Dislike Father, Dislike Son

| Missouri, USA | Bigotry, Family & Kids, Top

(A lady walks in with her 11-year-old son. He is being very mouthy to her, mouthy to her friend that is with them. He even glares at me when I tell him he can not eat of our bulk candy bins. They finally come up to the counter to pay for their candy, but he is still saying horrible things to his mother. She is looking very upset by this point.)

Me: “Did you find everything okay?”

Customer’s Son: “Shut up!”

Me: “You know, if my son talked to me that way—”

Customer’s Son: “You’d what, b****?”

Me: “I’d probably hogtie him and throw him into his room.”

Customer: *laughs*

Customer’s Son: “B****, you wouldn’t be standing!”

Me: *laughing* “Oh? How you figure that?”

Customer’s Son: “Because you’re a woman, and women are weak.”

Customer: *to her son* “Oh my God, are you serious?! You are NOT visiting your father anymore!”

Customer’s Son: *to me* “Now get me an Icee, b****.”

Me: “Oh, I don’t know. I’m not sure my weak woman’s hands can make it for you!”

Customer: *laughing, to me* “Thank you!” *to her son* “Now, let’s go. I’m not buying you anything!”

Me: “Have a nice day!”

Customer’s Son: *flips me off*

Customer: *smacks him*

Contextual Innuendos

| Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Rude & Risque

(I’m at work on a Saturday with a clerk and a pharmacist. I notice the clerk speaking with an elderly woman out front but don’t think much of it. A few minutes later, the clerk comes back with a strange expression on her face and tells me I have to go help the woman.)

Me: “What can I help you with?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a vibrator.”

Me: “A…vibrator?”

Customer: “Yes. I had one, but I used it too much and it wore out.”

Me: “I don’t think we have anything like that. Where did you buy the first one?”

Customer: “At another pharmacy, but I want one with a long handle so it can reach better.”

(At this point I’m biting the inside of my cheek in an effort not to laugh.)

Me: “What kind of vibrator are you looking for, exactly?”

Customer: “You know! One of those that rub your feet!”

Me: “OH! Sorry, we don’t have anything like that.”

Must Have Been The Funny Farm

| Nanaimo, BC, Canada | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

(Note: I work in a farm supply store. In addition to selling the usual stuff like equipment, animal feed, and seed, it also sells chickens and chicks.)

Customer: “Where are your nugget chickens?”

Me: “…Pardon?”

Customer: “Your NUGGET chickens!”

Me: “I’m afraid I’m not understanding what you are looking for. Are you wanting to purchase chicks, or perhaps full grown chickens?”

Customer: “No, no, no! You know, the chickens that lay nuggets!”

Me: *puzzled expression*

Customer: “CHICKEN NUGGET CHICKENS, for crying out loud! I promised my son I’d get him one! He loves chicken nuggets!”

Me: “Ma’am, chicken nuggets are not laid by chickens. Chickens lay eggs. Nuggets are small pieces of chicken that have been breaded and baked or fried.”

Customer: “I’ll have you know, Missy, I grew up on a farm and I know what I’m talking about! Nevermind, I’ll just try the store in the next town. You’re worthless!”

Bottom-Rung Bozos

| Florida, USA | Top, Wild & Unruly

(This takes place in a small, mom-and-pop gift store. Note: I am about 7 months pregnant when this takes place.)

Customer: “Hey you, girl! I need one of those games at the top of the shelf.”

Me: “Sure, no problem, sir. Just give me a moment to finish up here and I’ll grab it.”

Customer: “Well, hurry up!”

(The customer continues to mutter about me being useless. I go to grab the ladder when my coworker, who happens to be the owner’s son, sees this.)

Coworker: *to me* “Oh hey…you don’t need to be on that ladder. I got it.”

Customer: *to coworker* “What?! No, I asked her. Let her do it!”

Coworker: “Sir, it’s not safe for her to be up there right now.”

Customer: “YOU SHOULDN’T BE ACCOMMODATING TO FATTIES!”

(Note: the customer himself is extremely large.)

Coworker: “Sir, she’s pregnant, not fat.”

Customer: “Stupid b**** is just fat! You shouldn’t accommodate fatties! She’s just a fat b****! Make her do her job! STOP ACCOMMODATING THE FATTIES!”

Me: “Sir, I’m seven months pregnant, not fat, and if you continue to use vulgar language, I will have to ask you to leave.”

Customer: “You stupid b****! Do your d*** job, you stupid fat a**!”

Me: “I’m refusing you service. Please leave.”

Customer: “YOU CAN’T DO THAT! GET THAT D*** GAME! I PAY YOUR SALARY!”

(The owner, who has overheard the entire exchange, comes over.)

Owner: “Sir, you shouldn’t be carrying on and calling people fatties…especially pregnant women.”

Customer: “F*** YOU! I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR MANAGER!”

Owner: “I’ll do you one better: I own this store, and if I see you in my store again, I will have you arrested for trespassing. Oh…and NO, you don’t pay her salary: I do, and I plan to give her a big raise after this.”

Customer: “SCREW YOU! You can’t talk to me this way. I’m a paying customer!”

Coworker: “Hey buddy, you just blow in from stupid town? You haven’t bought anything.”

Customer: “DON’T ACCOMMODATE FATTIES!”

(In his anger, he knocks down a rack of merchandise over and hauls out of the store as fast as he can.)

Coworker: “I’m going to call the police…”

(The customer was arrested less than a block away, and I got a raise.)

When Intelligences Cancel Out, Part 2

| Lawrence, KS, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

(I work as a cashier. At the checkout, the display on the cash back screen shows the amounts. Underneath is a large “No Cash Back” button, and below that in the corner is a small “Cancel” button.)

Me: “Your total is $25.88.”

Customer: “This will be debit.” *swipes card* “Oh, I hit the ‘Cancel’ button.”

Me: “That’s okay. You’ll need to swipe it again.”

Customer: “I don’t get why you can’t make this clearer! I don’t want cash back.”

Me: “Then you need to hit the button that says ‘No Cash Back’, not the ‘Cancel’ button.”

Customer: “That’s just dumb! Why don’t you make a button that just says ‘Cancel’ if you don’t want cash back?!”

Related:
When Intelligences Cancel Out

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