Like Taking Candy From A Baby, Kids, And Everyone Else

| California, USA | Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

(I’m working in my family’s store part-time while I go to college. I am 18, but look a lot like my younger sister, who is 12, and sound younger than her as well. It’s October, and we give out free candy to paying customer’s kids or nearby schoolkids. We have a customer who lives next door to our shop; she’s very aggressive and known for shoplifting.)

Me: “Hello, welcome to [store’s name].”

Customer: “Yeah, yeah, what ever.”

(The customer begins taking candy from the bowl, which clearly has a sign that says, “KIDS ONLY. TAKE ONE EACH.”)

Me: “We ask you only take one or two, not a handful. A lot of kids come by and we can’t keep refilling the bowl.”

Customer: “What?! I’m getting some for my kids!”

Me: “Well, we ask you at least take six and not a handful, since I know you only have three children.”

Customer: “Y’all have plenty of candy in the store. Stop being selfish and f***ing stingy.”

Me: “It’s not being stingy. The owner is paying from their own pockets for the merchandise, and they have to feed their family on the income of this store.”

Customer: “F***’ing b****!”

(The customer goes off into the store to shop. Meanwhile, my coworker approaches with some small pumpkin decorations.)

Coworker: *to me* “Your father called and said to put the candies in here, so when kids come they’ll have a small gift bag. I’ll keep an eye on the customer.”

(I empty the bowl into the individual pumpkins and leave the bowl on the counter. I’m putting the last of the candy pumpkins into a box when the customer comes back with some items. She’s since eaten all of the candy she took earlier.)

Me: “Is that all?” *I start ringing her up*

Customer: “Yeah. What grade you in?”

Me: “I’m in college. I just graduated a few months ago.”

Customer: “Wha!? Nu-uh! How old are you?”

Me: “I’m going to turn 19 soon.”

Customer: “What? Really? You don’t look—”

(The customer starts reaching for the bowl, when she notices the candy missing.)

Customer: “What the f***!? Why are y’all acting weird? I ain’t gonna take all your d*** candy.”

Me: “Oh, sorry. The owner just called with a new idea of making gift bags for the kids to give out until Halloween.”

Customer: “Well, then give me three!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you’ve already taken enough candy for your kids.”

Customer: “Why you treating me different, huh? What the f*** is wrong with you?!”

Me: “Please tone it down and refrain from cursing. We don’t want any trouble. We are just doing as the owner asks.”

Customer: “Don’t talk back to me, you little b****! I’ll get your a** fired! Anyway, you’re too young too work here! I know you’re not f***’in 19! You’re still in middle school, aren’t you? You’re a f***in’ liar! I’m going to call social services and tell ’em they’re hiring 12 year olds to work here and missing school!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but if you want, you can call them. I know how old I am, and so does everyone that knows me.”

Customer: “Get me the f***in’ manager! I’ll get your a** fired SO fast!”

Me: *to my coworker* “Well, you’re the one in charge when my father isn’t here.”

Coworker: *to the customer* “Look, sweetie: this ’12 year old’ is technically the one in charge, since she is the boss’ daughter.”

Customer: “That is bulls***!”

Coworker: *to me* “Come on, little Miss Boss. Kick her out of the store.”

Me: *nervously* “M-ma’am, w-will you kindly leave t-the store before we call security?”

Customer: “F*** YOU! I’M NEVER COMING TO THIS STORE AGAIN!”

Me: “Have a nice day!”

Coworker: “Please come again real soon!”

(After a week, I had to go full time to college. However, I learned that my stepmother eventually had to call the cops on the customer and file a restraining order from letting her into the store.)

Kin Tell A Lot About This Patient

| Saskatchewan, Canada | Bigotry, Language & Words

(I work at a walk-in clinic. A new patient has come in and I am gathering his information for his file at the front desk. He has blond hair, blue eyes, and is 30. He has been otherwise polite to this point. Note that another patient is standing in line behind him.)

Me: “So, that’s almost it. Last question: who’s your next of kin?”

Patient: “Am I Mexican?! What kind of racist question is that? I ain’t no Mexican freak, you racist B****!”

