A**-hole In One

| TX, USA | Bad Behavior, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I work at a golf course that is situated in a residential area. I am talking to a friend of mine who owns a home on the course when a ball lands in his backyard.)

Golfer: “Move!” *hops the fence*

My Friend: “Hey! This is private property; get out of here!”

Golfer: “No it isn’t; I paid good money to play on this course and I am going to play through.”

Me: “Actually, sir, it is private property.”

Golfer: *not listening* “Why the h*** do you put such stupid obstacles in the way? What kind of course has fences so close to the green?”

My Friend: “It isn’t an obstacle! It’s my fence, and you are in my backyard. Now beat it before I call the police.”

Golfer: “Shut the f*** up; you’re throwing me off my game.” *turns to me* “Shouldn’t you escort him off the course? He isn’t showing any etiquette.”

(At this point my friend gets irritated and has gone into his house.)

Me: “He doesn’t have to show any etiquette; he owns the property. You are the one I will be escor—”

Golfer: “No he doesn’t! The course owns all of this; how stupid are you?”

(My friend comes back with a bucket of golf balls, and dumps them where the golfer’s ball has landed.)

Golfer: “What the f*** are you doing! I’ll never find my ball!”

My Friend: “Good.”

Golfer: “I paid good money for that ball, and you’re stealing it! I am calling the police!”

Me: “It landed in someone’s yard. It is clearly stated in the rule book that a residential area is out of bounds, so he can do whatever he wants with it.”

Golfer: “Shut up! What do you know? You’re just some kid!”

Me: “Sir, please come with me. You are not welcome here anymore.”

Golfer: “No! I can do what I want! I paid good money to—”

My Friend: “I spend all day cleaning up after a**-holes like you that think they can do whatever they want. They rammed their carts into my fence thinking it was a personal cart stopper, and I had to finally shell out $1,500 to buy a new one because it eventually fell down completely.”

Golfer: “I didn’t—”

My Friend: “People like you have stolen my stuff, left their trash in my yard, even though there is a bin right there next to the tee-box. They have killed my dog, and one of you pricks had the audacity to walk into my house and use my bathroom without even so much as asking.”

Golfer: *stuttering* “But the course owns it; I’m allowed to—”

My Friend: “No you’re not. My property line extends another twenty feet past the fence line; you are trespassing. I own this house, this yard, and everything in them.”

(My friend picks him up, and tosses him over the fence.)

Golfer: “That’s assault! I am calling the police on you! I paid good money!”

My Friend: “I don’t give a d*** how much you paid; this is private property and according to the state penal code, I can remove you just like I did.”

Golfer: “I’ll sue! I paid good money!”

My Friend: “Go ahead; I’ll be your lawyer.”

(One of the owners shows up and escorts the golfer off the golf course. He is banned from playing there again. My friend now plays free for his trouble.)

Has Not Registered The Lack Of Pockets

| UK | At The Checkout, Liars & Scammers, Money, Theme Of The Month, Top

(A customer brings some items to my register and I ring them up. The total is £5.50, and she hands me a £10 note. I’ve come across this scam many times, so rather than putting the customer’s money straight into the register, I always place it on top until the transaction is complete, and put it in the drawer at the last moment. It is summer, and I am wearing a light summer dress with no pockets.)

Me: “Thanks, your change is £4.50, and here’s your receipt.”

Customer: *staring at the money but not taking it* “I gave you a £20 note.”

Me: “No, sorry, you paid with a £10 note. Your change is £4.50.”

Customer: “No! I gave you a £20 note! You’re trying to short-change me!”

Me: *smiling* “You gave me £10. This £10.” *I point at the note sitting on the register* “Your change is £4.50.”

Customer: *red-faced and irate* “Get your manager!”

(My manager is at a desk right behind me, and has heard everything.)

Manager: “Can I help?”

Customer: “She’s trying to steal my money! I gave her a £20, but she’s only giving me change for a £10!”

Manager: *peering into my cash drawer* “Well, the drawer has two £5 notes, and about three £10 notes in it, but no £20 notes. Where exactly is the £20 note you paid with?”

Customer: “Um… she must have pocketed it!”

(The manager steps back, and makes a point of slowly looking up and down at my clearly pocketless outfit.)

Manager: “Right… and where exactly would she have put it?”

Customer: “Er…”

Manager: “Right.” *to me* “Give her the change from the £10.”

Me: “Here you go, £4.50!”

Customer: “F*** you!”

Manager: *to me* “I’ll make you a cup of tea. I think you need it.”

Providing Extra Service

| New York, NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Top

(I work at a cash register at a fairly popular clothing store. A customer walks up to me with a t-shirt in hand.)

Customer: “Do you have this in size extra-medium?”

Me: *stares blankly* “An extra-medium?”

Customer: “Yeah. The medium just doesn’t fit.”

Me: “Is it too big?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Is it too small?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Then what’s wrong with it?”

Customer: “It’s not medium enough.”

Me: “I’ll see what I can do about that.”

(I take the shirt into the back room and take out a sharpie. I carefully draw an ‘X’ in front of the ‘M’ on the tag of the shirt. I then return and hand the shirt to the customer. He checks the tag, then goes and tries it on in the fitting room. I see him again at the checkout counter.)

Me: “Were you happy with your shirt?”

Customer: “Yeah. That extra-medium fits so much better than the medium!”