Don’t Mess With A Browncoat

| Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | Awesome Customers, Geeks Rule, Top

(I work in a movie/TV memorabilia store. Most of the stock is sci-fi related. A boy approaches my station.)

Boy: “Excuse me, you sell stuff like Klingon to English dictionaries, right?”

Me: “We surely do. There’s two in stock at the moment.”

Boy: “Okay, so then do you have a dictionary for Firefly to English? I’m like, obsessed with it… I’d like to know what the people are saying when they speak the space language, so I can say I know everything!”

Me: “Oh, it’s not actually a made-up language. They’re speaking Chinese.”

Customer: “Eh? They are not. It’s a space language. It’s set way in the future and everyone lives in space. Have you never seen it?”

Me: “I have indeed. I’m a big fan. I assure you they speak Chinese.”

(The boy looks surprised and then laughs loudly at me.)

Boy: “You’re a lassie. Isn’t Firefly more for guys? There’s loads of fighting and stuff. You can’t know that much about it. Why the h*** would space-folk speak Chinese, then?”

(I pull my keys from my pocket, from which dangles my Serenity spaceship key-ring.)

Me: “I also own the DVD box-set, the graphic novels, cast posters, 2 t-shirts and several other bits and pieces. I’ve even met Jewel Staite. The characters speak Chinese sometimes because after the war, America and China were the only remaining large power countries, who came together to form The Alliance. The culture-fusion resulted in a mixture of both English and Chinese being the commonly spoken tongues.”

Boy: “You just made that up. You don’t even know. I know far more than you. Who’s Jewel Staite supposed to be, then?”

Me: “She’s the actress who plays Kaylee!”

(A second customer in line who has been listening with interest suddenly pipes up.)

Customer #2: “I thought you knew everything about the show? Quit being such a tool and let me pay for my stuff already.”

Boy: “But I just want a Firefly dictionary! This stupid cow won’t help me!”

Customer #2: “You’ll find a Chinese to English dictionary in any big bookshop. Now if you’ll leave the poor lassie alone, you gorram a**, that’d be shiny!”

(I can’t help but laugh and the boy flips us both off, then storms out, kicking a display as he goes. I smile at the second customer.)

Me: “Thanks for that, mate. Always nice to get back-up from a fellow fan.”

Customer #2: “No problem. That boy was a total sha gua.”

(I gave the customer a free Firefly keyring like mine for that. Note: ‘sha gua’ is Chinese for ‘fool’.)

It’s Not Her Calling

| Raleigh, NC, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid

(I am working when my phone rings. I pick it up on the second ring.)

Me: “[Call center]. Mary speaking.”

Caller: “Why did you call me?”

Me: “…pardon, ma’am?”

Caller: “WHY. DID. YOU. CALL. ME?”

Me: “Ma’am, I just answered the phone. You called me. Can I—”

Caller: “No, I didn’t! I just picked up my phone and you were talking!”

Me: “My phone rung and I answered it, ma’am. Is there anything that I can help you with?”

Caller: “No! I don’t know you! Who are you?!”

Me: “This is Mary from [call center].”

Caller: “No! No! I don’t know any Mary and I don’t know any [call center]. Why did you call me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I did not call you. Were you intending to call someone else?”

Caller: “I didn’t call anyone! You called me! I’m done with you!” *click*

America: Canada’s Shoes

| Duluth, MN, USA | Canada, Extra Stupid, Holidays, Theme Of The Month

(Because our store is located fairly close to the Canadian border, we sometimes get customers from Canada who come to take advantage of our sales. It is Black Friday.)

Customer: “Why is it so busy? I’ve never had to wait in line so long!”

Me: “I apologize for the wait ma’am, but it is Black Friday.”

Customer: “So? We don’t madness on Fridays in Canada!”

Me: “It’s Black Friday. It’s the day after our Thanksgiving, where stores have the biggest sales of the year, which means we are really busy.”

Customer: “Well, I shouldn’t have had to wait in line so long! I’m from Canada! I didn’t know it would be this busy!”

Me: “With all due respect ma’am, why did you drive three hours to shop today?”

Customer: “Because it’s the biggest sale of the year!”

Me: “That’s also why so many Americans are here.”

Customer: “Still! I’m from Canada! We don’t have Black Friday!”

Related:
Canada: America’s Hat

Be Thankful For Little Squirts

| USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Top, Wild & Unruly

Rude customer: “What do you mean you don’t have any? I order those clams every time!”

Waitress: “I’m really sorry, but we had a problem with the order and delivery and don’t have any today.”

Rude customer: “Well, that’s not good enough. Order it right now. Get them from someone else if you have to.”

Waitress: “Sir, clam dishes are aren’t available today. I’m sorry for the inconvenience. Perhaps if I may I suggest another dish?”

Rude customer: “I don’t care. Get me my clams now!”

Waitress: “As I’ve already explained—”

Rude customer: “I want my clams!” *bangs table*

(Suddenly, a stream of water squirts on him.)

Rude customer: “What the f*** was that?!”

(At a nearby table sits a little boy with a water gun.)

Little boy: “Naughty, naughty, naughty!”

A Real Mystery Shopper

| IL, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Health & Body, Rude & Risque

(I answer a phone call while working the cash register. The voice on the other end is male.)

Caller: *obviously uncomfortable* “Um… uh… could I ask you to do me a favor?”

Me: “Certainly. What do you need?”

Customer: “Can you grab a box of tampons and hold it at the counter for me?” *he specifies the brand and strength* “I’ll be there in about ten minutes.”

Me: “Uh, sure.”

Customer: “Thanks.”

(A little while later, a man comes up in line with several grocery items.)

Customer: *mutters* “I believe you’re holding an item for me?”

(I grab the box and, taking care to hold it lower than counter level so others don’t see, I confirm that the item is correct. When he nods, I scan it as stealthily as possible and slip it into his bag.)

Customer: *looks around nervously* “Thank you so much.”

(Later, I’m telling my boss about the odd incident.)

Boss: “Your mission, should you choose to accept it…” *begins to sing the ‘Mission: Impossible’ theme*

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