Me: “Sir, I didn’t ask if you were Mexican. I asked for your next of kin.”

Patient: “What the f*** is a ‘next of kin?’ You are just trying to make things up to cover up your racism!”

Other Patient: “‘Next of kin’ is your emergency contact, moron.”

Patient: “Oh, in that case, my mom. Her contact info is the same. I still live at home.”

Other Patient: “That explains so, so much…”

Better Late Than Clever, Part 2

| Melbourne, Australia | Family & Kids, Money

(A kid of 11 or 12 approaches the ticket sales counter.)

Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

Kid: “Can I have a ticket for [movie]?”

Me: “Which session time were you after?”

Kid: “The one on now.”

Me: “Okay, are you sure? This session has already started, and I think about 10 minutes into the actual film.”

Kid: “No, that’s okay.”

Me: “Alright, that’ll be [price].”

Kid: “Can I get a discount?”

Me: “What for?”

Kid: “I missed some of my movie.”

Me: “Um, you’re asking me for a discount because YOU turned up late to the movie?”

Kid: “…Yeah.”

Me: *shakes head*

Kid: “Oh well, it was worth a try!”

Related:
Better Late Than Clever

Good News For A Change, Part 2

| New York, NY, USA | Awesome Customers

(It’s a very busy day at our drugstore. A customer comes to my register after waiting a very long time in line.)

Me: “Hello, did you find everything okay today?”

Customer: “I want to speak to your manager immediately!”

Me: “Is there something I could help you with?”

Customer: “No, I want to speak with your manager now!”

(I page the manager, and mentally prepare myself for whatever argument this customer is about to unleash.)

Manager: “What seems to be the problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “I need to tell you… I was in here yesterday and this man was just screaming at your employees. Nothing would stop him, he was so angry! They were all trying to be so helpful and he just kept screaming! You should be incredibly proud of your employees! They handled themselves so well and never once argued back!”

(She put a smile on all of our faces. When her transaction was finished, she told me to keep the change!)

Related:
Good News For (A Heckuva Lot Of) Change

No Species For Feces

| Omaha, NE, USA | Pets & Animals

(A couple comes in with a bag holding a few dead Cory catfish.)

Me: “Is there anything I can help you with?”

Female Customer: “We have some fish that didn’t make it.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Do you have any other fish in the tank these came from?”

Male Customer: “Yes.”

Female Customer: “We have a couple of those over there…” *points at the mollies* “…and a few of those…” *points at some tetras* “…and one of those suckers, too.”

Me: “Are all your other fish doing okay?”

Male Customer: “Some of those stripy ones died, but they were ate up.”

Me: “Alright. What size tank do you have then? Twenty gallons? Larger?”

(The male customer motions with his hands; it’s definitely not a large tank.)

Me: “It looks like you have a ten gallon or so. How many fish did you say you have in there?”

Female Customer: “About twenty or so.”

Me: “And how often do you do water changes?”

Male Customer: “We put new water in weekly.”

Me: “How much water do you take out each time?”

Female Customer: “None. We just add to it when the water evaporates.”

(At this point, I take the time to explain to them the basics of proper tank maintenance. I also explain to them that their tank is too small for the amount of fish currently being housed inside of it. This takes a few minutes for them to understand, but finally they seem to get it.)

Me: “If you move to a larger tank, siphon and do water changes your fish will be healthier.”

Female Customer: “I just don’t understand why we have to clean the gravel.”

Me: “That is where most of the fish waste gathers. Your filter will not get it all.”

Female Customer: “But that’s why we bought those things for! To eat all the poop! But they didn’t do anything, and then they died.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Male Customer: “They were supposed to be cleaning fish, but they never cleaned anything.”

Me: “You bought these fish with the expectation they would eat the other fishes’ waste?”

Female Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Yes, they are bottom feeders, and yes some people buy them to keep the tank a bit tidier; they’ll eat food that reaches the bottom. However, they don’t eat poop. I don’t believe we sell fish that live off of the waste of other fish.”

Male Customer: “Well, you should!”

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