Giving Them A Spanish Inquisition

, | Spain | Language & Words

(I’m a teenager, although I look younger. My father owns a small, English-run shop, and I work some shifts there if I want some extra cash. My father can’t speak a word of Spanish, although I can since I go to school in Spain. Two customers walk in, talking in Spanish.)

Customer #1: “I hate this shop! It’s stupid, and they don’t even speak Spanish.”

Customer #2: “I know, right? I only come in here so I can mentally mock everything.”

(I’ve been listening the whole time, but they’ve only just spotted me.)

Customer #1: “Look! They’ve hired some low-life kid to help them out. I swear that’s illegal; I’m going to report it because it will be funny.”

(I’ve been keeping quiet, but now I get angry. I twist around, facing the men, and start talking to them in Spanish.)

Me: “Okay, listen up: I’m a teenager, and my dad owns this shop. In case you haven’t noticed already, I do speak Spanish, and I’ve heard everything you just said. So if you hate this shop so much, why don’t you get out?”

(We never see them again, which my father appreciates, since they were always coming in without buying anything and he didn’t know how to say anything!)

Get Some Up-Lifted Bras To Go With Shop-Lifted Panties

| Boston, MA, USA | Liars & Scammers, Theme Of The Month

(I have just clocked out at work, and I have already changed into my street clothes. I am waiting for a manager to check my bag before I can leave, as is this is store policy. While I’m waiting, I see a customer is stooped low near a table of panties and she has her purse open. I cannot clearly see what is going on, but from experience I assume she is stealing them. She makes for the door when I speak to her.)

Me: “Would you like a shopping bag for those?”

Customer: “Uh… what?”

Me: “Would you like a shopping bag for those panties you just put in your purse?”

Customer: “Oh… I was just… uh… going over to the register.”

(She tries to casually change directions and head back towards the register.)

Me: “Right, well, since you have no intention of paying for them, can I have them back please?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

(She looks extremely embarrassed and irritated that she got caught, but she opens her purse and pulls out the biggest wad of panties I’ve ever seen. She shoves them back onto the table.)

Me: “Thank you.”

(I watch her rush out of the door. It is not our store policy to confront shoplifters. However, I am not on the clock and therefore can say whatever I want!)

Can’t Put Her Finger On The Problem

| Milwaukee, WI, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Top

(I work at the touch tank at a local aquarium. We invite guests to dip their fingers in and stroke the aquatic life as they swim past, provided they don’t put in more than two fingers at a time so as not to overwhelm the animals.)

Me: “And over here we have lake sturgeon and blue gill, both native to our own Lake Michigan!”

Guest: “What are these?” *points to starfish tank*

Me: “Those are red knobbed starfish, ma’am. They’re native to the Indian Ocean.”

Guest: “And I can touch them?”

Me: “Absolutely! We only ask that you use two fingers at a time.”

(The guest nods and proceeds to stick her thumb and forefinger into the tank, pull the starfish out, shake the water off it, and place it in her purse.)

Me: “Ma’am! Taking the marine life out of the tank is very dangerous! Please! I’m going to have to ask that you put it back!”

Guest: “But I wanted to take it home.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that’s a living creature you have there. We can’t just let people reach in and take out our animals!”

Guest: “I only used two fingers!”