The Holy Twi-Light

| Norfolk, VA, USA | Family & Kids, Religion

(I am teaching a children’s Bible Study lesson on the sons of Isaac.)

Me: “So the first twin’s name was Esau, which means hairy. And his brother came out holding onto his heel, and his parents named him Jacob.”

Girl #1: “Like the werewolf in Twilight?”

Girl #2: “Why did they name him Jacob? Does it mean ‘holding heels’ or something?”

Me: “Uh… hold on.”

(I go to the back of the room to look in the Bible, and see if it mentions why they chose the name Jacob.)

Girl #1: “Jacob is like the name from Twilight!”

Me: “Please don’t mention that book around me.”

Girl #3: “Do you like Twilight, Miss [my name]?”

Me: “No, I do not!”

Girl #1: “Why not?”

(I open my mouth to answer, but…)

Boy: “Because it’s BAD!”

All Sighs Point To No

| MD, USA | Uncategorized

(A lady calls and complains to our store.)

Me: “Good Afternoon, [name of store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I would like to speak with a manager!”

Me: “Sure, no problem!”

Manager: “Hello, this is [name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I was just in your store eating my lunch in your little cafe, and your cashier on register #11 offended me.”

Manager: “I’m sorry, ma’am. What did she do to offend you?”

Customer: “She yawned.”

Manager: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “She yawned, and I was so offended that I could not eat my lunch. She should not be paid to just stand there and yawn.”

Manager: “Uhm…” *dumbfounded*

Customer: “I did not want to say anything to her because she was very large.”

Manager: “Okay ma’am, I will tell her to stop yawning and to get more sleep at night.”

Customer: “Thank you so much!” *hangs up*

No IQ For IV

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Language & Words

(I work at a video store. A customer is on the far side of the store and yells out to me. He does not hold up the DVD.)

Customer: “Hey man, which Saw is this?”

Me: “Well, what does it say on the cover?”

Customer: “It doesn’t say anything!”

(I walk over to the customer and immediately recognise the problem.)

Me: “That would be Saw 4, sir. ‘IV’ means four.”

Thicker Coat Required

| USA | Top, Wild & Unruly

(One of my coworkers has a really beautiful full-length black wool coat that’s lined with a very soft faux fur that, despite being fake, feels real. She gets questions about where she got it from our clientele a lot, but she actually made it herself. It is really cold outside.)

Customer: *spotting my co-worker on her way to her lunch break* “Oh. My. God. That coat is gorgeous!”

Coworker: “Oh, thank you.”

Customer: “Give it to me.”

Coworker: “Ma’am, the coat is not for sale.”

Customer: “Bulls***! Everything in this store is! Now give me that jacket! I’m more smarter than you, I know how everything works! If you want something in your store, you can only buy it after us real people are done shopping and only if it’s something we don’t want!”

Coworker: “Um… ma’am, I’m sorry for the misunderstanding, but this jacket didn’t come from this store. I made it at home.”

Customer: “No you didn’t! It’s mine! *tries to snatch the back of the coat as my coworker dodges her*

Coworker: “Ma’am, this is my jacket that I made for myself. We do not sell this jacket in the store, although we have some similar ones. I will not just give you my jacket.

Customer: “It’s mine! Not yours, mine!”

Manager: *to me* “What’s going on?”

Me: *I explain*

Manager: *to the customer* “Ma’am, that is my employee’s jacket. It’s not for sale.”

Customer: *stamps her feet and screams* “BUT I WANT IT!”

Manager: “Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You can’t have my employee’s jacket. She needs it herself. It’s too cold. If you want a jacket, you can come back another time when you’ve calmed down.”

(She leaves, but comes back about ten minutes later with the police. They have a department on the other side of our parking lot. She points at my manager, my coworker, and me.)

Customer: “Those worthless pieces of trash are trying to steal my jacket!”

(My manager explains the situation, and they take a statement from my coworker, who had proof that she had actually handmade the jacket in the form of a series of photographs on her phone that detailed the ‘work in progress’. In the end, it was the customer who was arrested for creating a disturbance!)

Cash-Back-And-Forth

| Lincolnshire, England, UK | Money

(Whenever a customer asks for cash-back, I always repeat the amount back to them just to make sure I have heard correctly.)

Customer: “Can I have £30?”

Me: “That’s £30?”

Customer: “No, £30.”

Me: “Yes, £30 cash-back?”

Customer: “No, I want £30.”

Me: “Yes, that’s what I said, £30 cash-back.

Customer: “Look, do you do cash-back?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Well, can I have £30?”

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