Who Wants To Call Out The Answer

| Poole, UK | Technology

(A customer calls to inquire about location services/maps on his smartphone.)

Customer: “So, how do I get it to tell me where to go?”

Me: “Well, it’s Google Maps, so it’ll show your location, but it won’t give your step-by-step instructions as you drive or walk.

Customer: “So, what, you’re saying there’s no satellite navigation on the phone?”

Me: “No, sorry!”

Customer: “Then what’s the point of a phone?!”

Bigotry Loves Company

| Sandusky, OH, USA | Bigotry, Family & Kids, Rude & Risque, Top

(Note: I am gay, but I seem to be an ‘under the radar’ one; no one ever guesses it, but I don’t hide it, either. I also have a boyfriend, and we plan on getting engaged soon. I’m working as a lifeguard on the lazy river late in the evening. I lean in and do a corner check to scan for small children. I see a mother and her daughter in very revealing clothing pass by on a two-person tube.)

Mother: *to me* “Don’t be looking at my daughter’s boobs! She’s a Christian girl!”

Daughter: *blushes, embarrassed*

Me: “Ma’am, I can promise I do not care about her boobs and was merely doing my job.”

Mother: “Yeah, right! You mean staring at all the young girls like a perv! Only reason young men work here!”

Me: “No, ma’am, I’m here working to save for me and my soon to be fiancé.”

Daughter: “Mom, just let—”

Mother: “Yeah, a fiancée! Too bad you’re cheating on her by staring at ALL this!” *gestures to herself*

(I point to my necklace with a promise ring I got from my boyfriend on Valentine’s day.)

Me: “Ma’am, I have a betrothed, and both Jay and I would be very surprised if I cheated or stared at a woman.”

Mother and Daughter: *jaws drop* “You’re a f**!”

Me: “I prefer homosexual, but yes, if you prefer.”

(At this point they are reaching a turn in the river. The mother creates a cross with her fingers, and kicks her feet to get away. This river section horseshoes back, so I see them 10 seconds later.)

Mother: “YOU’RE GOING TO H***, YOU F**!”

Me: “Only if I’m working to guard your lava pit, my dear!”

Whoever Said Easter Isn’t Egg-citing Is Hopping Mad

| NY, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Bizarre, Food & Drink, Holidays, Top

(This happens around Easter. A man in an Easter Bunny suit comes riding a unicycle into the parking lot and enters the shop.)

Me: “Hey there, Easter Bunny!”

Easter Bunny: “Donuts? Sick! I’ll have three strawberry, three cherry, and three blueberry, glazed, and with frosting and sprinkles!”

Me: *hands him the bag* “Anything else?”

Easter Bunny: “Nah! Donuts! Sick!”

(The Easter Bunny suddenly SLAMS his head on the counter, which would have been quite painful if not for the headpiece on his costume. An egg rolls out seemingly from nowhere and onto the counter. He walks out without another word, hops onto his unicycle and rides off. The egg contained exact change—plus a labeled five dollar tip!)

Don’t Tip Her Off

| Australia | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Food & Drink, Money

Customer: “I’ll have my ciabatta loaf and a small latte.”

Me: “That comes to $9.90.”

(The customer hands me a $10 dollar bill, and I give her 10 cents change. Then, she produces her loyalty card. I see that she is up for a free coffee.)

Me: “Oh, you’re due for your free coffee. I’ll give you some extra change back.” *I hand her the extra change*

Customer: “No! I don’t want it! I don’t want the money!”

Me: “But you’ve earned a free coffee.”

Customer: “I come in here EVERY time and I order a ciabatta loaf and a coffee, and it comes to $9.90. I give you a $10 note, and I give you a 10 cent tip!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry… did you want to save your free coffee for another day? It’s alright. I can—”

Customer: “No, it’s NOT alright! I didn’t want the free coffee! I don’t want it! You don’t get your 10 cent tip today!”

Me: “Okay… well, I’ll just have to wear that.”

Customer: “Stupid woman. You don’t get your 10 cent tip today!” *leaves*

Hello, Abbie Simpson

| Jacksonville, FL, USA | Military, Top, Tourists/Travel

(A passenger comes through my security checkpoint at the airport. She is the most scatterbrained individual I have ever seen, and has had to go through the metal detector three times: once for her belt, another time for her hairclips, and finally, for her dog tags.)

Passenger: “Geez, I’m sorry, you know? I don’t mean to be so brain dead.”

Me: “It’s fine, ma’am.”

(I hand the passenger her dogtags and sees she’s in the Navy.)

Me: “Oh, my brother is in the Navy. What do you do?”

Passenger: *laughs sheepishly* “You’ll love this. I work on a nuclear reactor.”

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