Not Quite The Picture Perfect Finish

| Orem, UT, USA | Crazy Requests, Family & Kids, Wild & Unruly

(Our studio is in a mall. I’m the photographer in a sitting with a young child. The child is throwing a tantrum, crying and screaming, while the mother stands next to me doing nothing.)

Me: “Sometimes when kids won’t cooperate, we suggest taking a break. There’s a candy store right next to us or the toy store is right across the hall.”

Mother: “I don’t want to wait any longer to get these photos done. Just take the photo.”

Me: “We could get you right in when you come back. You wouldn’t have to wait again. Sometimes kids just need a quick distraction to calm down.”

(The kid is currently in full meltdown mode.)

Mother: “Just take the photo so I can purchase a package and go home.”

(Without even looking at the child, I snap a photo. The image comes up on the screen: the child is mid-tantrum, red-faced and screaming. I turn to the mother, deadpan.)

Me: “How’s that?”

Mother: “… The candy store is right next to you?”

How To Cancel Death, Part 2

| Dallas, TX, USA | Liars & Scammers, Spouses & Partners

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, hello. I’m calling to cancel my service because, you see, my wife is no longer with us. I haven’t been able to get into the account for some months now because, of course, I didn’t have her info.”

Me: “Oh, I understand. I’m sorry to hear that. Let me pull up your account.”

(In the background, I hear a woman’s voice.)

Woman: “Honey, where are the car keys!?”

Customer: “Shut up! You’re supposed to be dead!”

Woman: “WHAT!?” *click*

Related:
How To Cancel Death

Didn’t Study The Bear Necessities

| MT, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

(A tourist runs into the ranger station looking really scared.)

Tourist: “Help! There’s a grizzly bear in the parking lot. A grizzly bear! He chased my kids!”

(The rest of the rangers and I grab our guns and run out to the parking lot to chase off the bear and make sure no one is hurt. When we get outside, we look around but don’t see the bear.)

Rangers: *yelling* “Where is it?! Where is the bear?”

Tourist: *pointing frantically* “It’s right there! Right there between those cars! Shoot it!”

(We continue to look around but don’t see the bear while the tourist continues to point and scream. Finally, one of the rangers notices a marmot running between two cars.)

Ranger: *pointing at the marmot* “Wait. Is that what you mean? That little brown animal right there?”

Tourist: “Yes! That’s it! Shoot it, quick!”

Ranger: “Sir, that is a marmot, not a grizzly. Marmots are just really big ground squirrels.”

Tourist: “That’s not a grizzly? But it looked just like the picture I saw in the magazine. Are you sure?”

Ranger: “Yes, sir. Grizzlies are much much bigger. They are taller than a person when they stand up and they weigh 500 lbs or more.”

Tourist: *embarrassed* “It didn’t look that big in the picture.”