Demanding And Stupid In The Same Breath

| MA, USA | Right | June 17, 2014

(We’re a bookstore, but we also sell some smaller toys from a popular company known for their hand-crafted products. I’m covering the register on a slow night. A customer I rang out a few minutes earlier who bought a $3 wooden kazoo comes storming back into the store. Another customer reaches the register at about the same time, but holds back when she sees how angry the other woman is.)

Customer #1: “Why’d you tell my son he couldn’t return this kazoo? It’s defective!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. He just asked if he could get his money back, and I told him we couldn’t take it because it was opened already. It’s defective?”

(I pick up the wooden kazoo that she’s slammed on the counter hold it near my mouth, and hum. It makes a kazoo noise.)

Me: “Oh, maybe your son doesn’t know how it works. You have to hum into it, not blow like a whistle. Seems fine.”

Customer #1: “What? I didn’t hear anything! It’s defective! I want my money back!”

(I hold the kazoo near my lips again and hum louder. It makes a louder kazoo noise.)

Me: “See? That’s what it’s supposed to do. You hum, and it makes that noise.”

(I set it down in front of her, thinking the problem is solved.)

Customer #1: “No way! I’m not taking that out of the store now! You’ve contaminated it with your breath! It has all your germs in it. Give me my money back!”

Me: “Really?”

(The woman tries to stare me down.)

Me: “Ma’am, as I explained, you don’t blow into a kazoo. You hum. You can’t hum with your mouth open. None of my breath went into the kazoo.”

(I demonstrate a humming noise without the kazoo, showing her my lips are firmly pressed closed.)

Customer #1: “This is ridiculous! I’ve bought hundreds of things from here that were all defective, and I’ve never bothered to return them before. I just threw them away. Now, you won’t even take back this broken kazoo?”

Me: “But, it’s not broken, remember? And I didn’t breathe in it, either. I’m not sure exactly what your complaint is at this point.”

Customer #1: “That’s it! I want to talk to your store manager.”

Me: “That would be me.”

Customer #1: “Fine! Then I want to talk to a district manager! Is he here?”

Me: “Yes. And he’s also me.”

Customer #2: “This isn’t over. Not by a long shot! You haven’t heard the last of me!”

(The woman snatches up her kazoo from the counter and runs out of the store. I turn to the other woman who’s been waiting patiently.)

Me: “I’m sorry you had to be here for that uncomfortable situation.”

Customer #2: “Oh, I don’t mind. That was pretty entertaining. I think you may have created a super-villain.”

(Ten minutes later, one of my managers from another store location calls me, laughing.)

Coworker: “Um, apparently, I’m supposed to fire you. Some crazy lady just called to tell me that you threw a kazoo at her?”

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Making The Feathers Fly

| MN, USA | Right | June 17, 2014

(I am a chef. The server is fairly new. This is one of her first solo shifts. This couple comes in at the very end of lunch. They are the only customers in the building.)

Male Customer: “Are the chickens fresh?”

Server: “Yup. We pull the feathers in the back.”

Male Customer: “Okay. I’ll take the chicken sandwich and some feathers.”

Female Customer: “I’ll have the cheeseburger.”

(The server enters their order in the computer. She then grabs their drinks and drops them off at the table.)

Male Customer: “Where are the feathers?”

Server: “I just rang them in.” *laughs*

(I cook the food and call out for the server. She picks up the order and brings it out to the table.)

Male Customer: “Where are my f****** feathers? If you don’t bring me my f****** feathers I am going to punch you in the face.”

Server: “I’ll be right back.”

(She goes and gets the manager who goes up to the table.)

Manager: “Is there a problem?”

Male Customer: “I want my feathers. She said you had chicken feathers. She said you had them. If she doesn’t bring them out I am going to punch her.”

Manager: “You need to leave. Now.”

(As strange as this whole situation was, looking back on it now the thing I found the weirdest wasn’t the chicken feather guy. It was his girlfriend that didn’t say a thing through the entire ‘WTF’ conversation the guy had with the server and the manager.)

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The Ashes Of Difficult Customers

| Right | June 17, 2014

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A Heady Proposition, Part 1: The Comic

| Right | June 17, 2014

not always right photograph

Special Latte

| Right | June 16, 2014

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