If A Tree Falls In A Dollar Store…

| OK, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre

(I work in a dollar store that has a lot of varying inventory. It’s not uncommon for people to come in and ask me if we have received a particular item in on the truck.)

Me: “Did you find everything you were looking for today?”

Customer: “Yes I did. I love coming in here and seeing all the new stuff you get. But I have a question.”

Me: “Sure, if I can’t answer it I’m sure I can find someone who can.”

Customer: “If I’m looking for something and I can’t find it, is it free?”

Me: “I would suppose so. If we don’t have it, I can’t charge you for buying it.”

Customer: “So if I look around and I do find it?”

Me: “Then you found it and it’s no longer free.”

(The customer thinks for a second while I finish ringing him up, pays, and turns back to me as he’s walking out.)

Customer: “You win this round; can I go home now?”

Me: “I assume so; I’m not stopping you.”

(The customer walks out happy as can be.)

Hasn’t Got A Leg To Stand On

| OK, USA | Health & Body, Liars & Scammers, Theme Of The Month, Top

(I am mopping the floor when a customer walks in and proceeds to slip and fall.)

Customer: “I’M GOING TO SUE! You could have KILLED ME!”

Me: “Sir, there’s just two things wrong with your plan. One, I have ‘Caution – Wet Floor’ signs all over the store.”

Customer: “Well I didn’t see them! I think I broke my leg!”

Me: “Regardless, the store is released of all liability because they are out in highly visible places, and you just fell by one.”

Customer: “I WANT YOUR MANAGER, NOW!”

Me: “The other thing wrong with your plan is that I haven’t mopped over there yet. The floor is dry.”

(The customer gets up on his ‘broken’ leg and scurries out.)

Networking Notworking

| Stockholm, Sweden | Extra Stupid, Technology

(I am working as a shift leader in tech support for a global Swedish telephone company. I usually take phone calls from the agents where the customer is rather upset. I get called to an agent, where the customer is furious and yelling at him. I take over the phone.)

Me: “Hi, this is the managing shift leader; I hear you have a complaint. May I ask what this is about?”

Customer: “Yes! I called you guys yesterday about not getting network connection in my office, and nothing has happened yet! Do you have any idea how much money I am costing the company, unable to work?”

Me: “Okay, I understand; just give me a minute to check the logged issue.”

(I read the ticket and get suspicious immediately, because information about basic troubleshooting is missing.)

Me: “Sir? When you reported this, did the agent ask you to try another outlet?”

Customer: “Yes! It wasn’t working with that one either! Send me an onsite technician right NOW!”

Me: “I’m sorry to say, but I believe there has been a misunderstanding here of the real root cause. May I please ask of you to just troubleshoot one more thing before I can escalate?”

Customer: “H*** no! I spent over 30 minutes on the phone last time and that didn’t do s***! Do you have any idea how much money I make? I could have 20 of your so-called onsite techs following me constantly and it wouldn’t even show on my salary! I demand a priority top issue on this matter, right now!”

Me: “Well sir, I am sorry to say that it is not allowed for a single user issue, no matter how much money you make. I am fairly certain the issue does not lie with the outlet, but in fact with your network card. So sending someone to ‘fix’ the outlet isn’t going to solve the issue. If you on the other hand, let me verify my suspicions, then this can be sorted out in a matter of minutes instead of days.”

Customer: “D*** it! You are all worthless pieces of s***! Fine, what do you want me to do?”

Me: “Just press the start button. In the run field you enter ‘cmd.’ Is there a black screen there now? Good. Please type ‘ping 127.0.0.1.’ What does it say?”

Customer: “‘Request timed out.’ What does that mean?”

Me: “It’s as I suspected. Your network card is broken. So instead of waiting for an onsite technician, how about I refer this ticket to your walk-in-center, and you just give them the ticket number and get a loaner PC while they fix your network card? That way you can start working again.”

Customer: “Erm… well, yes. That would work. Er, thanks.”

Me: “You’re welcome!”