goes over to her mother and they quietly argue some more. The mother reluctantly comes up to my register.)

Customer’s Mother: “I need a pack of [cigarettes], please.”

Me: “Are you purchasing them for yourself?”

Customer’s Mother: “No, I don’t smoke. They’re for my daughter. She’s not old enough to buy them for herself.”

Teenage Customer: “Shut up, Mom!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t sell the cigarettes to either of you.”

Teenage Customer: “Why the f*** not?”

Me: “Well, you’re not old enough to buy them and your mother just admitted that she’s buying them for someone who is underage.”

Teenage Customer: “They’re for her. Right, Mom?!” *pinches her mom’s arm*

Customer’s Mother: *meekly* “Yes, they’re for me.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m still going to have to refuse the sale. Allowing someone to buy cigarettes for a minor is a bad as selling cigarettes to a minor. I could get into a lot of trouble.”

Teenage Customer: “Oh, f*** you! We’ll just get them someplace else!” *to her mom* “This is your fault!”

(Suddenly, a uniformed police officer appears out of nowhere. Apparently, he has witnessed the whole exchange from nearby.)

Police Officer: “Could I have a word with you, ladies?”

(I don’t know what happened to the mother and daughter, but I never saw them in the store again. The police officer reported the whole incident to my manager and I got a promotion!)

Have It X-Ray

, | Ontario, Canada | Crazy Requests

(I work in a fast food restaurant that opened less than a year ago. Our phone number used to belong to an outpatient X-Ray and ultrasound clinic.)

Me: “Hello, [fast food restaurant].”

Caller: “I’m calling the results of my X-ray.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but this is [restaurant]. We don’t do X-rays here.”

Caller: “I just need my results.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t have them here.”

Caller: “Who are you?!”

Me: “This is [restaurant].”

Caller: “What do you have there?”

Me: “We are a fast food place. We sell mainly hamburgers.”

Caller: “Well, I don’t need that! You sure don’t have my results there?”

Me: “Very sure.”

Caller: “Well, do you know who has them?”

Me: “Your family doctor, maybe?”

Caller: “Do you have their number?”

Me: “…I’m sorry, but no, I don’t.”

Caller: “Well, you’re no help!” *hangs up*

Sound And Fury, Signifying Policing

| Ontario, Canada | Bizarre, Wild & Unruly

(I volunteer at a rather unusual renaissance faire that showcases a number of home-built medieval weapons for competition. Prizes are awarded for authenticity, construction, and most importantly, use. My job at this point is to keep guests from wandering into anywhere dangerous. Currently, I’m stationed at the edge of a crossbow and arquebus live-fire zone.)

Guest #1: “What’s going on here?”

Me: “Stay back, please. This is the crossbow and arquebus live fire zone. The contestants are going to be shooting homemade weapons in the next few minutes.”

Guest #1: “At people?”

Me: “No sir, at targets. These are real weapons that shoot real arrows and bullets.”

Guest #1: “That sounds awesome! I’m going to stick around for that.”

Guest #2: *overhearing us talk* “Do they let visitors shoot?”

Me: “No sir, sorry. The weapons are extremely dangerous and all our participants are licensed and trained.”

Guest #1: “Aw man, I hunt all the time. Can’t I?”

Guest #2: “I’m also experienced with firearms.”

Me: “Sorry guys, no one’s allowed in without a competitor badge. What you can do is talk to the competitors after the event about getting a guests pass. They’re allowed to bring people with them, and I know they’ve invited people they’ve met at shows in the past who’ve demonstrated interest. But the show’s about to start, so I recommend trying to get some good seats.”

(The show begins, and many of the competitors are wearing period dress. When the arquebus presentation begins, my supervisor calls out the codeword for missing weapon on the radio. Before I can even start to call the police, there’s a sudden explosion, and a man awkwardly wearing a page’s shirt and a plate helmet falls over backwards. He removes his helmet, revealing Guest #1’s face. Before he can get far, Guest #2 tackles him.)

Guest #1: *to Guest #2* “Hey! You can’t do that! You don’t even work here!”

Guest #2: “The lady said you need a badge to enter the field. Well, buddy, I’ve got one of those!”

(Sure enough, Guest #2 did have a badge—a police badge!)

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